


burning the last flower

by kdbf



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Hyung Kink, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Miscommunication, Pining, Slow Burn, everyone is fwb, fwb hwangcloud, fwb ongniel, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-12 14:31:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 62,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16874658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kdbf/pseuds/kdbf
Summary: they're running out of time to figure things out, and daniel has never let fear hold himself back before.





	1. remember me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [btajh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/btajh/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> umm... hi. almost three months ago i tweeted that i was almost done with this (it was at 10k). i didn't ever intend for this to get so long, but it blew up and when i got about halfway through i realized it was too long to post as a single chapter. unfortunately, it doesn't divide perfectly into chapters, since it wasn't really written or planned to be split up, but i hope it still flows comfortabaly. most of this was written while looping power of destiny. the rest of it was written while looping bts's love yourself tour setlist. title is from flowerbomb (aka song of the year).
> 
> shoutout to franki for the beta and to my entire quiet tl for putting up with me posting my word count every day for two weeks straight (and minah for putting up with me in general).
> 
> disclaimer #1: see end notes for a slightly spoilery warning about homophobia. 
> 
> disclaimer #2: this fic takes place during november 2018 - january 2019, and there is a lot of talk of disbandment, particularly towards the end.
> 
> i think that's all, but if anything else comes to mind i'll add it later.

seongwu jacks him off late at night -- well, late for other people. they’ve only been back in the dorm for twenty minutes. their skin is still sticky with dried sweat from the practice room, but jinyoung’s in the shower, and he takes forever.

he’s too loud. seongwu keeps shooting him angry, tired looks, but he can’t help it. eventually he throws a pillow at him and daniel shoves it over his face, whining quietly into it.

it doesn’t mean anything -- and he’s being honest. this isn’t the first time they’ve done this, and while they don’t really _talk_ about it, daniel’s pretty sure they both know there’s nothing more involved. but seongwu’s hands feel so good -- he has long fingers, and he can get an angle daniel can’t reach on his own, and he knows all kinds of different tricks from what he does to himself. on top of that, it’s been too long since daniel was able to do this himself outside of a shower, in hurried, anxious movements, desperate to wring it out of his system before someone comes knocking and yells at him for taking too long.

when he finishes, seongwu shoves his boxers at him, and daniel awkwardly wipes it away. “we have tissues,” he mumbles dejectedly.

“too far,” seongwu says. he’s already shoving his own pants down, gently massaging his balls. “hurry up. i’m so fucking horny.”

“you always are,” daniel mumbles, but he finishes cleaning up and reaches for seongwu’s cock. his hand gets slapped away before he can touch.

“lube,” seongwu scolds him. “heathen. you really do this dry?”

“hard to hide lube from your mom in a two bedroom house,” daniel grumbles. “don’t make fun of me. i just got used to it that way.”

“i’m in pain just thinking about it,” seongwu says. “hurry _up._ ”

daniel gets him off with both hands, one wrapped around the base, squeezing and sliding gently, the other playing with the tip, digging his thumb into the slit, massaging around the head. seongwu gasps quietly, bony hips bucking into daniel’s hands. daniel stares at the precum beading out of the tip, wants to lean down and taste.

he doesn’t. they haven’t done that. he doesn’t think seongwu wants to _fuck,_ it’s just… well. they get desperate sometimes. seongwu whined about the choreo for day by day for a week straight when they first learned it, complained he would never be able to get onstage for the song without popping a boner. daniel laughed, until he caught sight of it for real on tour.

“fuck,” seongwu whispers, and that’s the only warning he gets before seongwu comes, all over daniel’s hand. “fuck,” seongwu says again, rougher, a little louder. he tips his head back while he rides it out, but daniel can’t tear his eyes away from his cock. god, he wants to taste.

when he comes down, seongwu says, “sorry. kind of messy. pass me the tissues?”

very funny. daniel shoots him a look, but he gets up and snatches the box off the desk, wiping his hand as he comes back. “mess is fine,” he says. “it’s cool.”

“yeah,” seongwu says. daniel doesn’t know what that means.

later, when he finally gets his turn to shower, he jacks off again, thinking of swallowing down seongwu’s cock, massaging it with his tongue, the walls of his throat. he shoves three fingers in his mouth -- half to keep himself quiet, half because he just wants his mouth to be full. he whines desperately against them when he finishes, licks his own come from his fingers, wonders if other people taste different.

back in their bedroom, seongwu is already asleep on his bunk. he’s disposed of all evidence, and no one is the wiser. they’re being stupid, he knows. they’re taking risks. they lock doors and they try to stay quiet, and it’s not like anyone in the group would say anything if they walked in. but if any of the managers found out they’d be fucked -- pun not intended. yet he also knows they probably won’t stop. it’s not fucking. it’s not romantic. it’s not even like daniel has interest in taking seongwu on dates, cuddling up with him on the couch, or holding his hand.

but some help getting off? well, who is he to turn that down.

* * *

“hyung,” he whines. “stop moving.”

“you’re huge,” sungwoon groans. “you’re crushing me.”

“i just wanna cuddle,” daniel says. “stop moving. you said you’d cuddle.”

“i said if you wanted to nap, you could use me as a pillow,” sungwoon says. “i didn’t say _body_ pillow.”

daniel wraps his arms tighter around sungwoon’s waist. “mmm, but you’re comfy, hyung. you’re so small. and cute.”

“okay, niel,” sungwoon says, exasperated. “but you can’t sleep on _top_ of me.”

daniel huffs, but he rolls off a little, pulling them both onto their sides. he’s not lying. sungwoon is comfy, and small, and if he happens to be body pillow sized, that’s not daniel’s fault. he snuggles his face into the back of sungwoon’s neck, snickering at the tickle of hair against his nose. he can practically hear sungwoon roll his eyes, but he doesn’t say anything.

he doesn’t say anything, either, when daniel shifts his hips closer. he’s not trying to be weird, but his back’s been aching all week, and the position isn’t great. a little curve takes some of the pressure off, and sungwoon says nothing as sleep overtakes him, stays quiet as daniel drifts in and out of a hazy nap, keeps silent when daniel’s breath tickles over the back of his neck.

“niel,” he says finally.

“mmm,” daniel hums. he’s so warm, and comfy. they’re just on one of the shitty couches backstage, hours before their recording starts, but it could be his bed back home for all he knows, with how safe and nice he feels.

sungwoon kicks lightly at his shin. “move. too much.”

“hm?” daniel picks his head up a little. he hasn’t moved. he’s still clinging to sungwoon, which was fine earlier. his head hasn’t moved until just now. his hips are still a couple centimeters too close, but--

oh. his knee. he doesn’t remember sliding it between sungwoon’s legs, but there it is. if he moved it forward, just a little more, he could probably feel sungwoon’s cock, soft in his pants.

no. stop. no. weird. absolutely weird. way too weird. unacceptably weird. he jerks his leg back quickly, lets go of sungwoon altogether, suddenly wide awake. “sorry,” he stammers, sitting up. “i was asleep. i-- sorry, hyung. i didn’t mean to.”

“it’s cool,” sungwoon says, and his voice actually kind of sounds like he might mean it. he’s still scrolling through some webtoon on his phone, not looking up at daniel. “go back to sleep.”

“i’m not tired anymore,” daniel says. “i’m gonna go, um. do some sit ups or something.”

that gets sungwoon to look at him, turning his head and snorting. “what, need to add two more to the six pack?”

it’s not much of a six pack anymore, but. daniel still flushes a little. “i just like to stay in shape.”

“i know,” sungwoon says. he reaches a hand behind him and pats daniel’s leg, nice and friendly. “calm down. i’m just teasing. the managers are always singing praise for you, working out without having to be told. such a _good boy._ ” he laughs. “wanna do some push ups? i’ll sit on your back.”

and have sungwoon all up in his space again, where daniel and his weird thoughts can’t control themselves? no thank you. “um,” he says. “i’m okay. i’m gonna go see if minhyun hyung wants to join.”

sungwoon snorts. “i think minhyunnie’s had enough of working out for the rest of his life. go ahead and ask, though. you might get a yes.”

after that, daniel flees. that night, seongwu’s too tired to do anything, and daniel sits on the floor, antsy and anxious, scrolling through his phone until everyone’s done with the shower. then, he locks himself in and takes his time, shoves his fingers in his mouth again. he imagines being on his knees in front of that backstage couch, gripping onto someone’s knees, licking up the underside of their cock.

he gets a little too lost in the fantasy, chokes on his fingers when he pushes them a little too far, but in his head, sungwoon just pets his hair and groans through it, fucks gently into daniel’s throat. he whimpers out loud, sliding his fingers in and out of his mouth in time with the fantasy, in time with his hand on his own cock. he wishes he had a third hand to slide through his hair the way sungwoon’s does in his head, suddenly grabbing hold and gripping tight when he comes, down daniel’s throat, and daniel knows they can’t afford to be caught, swallows everything he can and licks what’s left from the corners of his mouth, tears in his eyes.

“such a _good boy,_ ” sungwoon whispers, echoing. daniel comes.

he washes quickly. weird, he thinks. he’s being fucking _weird_. he wishes he could blame seongwu, for making him think about things he’s tried so hard to ignore since he came to seoul, but he knows it’s his own fault. it’s not that he thinks it’s wrong -- not in the way others do, anyway. it’s just that sungwoon is his _friend._ at least with seongwu, they’ve blurred the lines. added onto what the definition of _friend_ is. but it’s not like that with sungwoon, and daniel would never ask. he’s not trying to make things weirder than they are.

besides, it’s already different with sungwoon than it is with seongwu. he’s not cuddling seongwu, not napping with his head in his lap, or seongwu’s back pressed against his front. he’s never called seongwu cute, never teased him for his height and giggled at the reaction. and he knows, he can’t have both, can’t have the soft friendly gentle affection and the undercover hidden trysts at the same time. he and seongwu aren’t soft and gentle like that, and that’s okay. they’re still friends. but trying to mix the two… it’s too close to something daniel knows for sure they can’t have.

he turns the shower off after way too long, and stands there with his hair dripping. he needs to stop this -- but not… not all of it. no one cares if he jerks off in the shower, but he can’t have _faces_ on the people in his stupid fantasies. it’s one thing if it’s seongwu. it’s just that _this_ is too much. he’s being weird.

so he won’t be weird anymore. problem solved.

* * *

“it’s just not working,” one of the photographers says. daniel holds a fan by the collar of his shirt, listening into the conversation while jihoon and jisung flip through a unit shoot for some magazine. he’s not particularly worried about it. his mom will buy the magazine and take pictures of his spreads and send them to him and tell him he looks handsome. the fans will say he looks good. that’s all he really cares about.

on the other side of the camera, sungwoon and woojin are getting antsy. the units for this shoot are weird, anyway. they should have switched jihoon and sungwoon, which is obvious to all of them, but he’s guessing someone with the magazine got names messed up, or just didn’t bother to do research into who would actually have decent chemistry.

“i can see it’s not working,” the director snaps. “let’s just… try something different. act natural. just be friends.”

sungwoon and woojin exchange a look that makes daniel laugh, a little too loud. they _are_ friends. that’s not the problem. but they give it another go, and the director still isn’t satisfied, so he throws down his notes and walks off in a storm, a pair of assistants fluttering after him.

the photographers start muttering to each other, too quiet for daniel to hear. their manager sighs and calls sungwoon and woojin back, and they walk over awkwardly.

“none of these units make sense,” sungwoon grumbles, climbing onto a stool next to daniel and taking the fan offered to him by one of their makeup artists. “they probably won’t even print our names right.”

daniel laughs. he’s not going to put distance between them. he’s not. they can still be touchy and affectionate. it’s not _them_ that’s wrong, just daniel’s stupid fantasies.

“i think they got some of us mixed up,” he admits. “they’ve kinda got a height thing going on with us, and with guanlin and daehwi. doesn’t really work with you two.”

“should switch you and woojin, then,” sungwoon says. “balance out the height in that group and you and i can do the stupid height thing. it doesn’t even make sense. the other two groups don’t have a _height thing._ ”

“yeah, i dunno,” daniel says quietly.

“ _or,_ ” sungwoon says irritably, “they switch you with woojinie, switch jaehwan with minhyun, and suddenly they have groups that make sense. this is the stupid farm mission with my grandpa all over again.”

daniel winces. they all know why that group ended up the way it did. it’s one of the things they don’t talk about, on a list that grows every day but primarily just consists of disbandment, the company, commitments to other groups past and future, and whether or not jinyoung and daehwi are talking to each other.

“it’ll work out, hyung,” he murmurs, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. the sweat there is light, but daniel can’t help staring for half a second too long. he tears his eyes away and shifts his fan to his other hand so he can get the back of sungwoon’s neck.

sungwoon sighs when the cool air hits his skin. “thanks, niel,” he murmurs.

he looks tired. they’re all tired, all the time. part of it is just the nature of their work, and part of it is the added stress of… everything else. more stuff they don’t talk about. not anymore.

time passes slowly, but also much too fast. the director is gone _forever._ their managers are getting antsy about making it to their next schedule on time, and daniel is beginning to think lunch isn’t happening. the catering kind of sucks, and it’s mostly just snacks anyway, stuff they aren’t allowed to eat regardless.

eventually, the photographers get tired of waiting, grab a video camera, and start making rounds around the room, catching a little bit of behind the scenes footage. sungwoon, much like the rest of them, has mastered the art of sleeping sitting up, and he nods off long before the camera comes anywhere near them. daniel takes a half step closer, just in case he accidentally leans too far to one side.

when the camera reaches them, sungwoon is still asleep. daniel smiles big into the camera and stage whispers, “sungwoonie hyung is resting. he’s working so hard for wannables he just fell right asleep!” he winks and flashes a finger heart directly into the lens.

the photographers ask him a couple quick, boring, easy questions with answers he’s practically memorized, and he keeps his voice at the same level for all his responses. finally, the camera moves on.

almost immediately daniel feels sungwoon’s shoulders shake against his side. he glances down and catches him snickering, eyes still closed, chin still pressed to his chest.

“you were awake?” daniel whines. “hyung!”

“sorry,” sungwoon laughs. he picks his head up and grins at daniel. “i did fall asleep. your stupid whispering woke me up.”

daniel huffs. “you could’ve helped with the questions.”

“you did fine,” sungwoon says. he elbows daniel lightly. “you’re a natural. born for the camera. you should be a news anchor. ratings will probably shoot sky high, just like everything else you touch.”

“stop it,” daniel mumbles. he can feel his face heating up. he’s normally so much better at dishing back the teasing, and yet now he feels tongue tied and embarrassed. he’s not dumb enough to say he doesn’t know why.

“don’t be so shy,” sungwoon says. “it doesn’t look good on you. confident daniel is sexier.”

daniel never wants to hear sungwoon say the word _sexy,_ or any form of the word, ever again. “okay, hyung,” he says, and prays his embarrassment doesn’t show.

finally, when they’re an hour behind schedule, the director comes back and throws himself into his chair. the photographers have a quiet, hushed conversation with him and he huffs angrily before picking back up his notes and angrily scribbling out a few points. then, without looking, he points behind his back, directly at sungwoon and daniel.

“you two,” he says. “get up here. we’re switching things around.”

the makeup artists fuss over them while the shoot assistants tug them around, shoving them into different positions until they finally end up standing facing each other, only inches between them. sungwoon giggles, softly -- an uncharacteristic volume for him. “hi,” he says.

daniel can’t help the dopey smile he returns. “hi,” he laughs quietly.

“eyes here!” one of the photographers yells, and they both look up. “give me sexy?”

so they do. daniel tilts his chin up, empties his eyes, drops the smile and his shoulders. he feels sungwoon’s posture change, but doesn’t dare look down to see. his imagination, unasked, fills in the blanks. shoulders seemingly too broad for the body they’re on, a powerful stare and strong cheekbones, earrings glinting at his earlobes.

“closer together?” the photographer calls.

they shuffle forward just a little, holding their gazes and posture steady. daniel can feel the warmth of sungwoon’s body. just a little sway forward, and they could be touching. not skin on skin, but close enough, intimate enough for it not to matter.

“give me a little more,” the photographer asks.

daniel puts his hands in his pockets, knocking the corner of his jacket out of the way and pushing his shoulders back. he can’t see what sungwoon does, but he can feel it -- when his hips press against daniel’s, and suddenly, daniel can’t catch his breath. surely that’s too much. _too much,_ like sungwoon said the other day. _weird,_ like daniel’s own self criticism in the shower. even for the camera, that can’t be right.

but sungwoon doesn’t move. the touch is barely there, little more just the barest hint of sungwoon’s hip bones against daniel’s hands in his pockets, but it’s enough to have daniel dizzy by the time the photographer calls for them to step apart.

they shoot a few more poses, but daniel’s head isn’t in it. his face is hot. he’s sweating too much under his collar -- they still have the group shoot left. he’s about to shove his fan down his shirt when they call them over to check the photos.

“ohh, sexy!” minhyun crows, peering over his shoulder. “our niellie! sungwoonie hyung, too!”

“hyung,” daniel whines.

sungwoon surveys the pictures silently, just nodding at each new picture that comes up. daniel can barely look at himself. he feels like anyone who sees these pictures could just… tell. isn’t it obvious? how he’s about to burst into flame at any second? the difference in his face from before and after, and what happened to change it?

sungwoon smacks his ass as he leaves for the bathroom. “good shoot,” he says. “told you it’d work better with us.”

“yeah,” daniel says, trying not to let his voice break. maybe it’s appropriate -- he _feels_ like a teenager. “we kinda did the height thing.”

sungwoon pauses, quirks his head to the side a little. “guess we did,” he says. “good work.”

daniel’s mouth feels drier than hot summer pavement. he kind of feels like he just got run over, too, so it’s fitting.

* * *

daniel’s known for a long time how he feels. not about sungwoon, just… about people. in general. he never kept it a secret, before, but he didn’t really tell people, either. he’s never lied to anyone about it, but most people have never asked. his mom knows, because at one point he was a stupid teenager with not enough supervision on the internet, and he didn’t always remember to lock his door.

before he left for seoul, she told him to be careful. she told him it wasn’t fair, but that people could take it the wrong way. that if he was open and he told the wrong people, it could come back to hurt him.

“i want you to be happy,” she said, “but first i want you to be safe.”

it wasn’t anything he didn’t already know. he likes to see the good in people, but he’s not naive. he knows how these things work. he kept it quiet. when seongwu first offered to help him out, he didn’t trust it. it seemed like bait -- say yes and now he knows. so daniel laughed it off, except seongwu didn’t stop bringing it up.

it was late one night, a rare occasion when they had a whole eight hours to themselves. he spent the first half playing games with jihoon, then walked back into their room and caught seongwu with his dick out and his phone inches away from his face.

“fuck!” seongwu yelled when he walked in. “knock?”

“it’s my room,” daniel said weakly. “why would i-- there’s a lock!”

“i thought i--” seongwu’s face was red. he sat up, head nearly hitting the ceiling. “fuck. whatever. it’s fine. you’re right. i’m gonna… take a shower.”

daniel bit his bottom lip. “i feel bad.”

“so blow me and get over it,” seongwu mumbled, still embarrassed and defensive. he started to climb down the ladder.

“um,” daniel said. “or i could… i mean. i didn’t mean to interrupt.”

seongwu eyed him with distrust, one foot still on the ladder. “or you could…?”

daniel licked his lips, immediately regretted it. too obvious. god. “if your offer still stands? from before? i could help you out.”

“oh.” seongwu’s whole face changed. “okay, come on, then.”

just like that? but seongwu was already sitting down on the bed, pushing his pajama pants out of the way and pulling himself back out. daniel couldn’t tear his eyes away.

he’d been with girls before. he’d jacked off before. it wasn’t like he didn’t know how to do this. but when he sat down across from seongwu, his mouth went dry. he felt a little dizzy, a little outside of himself, like he was watching himself do this.

it was probably a bad idea. he wasn’t supposed to let people know. but seongwu wasn’t being weird. he wasn’t watching daniel for a reaction, wasn’t prodding him for words. he was only half hard, average size and length and look, but daniel wanted to touch so bad -- he just couldn’t make himself do it.

“niel,” seongwu said. “c’mon.”

daniel swallowed. “sorry. never done this before.”

seongwu frowned. “by yourself, or with someone else?”

“with a guy,” daniel clarified. he couldn’t look him in the eyes, didn’t want to stare at his dick.

“oh,” seongwu said. “well. i mean. how hard can it be? haha. sorry. i mean… you’ve done this to yourself. just do what you normally do. except… not to yourself.”

right. just do what he always did. he swallowed again. seongwu squeezed lube over his dick, pumped it once slowly with his own hand, then sat back. it was warm in daniel’s hand, firm but soft. it slid across his palm easy. seongwu groaned quietly.

the door wasn’t locked. daniel should have stopped, locked it, but he couldn’t make himself. he squeezed, and seongwu tipped his head back, mouth open. the moment stretched on forever. it could have been hours they spent like that, and daniel wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference.

at some point, seongwu grabbed his hand, dragged his thumb to the very slit and dug daniel’s nail in. it looked like it should have hurt, but seongwu _moaned,_ in a way that made daniel want to do it again. so he did, and seongwu’s face screwed up a little bit. daniel pumped him slow, squeezing all the way down, and dug his thumb back in again when he came back up.

“fuck,” seongwu whispered. “tissues.”

daniel didn’t want to let go. he wanted to watch seongwu come, wanted to watch it spill out, over his hand, seongwu’s pajamas, the bed.

“idiot,” seongwu grumbled, smacking his hand away. he reached for the tissue box on the desk and slapped it down on the mattress next to him. “come on, hurry up. not trying to make a mess.”

daniel didn’t get to see seongwu come, trapped in tissues to keep it from getting everywhere. seongwu did him next, and daniel came embarrassingly fast, but seongwu didn’t comment. it was normal. touch someone else’s dick, of course he was going to get hard too.

it wasn’t weird. no one was going to think he was weird. except that it didn’t stop.

* * *

daniel slaps jisung’s ass, because it’s there. the look he gets is priceless, and he grins. “you shouldn’t have such a nice ass if you don’t want it smacked, hyung,” he says.

jisung deadpans at him. “niel,” he says, warningly. “i’m trying to practice. go sit down if you’re not practicing. some of us don’t master every dance in a day.”

 _master_ is a bit of a stretch, but daniel listens, because he’s tired of being on his feet and because someone might actually kill him if he gets in the way any more.

minhyun and sungwoon are sitting together in a corner of the practice room. sungwoon has his feet in minhyun’s lap, and minhyun’s expression is fond, soft when he looks down at him. he says something quiet in his gentle, soothing voice, and sungwoon laughs, too high pitched to match. daniel’s stomach feels a bit uneasy as he approaches them, but that’s normal, right? they just match up so well. both of them a little more experienced in the industry than the rest, both of them a little bit older, a little more mature and yet a little less in the same way. he’s not jealous. he just wishes he had that.

minhyun smiles at him when he walks over, lips curling up like a cat. “done practicing?”

“for now,” daniel says. they have half an hour left of practice, technically. the choreo is too new for them to really require full group practices -- right now it’s mostly their dance teacher coaching a few of the weaker dancers through the rough spots. there will be time to learn more later.

he sits down, pokes the top of sungwoon’s head. “is that comfortable?”

sungwoon has his arms crossed behind his head, eyes closed. “it’s fine.”

“here.” daniel lifts sungwoon’s head, ignoring the little chirp of alarm, and scoots closer so he can lower his head into his lap. “pillow.”

sungwoon smiles up at him, sleepy in the way they all feel after a long day of practice. “thanks.”

daniel smiles back, tries not to be obvious. tries not to let his heart show.

“you should stop touching jisung hyung when he’s busy,” minhyun says, oblivious, thankfully. “you know he’ll play around with you later. leave his butt alone when he’s practicing.”

daniel pouts at him. “but it’s nice. he worked hard. i’m just trying to make sure he knows someone realizes.”

minhyun sighs. “but he’s not playing around right now. wait, okay? he’ll mess around with you at the dorm.”

“you’re messing around with jisung hyung?” sungwoon says. he cracks open an eye and grins at daniel. “i can’t believe you didn’t tell me! i thought i was special. all those moments on stage, just between me and you and thousands of fans.”

“stop,” daniel whines. “you know that’s not what minhyunnie hyung meant.”

“you’re touching jisungie hyung’s butt,” sungwoon pouts. “you touch minhyunnie’s too. what about mine? where’s the equality? i worked just as hard as they did.”

“you did _not,_ ” minhyun huffs. “i worked out _every_ day--”

sungwoon rolls his eyes, cuts minhyun off. “yeah, yeah, and then you cried because you couldn’t show off your abs. i know, minhyunnie. we all know.”

minhyun’s face goes bright red. “that’s-- you-- stop it!”

“your butt is nice too, hyung,” daniel says.

the attention does little to calm minhyun down. if anything, it just has his face going even brighter. he abruptly shoves sungwoon’s legs out of his lap and scrambles to his feet, much less grace and elegance than they’re used to seeing out of hwang minhyun. “i have to go practice,” he says, wiping his pants of imaginary dust.

“okay,” sungwoon says. “have fun. we’ll watch you shake your ass from over here.”

minhyun splutters and practically runs away, ears bright red and just the tiniest shocked smile on his face.

daniel giggles. “you tease him too much, hyung.”

“he makes it too easy,” sungwoon says. he shifts, gets more comfortable with his head in daniel’s lap — daniel holds his breath. “wasn’t teasing you, though. stop touching butts that aren’t mine.”

daniel feels his face flush. “hyung…”

“i mean it,” sungwoon says. “don’t be smacking jisungie hyung’s ass just because it looks nice.”

“but i smack _everyone’s_ ass,” daniel mumbles. “not just him and you.”

sungwoon snorts quietly. “no one else here _has_ an ass to slap. ‘cept minhyunnie.”

“so can i slap minhyunnie hyung’s?” daniel asks.

sungwoon goes quiet for a second, then abruptly rolls over onto his stomach and props his chin on a hand. he rests the other casually on daniel’s leg. “why are you trying so hard to get out of this? trying to make me jealous?”

his hand is so light on daniel’s thigh, but it feels red hot, burning right through daniel’s workout pants. he can feel every finger so gentle against him. sungwoon’s thumb moves just a little, half an inch, then back, just the softest caress.

no. not a caress. that’s daniel being weird again. he takes a slow breath, hopes sungwoon doesn’t notice the hesitation. “no,” he says. “what do you have to be jealous of?”

“hm,” sungwoon says. “i wonder.”

daniel’s not imagining it. there’s something in sungwoon’s eyes, something in the little twist at the corner of his lips, the tiniest, most lopsided smile, big full lips pink and soft. he’s not imagining it. maybe.

he gets bold, reaches out with a hand that doesn’t shake, not once, and lets it fall on sungwoon’s ass. “what if i just touch yours more to make up for it?”

the tiny smile grows, big straight teeth showing through his lips. daniel wants to taste them, wants to feel them against his tongue, skim across the backs of them. he wants to see those lips parted just ever so slightly, hot breath gasping between them. sungwoon says, “mmm, i guess. as long as i’m still the most important.”

daniel massages his ass gently, kneading his palm just ever so softly into the muscle. “of course, hyung,” he says, almost in a trance.

sungwoon makes a soft noise like _nnngh._ “that feels good. don’t stop.” he drops his face onto daniel’s thigh, right next to his hand. if he turned his face the other way, if daniel pushed his waistband out of the way, if they scooted just an inch or so closer…

he digs his hand in a little deeper, rougher. sungwoon breathes against his leg, hot air skimming across his knees, even through the warm athletic fabric. “you’ve got nice hands,” he murmurs.

“thanks,” daniel whispers.

the position can’t be comfortable, hips pressed into the rough wood floor. but sungwoon doesn’t move until they make him.

* * *

here’s the thing: daniel’s not completely stupid. he has his moments, but he’s not oblivious. half of his job is to be flirted with, and it’s not like he never spoke to anyone before he came to seoul. he knows the looks in people’s eyes when they want him to pay attention to them, he knows how they touch him, how they talk to him. he recognizes the signals he’s being sent. that’s not the problem.

the problem is that it doesn’t make sense. sungwoon is flirting with him, but he _can’t_ be flirting with him -- not because they’re both guys, but because they’re both guys in an industry that is very unforgiving towards that sort of thing. because sungwoon has enough industry experience to know what happens to people who aren’t careful about their love lives. because neither of them are stupid enough to think that _any_ level of fame could protect them from the fallout.

it doesn’t explain why sungwoon is flirting with him anyway. daniel is confused. so he does what he always does when he’s confused.

“hi mom,” he says. the door is locked. seongwu is hanging out with minhyun -- and sungwoon, but daniel’s trying not to think about the guy he fucks being in the same room as the guy he wants to fuck. well… not fuck. on both counts. he and seongwu aren’t fucking. and he doesn’t just want to fuck sungwoon. all of this is too complicated.

“hey, baby,” she says. “what’s up? you’re not sick again.” her tone is reproachful.

he smiles a little, lying on his side with his phone pressed against his ear. normally he’d put her on speaker, but he’s scared. sure, woojin and jihoon are probably playing video games, and jinyoung and daehwi probably have earbuds in so they won’t be able to hear even if they tried. he’s still scared.

“no, i’m okay,” he says. “just wanted to talk.”

“you’re off today?” she sounds distracted -- probably shopping. buying something else just because his face is on it. he’s pretty sure her initial promise to buy everything they endorsed was just her talking big, but once she started she couldn’t stop. he buys most of it for her anyway. there’s too much for her to really keep up with.

“yeah,” he says. “well. we had practice this morning, but they cut it short because our teacher had an emergency. are you out?”

“shopping,” she says. “are you doing okay? sleeping enough? taking care of yourself? eating right?”

they both have this part of the conversation memorized -- she asks questions because she worries about him, he lies, and she pretends she believes him. “yeah,” he says. “of course. i just wanted to… um. i need some advice.”

he hears her go silent for a second. she probably picks up on the way his voice drops, quiet and low so no one will overhear. “... what’s wrong?” she asks.

“nothing’s _wrong,_ ” he says. “um. i’m just… i’m confused.”

“you can tell me,” she says, and it’s never sounded like a parent’s half hearted promise when she says that. he’s always believed her.

“there’s…” he takes a deep breath. “someone.” god he hopes she understands what that means. “kind of. i don’t know. on my part, there is. i think.”

she pauses. “and who is _someone?_ ”

“someone you know,” he mumbles. she doesn’t need to know which one, but he can at least give her a full picture of the situation.

“know as in met or know as in i’ve seen their face?” she says. he appreciates, quietly, how she avoids picking a single gender with that question.

“um,” he says. he doesn’t remember who she talked to at the finale. “maybe both. i don’t know. probably the second one.”

“so…” he hears her phone shift, probably off the shoulder and into her hand so she can take this a little more seriously. “someone from work.”

he lets out a slow, quiet breath. “yeah,” he whispers.

she sighs, staticky and soft over the line. “oh, baby,” she says, so quiet.

“i don’t know what to do,” he mumbles. it hurts, suddenly. he can’t even say it out loud, not even to his mom -- that’s how bad this is. that’s how dangerous this is. he can’t risk even these people he trusts with his life overhearing. but he wants it so bad -- wants _him_ so bad. it’s laced with tension and lingering touches and meaningful glances, but daniel can’t stop thinking about a head on his shoulder, soft sleepy breaths, a smile from his lap. he can’t stop thinking about _just between you and me and thousands of fans._

“are you in love?” his mom asks.

he blanches. love is a big word. he feels _something._ he’s not sure if that’s what it is. “uh,” he says. “i don’t know. there’s… feelings. and stuff. and…” he’s a little embarrassed -- they may have a pretty open, honest relationship, but there’s still things you never want to talk to your mom about. “uh. you know. stuff you do. with people like that.”

she drops her voice very low and quiet and says, “are you using protection?”

“ _mom,_ ” he whines. “i didn’t mean… we’re not… not for _real._ ”

“you should still use protection,” she scolds him. “any sort of--”

“okay, but we’re not!” he cuts her off. “at all. none of that.” it’s technically not a lie, if they’re only talking about sungwoon.

“hm,” she says. “okay. well, i’m sure you didn’t call to talk to me about that. what’s the problem, baby? does this person know?”

he _should._ daniel knows he can’t lie, and he knows he can’t keep a secret. but if he knew, he would have said something, right? because this is stupid and dangerous and neither of them are going to risk their friendship or their careers over it.

“i don’t know,” he says. “i haven’t said anything. i don’t think i should.”

she doesn’t ask why. she already knows. softly, she says, “i want you to be happy, baby. i just want you to be careful, first. figure out what it is. love is a big deal. i don’t want you to have to pass it up because of… the situation. but i don’t want you to get hurt, either.”

“i know,” he mumbles. “i don’t know what to do.”

“figure out how you actually feel, first, baby,” she says. “you’re in a tough spot. don’t risk things just for a fling, okay? but if it means something… i don’t want you to miss an opportunity for something that makes you really happy.”

it’s a nice way to think about it. daniel wonders if he can follow through.

* * *

everything stays the same for a while. comeback prep is long and tiring and there’s a looming _thing_ in the background that no one wants to talk about, the dark cloud on the horizon that steadily approaches. even that cloud has a silver lining, but daniel doesn’t like this analogy anyway because words like _cloud_ are distracting right now.

sungwoon makes no moves. he says nothing, does nothing, and it’s rare that they’re ever alone together anyway. there are quiet moments, in the middle of the van, someone pressed up on either side of them, where daniel will hold very still while a head rests on his shoulder, a thumb strokes his knee. it’s supposed to be friendly, he thinks, but it sparks under his skin, like lightning in the shape of his veins, shooting straight to his heart and jolting him back to life when he’s about to fall asleep.

in those moments, he wants nothing more than to reach out and catch that hand in his own, slide their fingers together. if he turns his head just a fraction, glances down out of the corner of his eye, he can see dark red fading back to black. he wants to turn just a little more and kiss it, but he doesn’t even let himself rest his head on top of it. the lightning in his blood shoots off again. his heartbeat is the thunder that follows.

but that’s it. it’s moments like that, packed into small spaces because there are too many of them for any sort of decent sized area. it’s appropriate, maybe, for all the little moments with too much emotion and meaning packed into them for daniel to handle.

except that’s the problem, right? he still can’t tell how much of that is just him -- how much is imagined, projected onto things he wishes meant more, and how much is actually what he thinks it is. maybe it’s just friendly. maybe sungwoon is just touchier around him because he likes him, thinks of him as a really close friend and maybe a brother. except daniel doesn’t want to be his brother. daniel doesn’t want to think of him that way. he wants the hand on his knee to slide up, slow and easy, wants to slide his hips up against the pressure, wants--

 _god,_ he has got to stop. he pulls his shirt down, prays it’s not noticeable.

it is -- or at least to the trained eye. seongwu walks past while he’s in a chair getting his makeup done, slaps a hand on the back of his neck and leans down, murmurs, “don’t get so worked up. otherwise you’re gonna be all over the posts tomorrow.”

daniel feels his face heat. “hyung,” he whines, slapping his hand away playfully. “stop it.”

seongwu rolls his eyes at him, sticks his tongue out. “just don’t give them more material than they’re already looking for.”

daniel is supremely bad at not touching his face with makeup on it, so he bounces around after that, flitting from one side of the room to the next. minhyun catches his wrist as he passes by once, pulls him back. “relax,” he says, tugging gently to pull him down. daniel goes easily, dropping down to his knees on the floor next to the couch minhyun is sharing with sungwoon. he tries to only look at minhyun. it’s fine. he needs the distraction anyway.

“you’re stressing out the managers,” minhyun says. “sit down. please.”

“i’m bored,” daniel whines. he shifts onto his butt, pouts up at minhyun. “distract me.”

“you have a phone,” minhyun says. “distract yourself, like everyone else is. you’re not a child. please behave.” he lets go of daniel’s hand and looks back down at his phone.

daniel pouts some more, and is ignored for a while until a hand falls into his hair, ruffling gentle enough not to disturb the stylists’ careful work, but enough that he feels it. it’s warm. the fingers are short but nice, soft, careful. he wants to lean into it, nuzzle into the palm, ruin all the makeup on his face, the spray in his hair.

“there’s not that much longer to wait,” sungwoon says. “wanna go take a walk?”

half of daniel screams at him to say yes, to get them alone, in a secluded corner somewhere, where he can slide their fingers together, back him up against a wall, lean over and down and stand so close, make him feel the quiet fearful heat under his skin, make him feel the lightning in his hands and the thunder in his chest.

the other half, the smarter half, just says, “um. that’s okay. i’m just gonna run down to the bathroom i think.”

“i’ll come with,” sungwoon says. “should probably go before we get busy.” which… is fine. it’s fine. daniel can be alone with him. he’s not going to jump him. he can control himself. he’s antsy and flustered and it probably shows, but it’s fine.

so sungwoon follows him to the bathroom. daniel is hyper aware of their distance the whole time, overthinks how far they should walk apart, if he should walk faster, slower, in front, behind, side by side. the walk feels like it takes much longer than it probably does.

something _clicks_ as daniel steps into one of the stalls, just to get some space between them, some room to breathe. he glances down at the floor but sees nothing, and thinks nothing of it. he turns around to close the stall door -- and catches a direct impact to the chest.

a pair of hands slides down his chest, skims over his abs, and comes to rest on his hips. “finally,” sungwoon breathes, staring up at him with a look in his eyes that daniel’s never seen before. “you’re so fucking dense sometimes, you know?”

“hyung?” daniel breathes. “um. kinda busy.”

“shut up,” sungwoon says, with a force that settles in daniel’s stomach like a rock. “god. are you avoiding me?”

“what?” daniel says. “no! why would i be?”

“i can’t think of any other reason you would be ignoring me,” sungwoon says. “i’m trying really fucking hard here, niel, and i get nothing in response. i know you can tell. you blush every time i breathe at you, but you won’t reciprocate and you won’t tell me to stop. so what’s the deal?”

the wheels in daniel’s brain churn furiously. he doesn’t mean that the way it sounds. he’s not trying to… he’s not trying to do anything. that’s just daniel’s preconceptions blurring the lines, confusing what he actually means. “um,” he says.

“does this make you uncomfortable?” sungwoon asks. “if that’s what it is, i’ll back off. but i don’t know how i’m supposed to know that if you never tell me.”

“does…” daniel takes a slow breath in. “does what make me uncomfortable?”

sungwoon slides his hands back along daniel’s hips, reaches down and around. one hand slides into his back pocket, and the other comes down to cup his ass, just the softest, gentlest squeeze. “this.”

daniel flinches. “i don’t know what that means.”

sungwoon sighs, loud and harsh and frustrated. “don’t you and seongwu ever mess around? help each other out?”

daniel feels like his face is on fire. seongwu is going to _kill_ him if he finds out anyone else knows. “h-how did you…”

“people do it,” sungwoon says. “and i know seongwu. he’s worse than minhyun, and that’s already enough to deal with. but i thought maybe you would be a little more perceptive given that--”

“wait,” daniel says, cuts him off. “ _that’s already…_ you and… you and minhyunnie hyung?”

sungwoon sighs. “sometimes,” he says. “not frequently. not like we have time. that’s not what we’re talking about. i’m trying to proposition you here. i have been, actually, but you’re either oblivious, uncomfortable, or scared. you need to tell me which one it is so i know whether to stop or get more aggressive.”

“you’re trying to…” daniel feels lightheaded.

sungwoon pulls his hands away from daniel’s ass, rests them against his chest instead, coming to rest just over firm muscle. daniel tries so hard not to lean into it. “i’m trying to get you in bed with me,” sungwoon says. “how much more explicit can i be?”

“hyung,” daniel says. “we’re… people could _hear_ you.”

“the door’s locked,” sungwoon says. “i need an answer. tell me i’m interpreting this wrong and i’ll back off.”

daniel really can’t breathe right now. he doesn’t know what to say. this can’t be real. sungwoon can’t be saying this right now. this can’t be the situation they’re in. it has to be fake.

he probably waits too long. sungwoon sighs, drops his hands, looks away. “sorry,” he says. “i’m not trying to--”

“wait,” daniel whispers. he can’t make his voice come any louder than that. it just won’t work. “i wasn’t… i’m not uncomfortable.”

sungwoon says nothing, just eyes him carefully, his expression guarded.

“i…” daniel clears his throat, but it doesn’t make it any easier to speak. “i didn’t… i didn’t realize. i thought i was… i thought… you know. it was my imagination. that i was seeing things just because i wanted them.”

sungwoon’s face softens a little, and he turns back. gently, he raises a hand and brushes his thumb along daniel’s cheekbone. it’s so soft, so careful, and daniel can’t help leaning into it. sungwoon’s palm hits his cheek, warm and comforting. “you’re so dumb,” sungwoon murmurs. he dips his thumb down to run along daniel’s bottom lip. “if we weren’t wearing makeup…”

daniel’s eyes flick down to sungwoon’s lips, then back up, already blushing furiously. “if we weren’t wearing makeup…?”

sungwoon stares into his eyes intensely, hard, and daniel finds he couldn’t look away if he tried. “you wanna know?” sungwoon murmurs, so private and intimate and only for them. daniel nods.

“if we had time,” sungwoon says. he steps close, their hips brushing, his arm wrapping around daniel’s lower waist. “if we had time, i’d kiss you till you couldn’t see straight. so hard you can’t breathe. fuck up your perfect hair, drag you down here so you’re not so tall for once.”

daniel’s breath catches. sungwoon smiles a little -- maybe he’s noticed all of daniel’s stupid little reactions, all along, waiting for daniel to pick up on his intentions.

“then,” sungwoon says, dropping his voice low again, “i’d get down on my knees and suck you off right here, until you’re pulling my hair and you come down my throat and you’re begging me to stop because it hurts too much.”

daniel breathes out slow between his teeth. “oh,” he says weakly.

“you have no idea how…” sungwoon heaves a heavy sigh. “don’t worry. we can’t. not right now. this was a bad time to talk about this. are you okay? i don’t wanna force you.”

daniel swallows hard, reaches out and wraps his arms around sungwoon, pulling him as close as he can get him. “i…” he clears his throat again. “i’m okay. i… i want this too, hyung. i’m just…”

“embarrassed?” sungwoon guesses.

“flustered,” daniel says. “it’s… a lot. at once.”

sungwoon smiles a little, just that tiny quirk at the edge of his lips, teeth showing through ever so slightly. “yeah. guess so. sorry about that. look, i’ll come find you if we have time, okay? don’t stress about it. and you can always say no.”

“yeah,” daniel whispers. his voice still isn’t quite working. “okay. um. you know where to find me.”

sungwoon smirks, and pats his chest, right over the breast. “yeah. i do.”

* * *

“what were you so worked up about today?” seongwu asks, his voice hushed and low, sitting in between daniel’s legs. he’s got one hand wrapped around the base of daniel’s cock, the other massaging the head so gently against his palm.

daniel pants softly, an arm thrown over his eyes. they probably shouldn’t be doing this, and not just for the normal reasons. he should call this off. he and seongwu shouldn’t be doing things if he’s going to be doing things with sungwoon, too.

but it’s hard to turn down the offer when all he’s been able to think about all day is the picture sungwoon painted for him, down on his knees with daniel’s cock in his mouth, in an open stall in a locked public bathroom, less than an hour till backstage calls.

“just…” he says finally, in answer to seongwu’s question. “long day. tired.”

“tired gets you horny?” seongwu snorts. “weirdo.” he squeezes daniel’s cock, gentle.

“shut up,” daniel huffs. “better than you, hyung. breathing gets you horny.”

“hm,” seongwu says, and aggressively palms the head of daniel’s cock. daniel stops talking back after that.

they shower afterwards, and daniel crawls into bed after drying his hair and can’t fall asleep. all that anxious energy from earlier combined with… everything with sungwoon makes for a lot of tossing and turning. he’s probably keeping seongwu awake, shaking the bed and making too much noise.

but he can’t stop thinking. sungwoon never said anything about _feelings,_ about _romance,_ about the soft, quiet moments they’ve had with each other, in between the meaningful touches and the suggestive looks and the innuendo. but if daniel didn’t imagine that half of it, he wants to hope that he didn’t imagine the other half, either.

sungwoon said he'd come find him, which means daniel needs to be patient. that's not really the problem. contrary to general belief, he _can_ be patient. with enough distraction -- and there's plenty given their careers -- he'll be fine. he's not excited about waiting, but he'll do it. he'll make it work.

the problem is more that he doesn't know what to expect. sungwoon talked about sucking him off -- but he also talked about kissing. but he also talked about minhyun. and seongwu. and daniel doesn't know what that _means._ he thinks it probably means he should call this thing off with seongwu, which will be awkward, but he doesn't think it's the end of the world. it's not like they do this every night. most nights they're too tired to even think about it, and even on nights when they aren't, too often one of them just isn't in the mood, and they pass it up.

but he doesn't know. he doesn't know what any of this means. it would be easier if they could all just say it out loud. if he could just ask him, "hyung, do you like guys?" and sungwoon could answer and neither of them would have to worry and then daniel would _know._

because he doesn't think seongwu likes guys -- not the way daniel does, anyway. it's not about attraction between them. he knows, logically, that seongwu is attractive, that some people look for bright eyes and a slim figure and a smooth, defined jaw. those people aren't daniel, but that doesn't mean he can't acknowledge it. but with sungwoon it's different. daniel can't help looking at broad shoulders and a warm, stocky body and _wanting._ he can't help staring at strong forearms and licking his lips a little. he can't help looking at round, firm muscles in tight pants and wanting to touch.

and fuck, there's more than that (there's the little lopsided smile, the way his hair falls in his eyes when he looks down and laughs high pitched and embarrassed, the gentle hand on daniel's lower back in the middle of a performance), but now all he can think about is wanting and touching and wanting to touch. all he can think about is a dark head of red hair right on level with his hips, hands at his waistband, tugging at his belt and pushing his pants away.

fuck. he just got off. they _just_ got off, maybe an hour and a half ago. daniel's showered, clean, comfy, and warm in bed, but his dick stirs against his inner thigh when his stupid brain tries to imagine the kind of warm, wet heat sungwoon could give him, the kind of gentle pressure all around, the sudden hard suction, making his knees weak, his legs wobble.

he gives up eventually. he won't be able to sleep, not with all this on his mind, and he's not gonna do it right here with seongwu just a few feet above him, probably still awake from all of daniel's tossing and turning.

so he makes his way back to the bathroom, turns the water to cold. he has every intention of following through with that plan, but when he yanks his pajamas off he can't help a swift, gentle palm of his dick, and it's so easy to give in to temptation. he cranks the water back up to warm, then hot, and bounces anxiously, impatiently, on his toes while he waits for it to heat back up.

back under the hot flow again, he closes his eyes, calls back the image of sungwoon in front of him. he runs his hands down his chest the way sungwoon would (the way he _did_ ), lingers over his nipples for half a second. the tiny jolt is so small, but just enough to make him bite his lip. sungwoon would probably tease him for that, spend a few minutes just poking and prodding and flicking and playing to get daniel embarrassed and flustered.

but he's not gonna get off like that. he slides one hand down, tries for half a second to imitate the angle sungwoon would have before giving up and letting his imagination do the work. sungwoon would palm him slow at first, pressed up against him, one hand still on his chest. he'd probably say something about daniel being red and embarrassed, probably squeeze daniel's dick a little to tease. his voice would be low, quiet, because they can't let people hear them, and so smooth it makes daniel want to melt.

under the water, daniel squeezes his dick, a little tighter than he normally would. it hurts, just a little, but it's not _bad._ it's not unpleasant. in his head, sungwoon asks, "you like that? like when i get a little rough with you?"

he nods without meaning to, then coughs and shakes his head, trying to clear reality from fantasy. in his head, sungwoon sinks down to his knees, reaches up and and around to cup his ass, and daniel moves his hands to do the same, thinks about sungwoon smiling up at him, drifting his hands down daniel's legs. he can't get the angle to mimic it, but his fantasy sungwoon lingers around his thighs, his calves, leans in and kisses his hip. his dick kicks a little at the image.

finally, he takes himself back in hand, the way sungwoon would -- careful, gentle, like he's handling something precious. in his head, it's only because sungwoon doesn't know what he likes yet, wants to treat him right before he gets rough.

"stay quiet," fantasy sungwoon says. "okay? don't let anyone hear."

embarrassingly, daniel nods in real life, too, but fantasy sungwoon thinks that's funny, because real life and daniel's imagination are one and the same now, apparently. sungwoon dips his head and kisses the head of daniel's dick, so soft. daniel has no way of imitating that with anything more similar than a fingertip, but it's enough to make him whine out loud.

he grips himself by the base, swirls a careful finger around himself the way sungwoon would swirl his tongue. it's so hard to regulate himself, to stop himself from just fucking into his hand, but he knows sungwoon would be slow with him. he's teased him for so long -- why stop now?

in his head, sungwoon parts his lips slowly, drawing daniel's dick in so gentle and warm. daniel makes a circle with his fingers and draws it down slowly, stopping when he meets the edge of his fist. he can't imagine what it would feel like for real, what it would be like to look down and see him there, head bobbing slowly, gently, just the softest, most careful pressure, taking care of him so well.

in his head, sungwoon never picks up speed. it's so hard to match that, to not just give up and jack off hard and fast to the image in his head. but he doesn't know how long it'll be till that image can be a reality -- so he needs to be patient, he needs to wait, and he needs to take this slow.

eventually, sungwoon moves to play with his balls, to reach over his head and run his fingers over daniel's soft but carefully sculpted abs. the longer he draws it out, the more desperate daniel gets, but sungwoon in his mind holds back daniel in real life from fucking into his imaginary mouth with just the gentlest pressure on his hips.

it's like agony, forcing himself to stay so slow. he keeps his eyes closed, so terrified to ruin the illusion and throw all his hard work out the window. his cock feels hot and heavy and firm in his hand. each time the circle of his fingers meets the fist around his base, he gets a little closer, a little more desperate. he makes a tiny little whimper out loud, and sungwoon laughs around his cock. his knees shake.

eventually, sungwoon pops off, smiling up at him. daniel stares down at him, half delirious with words like _want_ and _need._ "you gonna come?" sungwoon asks softly. his corner of his lips is still pressed against the head of daniel's cock as he speaks, so casual and calm.

"yes," daniel whispers out loud.

"okay, baby," sungwoon murmurs. "let me feel it. let me taste you."

daniel fists his cock again, and this time he goes faster, mirroring sungwoon in his head, who finally picks up the pace to give daniel just that little edge more that he needs. his hips buck against his forearms. his stomach tenses. the slow, crackling heat in his stomach suddenly flares to life, and he twists, presses his back against the wall of the shower to hold himself up.

in his head, when he comes, sungwoon keeps his mouth firmly fastened, catches all of it easily. in real life, it's not so simple. he spills over his own fingers and the water washes most of it away. fantasy sungwoon gets to his feet calmly and grabs daniel by the neck, pulls him down so he can press their mouths together and part daniel's lips, slipping his tongue in so daniel can taste himself. in reality, he shoves his fingers into his mouth, rough and hurried, but he still feels warm and salty hit his tongue and whimpers again.

fantasy sungwoon tugs at his cock, so daniel does, too, and it sizzles hot, oversensitive pleasure down his spine. sungwoon laughs at him, but keeps going, and so does daniel, until it shoots something so hot that he slams his head back against the wall in shock. he stops after that, even if, in the fantasy, sungwoon keeps tugging until daniel comes again, all over the bathroom floor.

"good boy," sungwoon tells him. daniel's legs shake so hard he nearly collapses. he doesn't know if he can wait.

* * *

sungwoon doesn’t seek him out, not right away. there’s no time in their schedules and in a way, daniel is almost grateful. as much as he wants this, he’s also scared of the simmering heat under his skin every time sungwoon comes near. when he does come close, it leaves daniel panting in the shower late at night, and sleep deprived in the morning because those few missed minutes of sleep are so precious and important.

he sits far away from him in the van, and sticks close to the younger members when they’re practicing. jihoon and jinyoung don’t remind him of strong, sturdy, stocky arms and a lopsided, toothy smile. seongwu and minhyun are too close to sungwoon -- if daniel hangs with them then sungwoon is never far behind, and he’s trying not to be obvious.

but it’s harder than it should be.

music video filming is never as glamorous or fun as he pictured. it’s just like practice except hotter and sweatier, with heavy, uncomfortable outfits and makeup sitting heavy on his skin. mistakes are less forgivable, because one messed up take could mean an extra thirty minutes of filming, as makeup has to be reapplied and outfits have to be readjusted and cameras and members and backup dancers have to find their original spots and start all over again.

daniel has rarely struggled with memorizing dances, ever. when math and science and english and literature slipped away from him, dance was always a comforting promise -- he _knows_ dance, because he knows his body, and he knows how it moves. he takes care of himself and his muscles and his body because it’s the one thing he knows he’s good at, the one thing he can get right the first time, every time. usually.

the problem is that mistakes, when he makes them, are hard to miss. he’s big and wide and sturdy and right up front about ninety percent of the time -- so when he missteps, when he falls behind by half a beat, when he’s too fast or just slightly off to the right, everyone knows. and with their choreography director standing right behind the camera, eyes sharp and watchful, a hand over his mouth, even the smallest mistake can’t go unnoticed.

but daniel _knows_ this dance, like he knows his body and the gravity that pulls on it and the wind that whips around him when he turns, the strain and stretch of his muscles as he pushes them. unfortunately, he also knows that vocalists take center stage during their lines, and that clean swipes of makeup turn a round face into a strong chiseled jaw, and that hand-picked, carefully altered outfits will line already distracting shoulders and biceps and thighs and ass in ways that shouldn’t be legal.

he can’t help it -- his eyes following long, dramatic lines as arms reach back behind them, as sturdy legs elongate and stretch to show off firm muscle, the result of months of hard work in their fitness center, and even harder work in their kitchen. he can’t help zeroing in on slow, miniscule movements in the hips, teeth catching on a bottom lip when a head flashes to the side. a half second of distraction is all it takes to throw him off. and the instant he rushes to catch up, people start yelling.

the first time -- fine. whatever. no big deal. the second time is frustrating. the third time is unacceptable. the fourth is when things get out of hand.

“everybody go sit down!” the choreo director snaps. he tosses his coffee in the trash, maybe with more force than necessary. daniel keeps his face carefully blank, eyes on the floor, and tries not to flinch.

“what is wrong with you?” the director demands. he gets up in daniel’s face, and daniel tucks his chin to his chest. everyone’s eyes are on him, and they’re all asking themselves the same question. it’s been a long time since he had to be reprimanded about _dance_ like this.

the director jabs him sharp in the chest. “three weeks ago you were teaching this dance to everyone else, now suddenly you can’t do it? you’re putting everyone off schedule right now. no one else is having a problem with this, and suddenly you can’t count to eight?”

“i’m sorry,” daniel says quietly.

“from the end of the second verse,” the director says. he takes a half step back to give daniel room to spread his body, announces counts of eight as daniel nails every step perfectly on time, lines and movements sharp and perfect. he drifts effortlessly into place to go into the bridge, and the director says, “again.”

he’s silent this time, and daniel nails the counts in his head just as well as he did when they were out loud. to music, this should be even easier. everyone’s watching him. he sweats under the collar of his shirt. the tie around his neck is just a little too tight. but it’s not the dance that’s getting to him. it’s not the mistakes, the missteps, the timing. he knows this dance -- that’s not the problem. the problem is the human shaped distraction three steps in front of him for the whole of the second chorus. the problem is that daniel’s been avoiding him for a good two weeks, and now it’s coming back to bite him, because he looks like the sun with his freshly dyed hair and soft makeup and fresh pressed shirt clinging to him, and daniel is melting.

“if you can do it now, why can’t you do it when the camera’s rolling!” the director thunders.

daniel drops his arms to his sides, gives a tiny bow of apology. “i’m sorry,” he says.

the director takes a deep breath, and daniel braces himself for more yelling, but the exhale comes as a sigh. “everyone be back in ten,” he says, ignoring the groaning of the camera workers and the video director behind him. he jabs daniel in the chest with a finger and says, “go get your head screwed on right.”

so daniel flees to the bathroom, immediately fucks his makeup by throwing water on his face. it doesn’t really help, but it feels nice when his whole body is hot with shame and guilt and embarrassment. he’s surrounded by attractive, dolled-up young men all the time, but of course it’s _now_ that it fucks him over. the most important comeback of the year for the second biggest boy group in the nation, and suddenly he’s tripping over his feet trying to catch up with everyone because the guy in front of him looks good in some eyeshadow.

he’s an embarrassment. he’s probably put them all behind by an hour now, which means an hour later that they get back tonight, an hour less sleep for already tired and worn bodies. daehwi and guanlin are still kids. they need their sleep, and daniel’s fucking it up for them right now.

the door clicks shut quietly off to the side, and two warm hands land on his shoulders, massaging gently through his shirt. he flinches, but when he looks up it’s jisung’s soft, forgiving smile he looks into, not sungwoon’s.

“hyung,” he mumbles, and the embarrassment floods over him again. he shuts off the water and straightens, slowly.

“it’s not your fault,” jisung says. “we’re all tired. don’t blame yourself, okay? just calm down and come back and nail it.”

“it is my fault, though,” daniel says. “i keep getting… i keep messing up. my head’s not here.”

“so where is it?” jisung asks.

daniel huffs, frustrated, and turns around. jisung hands him a paper towel and he dabs carefully at his face, frowning even harder at the makeup that smudges off. how is he supposed to answer that? his head is back in the shower, in that public restroom backstage of a music festival, in the practice room, in his own bed. it’s buried between a pair of legs, shoved up tight against soft, full lips, rested against a shoulder, his mouth on thick, firm neck muscle.

“i don’t know,” he says. “not here.”

“just breathe, niel,” jisung says quietly. “you can do this. you know this dance better than any of us.”

“that’s not true,” daniel denies, but jisung rolls his eyes. “okay, well. it’s not the point. doesn’t matter if i know the dance if i’m still…”

the door swings open halfway through his sentence, and sungwoon walks in. he doesn’t have the urgency of someone rushing to the bathroom, and when he sees them standing there, he looks away quickly and heads for a stall.

“... distracted,” daniel finishes, when sungwoon shuts the stall door behind him.

“oh, niel,” jisung says softly, like he knows, like he _knows,_ and hot fear flashes through daniel like lightning, turning his blood from sand to glass. “i know. we’re all thinking about it. try to put it out of your mind, okay? there’s still time left.”

that-- okay. daniel feels like he’s gone from 0 to 100 back to 0 in the last three seconds. he lets out a sharp breath, like he’s been kicked in the gut. “i… yeah,” he says, weak, almost relieved. yeah. the big looming date. that’s what he’s worried about. sure. “i know.”

“just focus on making this the best you can, okay?” jisung says. “this won’t be the last one for you. you can do this. if you don’t put in all the effort you’ve got then you’ll spend the rest of your life regretting it.”

“you’re right, hyung,” daniel mumbles. “i’m sorry.”

“don’t apologize to me,” jisung says, and gives daniel’s cheek a light pat. “you’re being too hard on yourself. just be daniel. you’ve got this.”

daniel bites his bottom lip, nods, and jisung smiles at him. “i’ll stall for a few extra minutes. don’t take too long, okay?”

“yes, hyung,” daniel says.

sungwoon’s stall opens as soon as the main bathroom door shuts, and he’s got his hands on daniel in even less time, rubbing up and down his ribs, wrapping around to his back and pulling him close. “you okay?”

“wash your hands,” daniel says weakly. he feels dizzy. the last time they stood this close was in another public restroom.

“didn’t come in here to piss,” sungwoon says. “sorry. this is my fault.”

“no it’s not,” daniel protests. “i’m the one…”

“getting distracted by my ass?” sungwoon finishes. “yeah. takes two.” he rubs daniel’s lower back gently. they’re standing so close. he’s warm and the color around his eyes makes him look gorgeous.

“still,” daniel mumbles. “i just need to focus. you’re just… dancing. i’m the one being stupid.”

“i’ll tell you what’s stupid,” sungwoon says. he takes a half step closer, pressing his chest to daniel’s, staring up at him with a hint of that stupid cute toothy smile. “how good your ass looks in those pants. how good you look in short sleeves.” he pauses, wraps his arms all the way around daniel’s middle in a hug. “how bad i wanna kiss you.”

“hyung,” daniel whispers. the hair on the back of his neck is standing up, his face is hot, he’s sweating under the collar again.

“relax, niel,” sungwoon whispers back. “it’s just me. what are you so scared of?”

“someone walking through that door,” daniel says, eyes flicking over for a second.

sungwoon stands there for half a beat longer, then sighs, squeezes daniel once, quick, and steps back. daniel looks down at the ground. “yeah,” sungwoon says. “you’re right. sorry. i shouldn’t be making the distraction worse.”

“it’s my fault, hyung,” daniel says softly. “i’ll get over it.”

sungwoon cracks a small smile, just around one corner of his lips. “hopefully not too fast,” he says. “i’ve barely gotten my hands on you. i was hoping for a little more.”

daniel can’t really help smiling at that. “not that fast,” he reassures him, voice soft. “i mean… it’s not likely.”

sungwoon gives him a friendly pat on the arm, lingers just a little too long to _stay_ friendly. “i’ll hold you to that,” he says. “don’t let me down.”

daniel’s mouth is a little dry, his head is almost swimming. “it’s a date,” he murmurs.

sungwoon’s smile gives daniel sunburn.

* * *

they’re supposed to have the next day off, but daniel’s got some solo schedule he can’t remember signing an agreement to. when they get back to the dorm that night he collapses into bed, dirty clothes and worn makeup and all, and drags the blankets over his head.

“niel.” seongwu pulls the blankets back, frowning. “get up. you need to shower.”

“i’m tired,” daniel whines, tugging the blankets against seongwu’s grip. “i got yelled at today, hyung, let me sleep.”

“you’re going to regret that,” seongwu says. “you’ve got schedules tomorrow, you’re not going to have time to shower in the morning.”

daniel huffs. “just twenty minutes,” he says. he cracks his eyes open and pouts, gives seongwu a quick once over. “... i’ll pay you back.”

seongwu frowns, thinks for a second, then sighs and drops the sheets back over daniel’s body. “okay. but that’s all you’re getting.” daniel thinks he says something else, but he loses track of everything as soon as the blankets fall on top of him again.

he drifts after that in a doze, too uncomfortable to really fall asleep, too tired to get up and do anything about it. the others are out in the halls -- stomping around, yelling about their free day tomorrow. they don’t mean anything by it, they’re just tired from the long day and it’s not their responsibility to keep track of his schedules. he was never going to actually fall asleep like this anyway. the music keeps drifting through his brain, a loop of that part he couldn’t nail in the filming today. it’s both comforting and haunting.

the bed dips, and he holds his breath -- maybe if seongwu thinks he’s really asleep then he’ll leave him alone. a hand comes up to brush gently at his hair, pushing it back from his forehead. something cool and damp skims over his face, and it startles him enough to blink his eyes open.

but it’s not seongwu. it’s sungwoon, with a makeup wipe in his hand. he smiles gently, a corner of a tooth shining between his lips. “you shouldn’t sleep with your makeup on,” he says, voice quiet and soft.

daniel groans and rolls onto his back. sungwoon offers him the wipe and daniel takes it with a heavy sigh, wiping makeup from his face in rough messy swipes. sungwoon drops a pair of pajamas on his stomach and laughs quietly. “you’re making a mess,” he says, pulling the wipe back from daniel’s hand and gently cleaning his face. “there you go,” he says eventually. “come on, get up, you need to change.”

daniel pouts, but deep down he knows he’s already missed his chance at sleep, so he sits up in a huff. sungwoon doesn’t even pretend to turn his back while he changes, but daniel’s too tired to care. he drops heavily back onto the bed next to sungwoon when he’s done.

he sniffles, rubs at his eyes. “where’s seongwu hyung?”

“i told him minhyun was looking for him,” sungwoon says, “and he ran off all excited. i thought i’d come check on you. and, uh… we should probably talk.”

suddenly daniel doesn’t feel so sleepy. he glances away, studying a mark on the floor. “yeah?” he says, barely above a whisper.

“niel,” sungwoon says, and daniel looks back over. he can’t read sungwoon’s face -- can’t tell if he’s trying for carefully expressionless or if there’s just so much there that daniel can’t begin to separate one thing from the other.

“am i making you uncomfortable?” sungwoon asks.

daniel startles a little, dragged from his thoughts and unnecessarily careful study of sungwoon’s face. “no, hyung,” he says. “i… isn’t it obvious?”

sungwoon makes a face. “not really,” he says. “i thought maybe i came on a little strong. i just got tired of… doing things and not being able to tell if you even noticed.”

daniel bites the inside of his cheek. “i noticed,” he says quietly. “i just… i thought i was imagining it.”

sungwoon looks down, then very slowly and very deliberately puts a hand on daniel’s knee. “you’re not imagining it,” he says. he massages his thumb against the joint. “can we just… i’m tired of avoiding the subject. you know i’m attracted to you. i assume you’re attracted to me.”

daniel’s leg jumps a little under sungwoon’s touch, a tiny twitch that betrays him. he smiles, bashful. “i… yeah. today wasn’t obvious enough?”

“i just…” sungwoon lets out a slow breath between his teeth and then pulls his hand away from daniel’s leg to run his fingers through his hair. “i can’t tell how serious you are about it. you said you’ve… i mean. you’ve fucked around with seongwu.”

daniel’s mouth goes suddenly dry. “s-serious?” he says. “i mean… yeah. just like… um.”

“handjobs?” sungwoon guesses, dropping his voice low. “maybe a blowjob?”

“um,” daniel whispers. “just… no. not that. just like… helping each other out.”

sungwoon sighs. “yeah,” he says. “i thought so. that's not... that's not what i want for us. you get that, right?"

daniel feels like his head is spinning. no, he doesn't get that. he has no idea what that means. "i mean..." he says. "i thought... i mean, i assumed... um. i don't know."

sungwoon stares at him for a second, then laughs, quiet. "can i do something that might make you uncomfortable?" he asks.

daniel doesn't think anything about sungwoon could make him uncomfortable. confused, uncertain, embarrassed and out of his league, sure. uncomfortable? never. "yeah," he says.

sungwoon moves so easily that daniel barely processes it until sungwoon is settled in his lap, a knee on either side of his hips, arms wrapped around daniel's neck. daniel doesn't even think, hands coming up quickly to rest on his waist, pulling him close. sungwoon kneels up a little, staring down at him. daniel stares back in a daze, not a clue what to say.

"i wanna fuck," sungwoon says, his voice carefully pitched as low as possible. "do you get that? the rest of it... i mean, i'm not gonna say no. but there's nothing there that's new or exciting. can i touch you?"

the question is so abrupt that it takes daniel a second to understand he's meant to respond. "um," he says, half a beat too late. "yes."

sungwoon slips one arm from around daniel's neck, trails his hand down his chest, his stomach, slides between his legs, which daniel unthinkingly parts to accommodate him. the gentle squeeze sungwoon gives him through loose pajama pants is nearly enough to make him whine, but he holds it back, refusing to look completely desperate.

sungwoon leans their foreheads together. "i want you inside me," he says. "you haven't done that, right?"

"a-a couple times," daniel mumbles. "with girls."

"well, that's something," sungwoon murmurs. "same concept. i'll help you. are you uncomfortable right now?"

daniel shakes his head quickly. "no," he says. "just... um." he can feel his cheeks reddening. "flustered. i guess."

sungwoon smiles, a slow bloom across his face. "are you?" he asks gently. "just from all this? are you like this with seongwu?"

"no," daniel says quickly. it's not a _lie_ \-- as distracted as he gets with seongwu, it's more a reaction to the act than the person. with sungwoon, it's hard to forget just who he has in his lap, who he's touching, who's touching him.

"so i'm special," sungwoon says. he tips their foreheads together again, slides his arm back to wrap around daniel's neck again.

"you... you knew that," daniel says, weakly. it's not like he's not obvious. it's not like he's ever hidden anything well.

"but it's nice to hear," sungwoon says, teasing. he does that so well -- finds daniel's little buttons and presses them in ways he isn't used to, ways he doesn't expect. "what's so special, then?"

the way his teeth show his smile before his lips do, daniel thinks. the way he throws his whole voice into a laugh, so no one can ever question whether he thinks something is funny or not. the steady passion in his voice when he sings. the quiet, unassuming way he looks after people, like he thinks they won't notice. how he silently carries his burdens without ever showing how much he's hurting.

"um," daniel says, without a clue as to where to start. "you're... you're shorter than seongwu hyung."

sungwoon stares at him for half a second, then punches out a single sharp laugh, only to bite his lips together to muffle it. his body shakes gently against daniel's for a moment, the smile carrying all the way to his eyes. "shorter, sure," he says when he's managed to contain himself. "but half the people in this group could snap him in half. can't say the same about me, can you?"

it's true, sungwoon's a more solid frame in daniel's arms, warm and firm and strong. "just... proves my point, right?" he says. "that you're special."

"mmm," sungwoon hums softly. "you're pretty special yourself. can i kiss you?"

daniel abruptly feels like he's been punched in the gut. "...huh?"

"i'm going to put my mouth on yours," sungwoon says. "and maybe swallow your tongue. if you're okay with it."

"um," daniel says.

"it's a yes or no question, niel." sungwoon bumps their noses together.

"yes?" daniel says. he'd thought the answer was obvious by now. maybe not.

sungwoon smiles, and daniel doesn't have time to think before he leans in. his lips are even softer than daniel dreamed, wiped free of that gentle gloss from the filming, just a thin layer of fruity lip balm, the mint of his toothpaste. daniel knows how to do this part, and the second he has an opening, he takes the lead, pulling sungwoon's thick bottom lip between his teeth, running his tongue along it.

sungwoon groans quietly, leans forward and opens his mouth for daniel to slip inside, tasting the roof of his mouth, his tongue, the backs of his teeth. when he pulls back, sungwoon tilts his head and takes his turn. it's too easy to let him lead, even when daniel knows what he's doing, when he's done this a thousand times. sungwoon is so careful with him, like he's never done this before, but when he pulls away they're both breathless.

sungwoon kisses him again, softer, eyes open this time. he sits back slowly, shaking his head. "carried away," he mumbles. "sorry."

"it's fine," daniel whispers. he feels like if he speaks any louder he'll shatter this... _thing_ that's happening right now.

sungwoon clears his throat, confirming daniel's theory by breaking that quiet tension. "sorry," he says again. "didn't mean to do that. i just came here to talk, but you..."

"i didn't think i was doing anything," daniel says.

"you're not," sungwoon sighs. he opens his mouth, like he has something more to say, but then stops himself and shakes his head again. "don't worry about it," he says, more at ease, though some part of it feels... almost forced, to daniel. "just... um. yeah. we can't do anything in the dorms. not that seongwu or minhyunnie would mind covering for us, i'm sure, just... it's safer if we wait. too hard-- uh. too difficult when we're not even on the same floor. i'll let you know when, okay?"

daniel nods, though he can't figure out what's got sungwoon so shaken all of the sudden. "are you okay?" he asks.

"hm?" sungwoon pulls away for real now, standing slowly and fixing his pajamas and hair. "of course. you just..." he smiles, and this at least feels real. "i never expect myself to act the way i do around you."

"... i don't know what that means," daniel says.

sungwoon laughs, then steps forward to stand between daniel's knees, combing his hair into place with his fingers. daniel leans his forehead against sungwoon's chest, letting himself revel in the soft scratch of nails against the back of his neck. "don't worry about it," sungwoon says. "just let me figure all this out, okay? i'll make the plans, you just be ready. don't be booking up your nights with jihoon or seongwu."

right. because daniel's going to be able to focus on jerking seongwu off or playing games with jihoon when sungwoon could text him at any moment to be naked and ready. "i won't," he says into sungwoon's shirt.

sungwoon leans down, kisses the top of his head so gently. "good," he murmurs. "then i'll take care of everything else."

and daniel can't imagine not trusting him with that.

* * *

he can't look at sungwoon for days after -- not out of embarrassment or trying to hide, for once, but just because he doesn't trust himself to look him in the eyes and not grab him by the cheeks and pull him back in. but after the initial awkwardness passes, he starts to get antsy and uncomfortable when sungwoon isn't by his side. when they stand next to each other, daniel has his hands on him before he even realizes it's happening. he catches himself with tiny sparks of jealousy when sungwoon laughs at someone else, when he and minhyun ride the elevator a couple floors more, standing together so closely.

he can't help wondering what they're doing when they're up there, alone in their room. logically, he knows it's probably nothing. it's not like he and seongwu are doing anything, either, but seongwu seems to have something on his mind lately almost as much as daniel does. it's just hard to miss the intimacy between them, now that it's been pointed out.

but he doesn't want to be jealous. he's not trying to be possessive. all they've talked about is sex, much as daniel gets the sense that there's something else just under the surface that sungwoon hasn’t mentioned. they haven't committed to anything except some vague concept of... something. in the future. they don't even have a set date. so daniel isn't going to be jealous, or _weird,_ or anything. it's not as if minhyun isn't his friend, too.

so he pushes it all aside. he knows what his feelings are, but he's not going to get carried away with them. they can talk about that later. right now he's just going to focus on this comeback, on their long days of practice and recording and filming, and later, when there's time, he'll worry about the rest.

but it doesn't happen -- not for a long time. the comeback is as stressful as it is relieving, as exhausting as much as a chance to rest, finally. all that stress and work and all the schedules that follow are enough to distract him for a little, so that when the call finally comes, he's almost forgotten that he's still waiting.

they're in japan, just after his birthday. things are too busy for him to stop and take time to feel older, until he has a big, spacious room to himself again, a nice warm bed and a stack of soft pillows. he's in bed with a staff-mandated face mask, watching videos of the cats his mom sent as a birthday present, when the message pops up on his screen.

>> sungwoon hyung: come see me?  
>> sungwoon hyung: alone...

daniel taps the notification on instinct, only to stare at it in disbelief and confusion. he types back slowly, trying to choose his words carefully.

<< you: im doing a face mask  
<< you: is something up?

sungwoon reads the messages right away, but doesn't reply for a long minute and a half. daniel holds his breath nearly the entire time he's waiting.

>> sungwoon hyung: not planning on talking, if that's what you're asking...  
<< you: oh  
<< you: tonight?  
>> sungwoon hyung: now?  
>> sungwoon hyung: forget the face mask

surely sexier words have never been spoken. daniel sends back another quick message and pulls the mask off early, wiping his face and then standing in the middle of his room like he's lost his mind. should he bring something? he doesn't even have anything to bring. is he going to be sleeping there? should he bring clothes? maybe he's expecting too much out of the first time. maybe he's getting ahead of himself. or maybe he's underestimating it. he has no idea what sungwoon has planned. maybe--

his phone vibrates in his hand. he doesn't even read the messages at first, too distracted by the image attached, an awkward angle of sungwoon stretched out on his bed, pouting into the camera, in just a thin white undershirt and his boxers.

>> sungwoon hyung: hurry up [img attached]  
>> sungwoon hyung: oh my god that's so embarrassing  
>> sungwoon hyung: pretend you didn't see that

daniel laughs out loud in disbelief, then rubs quickly at his eyes before shoving his phone into his pocket and his feet into a pair of slippers. he realizes as soon as the door closes behind him that he's left his room key behind, but... it's too late now, and he doesn't want to keep sungwoon waiting any longer.

he stands in front of sungwoon's door for way too long, trying to build up the courage to knock. finally, he raises a hand only for the door to pull away from him, sungwoon standing on the other side and blinking in surprise.

"oh," he says. "i was about to come looking for you." he's got a deep blue bathrobe wrapped around himself, casting a sharp difference from his white hair. daniel gets a little too caught up in staring, only glancing back up at his face when sungwoon clears his throat.

"hi," daniel says, voice rasping a little. "can i come in?"

sungwoon smiles, pulling the door open and stepping to the side. "be my guest."

daniel walks in and immediately forgets every word he's ever known, and freezes in place to top it off. sungwoon doesn't seem to notice, though, grabs him by the hand and pulls him toward the bed. daniel follows without thinking, dropping onto the corner and looking away.

"nervous, huh?" sungwoon says. he stands in front of daniel, hands on his hips. daniel stares down at his feet.

"hey," sungwoon says, and daniel looks up on instinct, but the soft, gentle look in sungwoon's eyes isn't the lusting, sensual expression he was expecting. "what are you so scared of?"

"i'm not scared," daniel says. he's had sex before. he's no stranger to this stuff. it's just...

"then stop acting like i'm about to bite your dick off," sungwoon says. he reaches out and takes daniel's hand, massaging his palm with his thumbs. "i told you i'd take care of everything. i meant it. don't be so shy unless you wanna call this off. i know when you're uncomfortable."

"i'm not uncomfortable," daniel protests. "i'm... flustered. i don't know..."

"how to do this?" sungwoon guesses.

"what you're expecting," daniel says. "i don't wanna... come off the wrong way."

god, he wants to wince at himself. way to be obvious -- might as well announce that he's got a crush on sungwoon, that it's never been just about sex for him. that there's always been something simpler behind the complicated glances and touches and innuendos he shares with his hyung.

sungwoon tips his head to the side a little. "i told you not to worry about anything," he says. "i was serious when i said i'd take care of _everything._ don't stress about all the rest of it right now, okay? i'll walk you through this and we're just gonna…” he pauses, like there’s something more he wants to say, but he doesn’t know how to say it, then seems to change his mind. “we're gonna have a good time and make each other feel good, and take things from there."

daniel's breath catches a little. he wants so bad to hold both of sungwoon's hands in his and make him understand -- but it sounds like he already does. maybe... maybe it will be okay. maybe daniel can just forget about not being _weird_ for one night and just... let this happen.

"you okay?" sungwoon murmurs. "you know we don't have to."

"i know," daniel says, staring back up at him. "i'm okay. yeah. sorry."

"don't be sorry," sungwoon says. "you're not doing anything wrong." he lifts daniel's hand to his mouth and kisses his palm, so gentle, so careful, and daniel feels like he can't breathe. sungwoon opens his eyes and smiles at him, then lowers daniel's hand to the knot in the drawstring around his bathrobe.

"c'mon," he murmurs. just one word, but enough for daniel to feel fireworks explode in his stomach. he glances up, meets sungwoon's eyes, then immediately drops his gaze and tugs at the knot. sungwoon moves obligingly when daniel pushes the robe off his chest, down his shoulders, so he's standing there in a loose undershirt and his underwear. he looks so soft, so beautiful -- daniel wants to touch him so bad. and for the first time, there's nothing to stop him. it's what he wants, it's what sungwoon wants, and there are no eyes on them. the door is locked, the curtains are pulled shut tight, and they're ten floors in the air regardless.

"niel," sungwoon whispers. daniel can't look him in the eyes, but he can slide his hands just under the hem of sungwoon's shirt, fingertips against skin for the first time. he runs his hands up sungwoon's ribs, his shirt riding up with daniel's movements, revealing smooth, soft tummy and beautiful, unmarked skin. instinct tells daniel to change that, and he leans in quick, kissing just above and to the right of sungwoon's belly button. his skin is soft, warm, just enough pleasant give against daniel's mouth. sungwoon groans quietly when daniel sucks against his skin, and when he pulls away there's a slowly blooming mark, ugly and misshapen but it's the only flaw on his otherwise perfect body, and daniel put it there and sungwoon looks... affected.

daniel stares up at his face, and sungwoon takes a deep breath and steps closer. daniel lets his hands slowly drag down his back, resting just above his hips when sungwoon sets a knee on the bed. it's weird, having to look up at him, but sungwoon makes it all so natural, so intimate, like they've done this a thousand times before. daniel feels as in his element as he does out of it, as certain as he is not of every movement, every breath.

"lie down," sungwoon says, his voice so quiet. "hard to make out with you like this."

daniel tries not to scramble backwards too quickly, dragging his body up the bed toward the pillows. sungwoon kneels on the bed and falls forward ungracefully, landing rather roughly on daniel's chest, but he giggles softly and daniel can't help but laugh back.

sungwoon rests an elbow on daniel's chest, leaning over him, brushing his jaw with his fingertips. daniel turns into the touch, closes his eyes, and for a long few seconds they lie like that, just breathing together. daniel can feel every movement of sungwoon's chest against his, and he times his breathing to match, slow and steady and calm.

sungwoon's voice is very close when he finally speaks. "i can feel your heartbeat."

daniel opens his eyes and sungwoon is _right_ there, inches away. it would take the smallest movement for their lips to slide together. suddenly daniel misses the softness of sungwoon's mouth against his, the strange but comfortable wetness. it feels like it's been years, centuries, since he's tasted him.

"you're not as nervous," sungwoon murmurs. he brushes his thumb along daniel's cheekbone.

"you said to trust you," daniel says. "so i am. trying to, anyways."

sungwoon stares at him, laughs softly, and leans in to peck him on the lips so quick, fleeting, faster than daniel's heartbeat. "you're perfect," he says, and daniel's stomach does a backflip. "i'm gonna make out with you now."

"yes, please," daniel says.

"so polite," sungwoon whispers right against his mouth, but daniel doesn't have time to unpack that before their mouths are pressed firmly together. he loses track of time like that, with sungwoon pressed long against him, pulling him in, kissing him long and hard, then soft and quick. it should get boring, repetitive, but daniel can't even separate one second from the next. they could be there for a minute or an hour and he wouldn't know the difference. the only measurement of time like that is the number of breaths they share; day changes to night when sungwoon shifts, sliding a knee over daniel's leg, and gently pressing between his thighs.

that's when his tone shifts, when his kisses get more urgent. his hand falls from daniel's jaw, running up and down daniel's neck, then along his shoulder, his collarbone, coming to rest finally over daniel's chest, fingers spread conveniently to miss his nipple. daniel nearly mistakes the first gentle rock against his hip for his imagination, except that the second follows too quickly to miss and not nearly as gentle as the first.

it's kind of hard to process -- that sungwoon is grinding against his hip, slowly rocking into him the way daniel's done into his own fist, imagining a thousand scenarios like this and yet... nothing like this at all. nothing compares to the real thing. nothing is like the way sungwoon takes care of him. nothing even begins to hold a light to the sparks in his stomach when sungwoon (accidentally?) flicks a finger over his nipple, to the nervous thrill when he realizes he can _feel_ him against his hip.

sungwoon pulls back. "heart's beating faster," he murmurs. "nervous?"

daniel swallows, takes a long inhale of sungwoon's exhale. "turned on?" he suggests.

sungwoon smiles. "good. wanna turn it up a little?"

"um," daniel whispers. "yes. that... that sounds good."

sungwoon kisses him again, soft, quick, almost... daniel can't quite make himself think the word, but almost _loving._ "i've got you," he says. "i'm gonna take my shirt off, but that leaves you way overdressed. think you can match me?"

daniel feels so _stupid,_ so inexperienced -- it's not like he's never been naked in front of someone before. not like he's never been naked in front of a man before. but sungwoon makes it feel so different, so unfamiliar, like he's younger and stupider and more confused, just by breathing and smiling and touching like... like he cares, more than he's let on.

and he waits so patiently for daniel to answer, keeps asking for these quiet affirmations, like he thinks daniel won't notice if he disguises them as something else. like right now, he's backed off a little, tracing careful circles in the center of daniel's chest, giving him a bit of space to breathe.

"i... i can do that," he says, and sungwoon kisses him again, longer than the last one, less intense than the ones before, then sits up and turns away to start pulling his shirt off. daniel makes himself look away quickly so he won't get distracted and follows suit.

this anxiety is so stupid, he _knows._ they've all changed in front of each other a hundred times. they've made fun of each other's underwear, given each other casual slaps on the ass while half naked. but again, sungwoon makes it so... different. so daniel doesn't let himself take a second to think before he pushes down the waistband of his pajamas and kicks them off his feet, or he knows he won't do it. when he glances back over his shoulder, sungwoon is folding his undershirt like he actually cares about keeping it unwrinkled -- or maybe he does. maybe he's spent too much time around minhyun.

fuck. bad train of thought right there. don't think about minhyun. don't think about how close they are. don't think about how many times they've fucked, how sungwoon's ease and comfort with this whole situation probably comes from the countless times he's been in this exact position with another of daniel's best friends.

sungwoon glances back and smiles. "ready?"

god. focus. _focus._ daniel nods quickly, then freezes in place, not sure what comes next, what sungwoon's expecting or wanting or... anything.

sungwoon seems to sense the return of the tension, and reaches out carefully to lay a hand over daniel's. "hey," he says. "just lie down. i've got you."

so daniel does as he's told, expecting sungwoon to crawl up his side again, but instead he kneels at daniel's feet, pushing his knees so gently apart. it's an oddly discomforting position -- not one he's ever found himself in before. he's had girls like this, spread out underneath him, but maybe it says something about his perceptions of sex that he's never been on his back for anyone before. not spread open, flushing slowly with embarrassment.

sungwoon's eyes are all over him, and daniel doesn't know what to make of that. he keeps his hands on daniel's knees as he slips his body between them. this isn't what daniel pictured when sungwoon said _"i want you inside of me,"_ but maybe that was another stupid, anxious assumption he shouldn't have made.

"hey," sungwoon says again. "what are you freaking out over?"

"i'm not," daniel says, but the look on sungwoon's face is enough to break him almost immediately. "um," he continues, quieter. "i just... this is... i thought you... i mean, you made it sound like i would be... on top."

sungwoon stares at him for a second, and then bursts into loud, full body laughter. "scared of bottoming, kang daniel?" he asks after few seconds, and reaches out to grab his hand. "relax. not this time. if you wanna someday, sure, but i've seen enough of what you're packing, and i'm not letting it go to waste. i was just gonna warm you up a bit and suck you off for a little."

it feels like someone's cut a wire in daniel's brain, because that sentence just doesn't process for a second or two, trying to find an alternate path to whatever neuron needs to be fired. "... oh," he says eventually, slow and dumb. " _oh._ "

" _oh,_ " sungwoon teases him gently, squeezing his hand. "please. all i ever do is top minhyunnie. you're going to be an amazing change of pace."

none of that computes either, but mostly because daniel's brain is stuck on the concept of sungwoon sucking him off. in real life. not in daniel's mind in the shower.

"i'm gonna touch you now," sungwoon says, and daniel doesn't even have a chance to think before he's nodding in stupid, blank consent.

sungwoon keeps their hands clasped while he slides the other down daniel's leg. it's been a long time since anyone's touched his thighs like this, and he doesn't think anyone has ever been so careful or... gentle, about it. sungwoon keeps saying he'll take care of things, but it's starting to translate in daniel's brain as "i'll take care of _you_ " and that's dangerous. sungwoon touches him like he _cares,_ and daniel doesn't know how far he can deal with taking that. it's verging just a touch too close on things daniel isn't willing to unload. things he knows they can't have.

and worse, he doesn't want to mistake anything for... something more. the last thing he wants is to assume that sungwoon feels something he doesn't and accidentally push too hard on accident. they're friends, he knows that. they're _good_ friends. he's probably one of four or five people daniel would count among his closest circle, and it's probably just a reflection of that in their interactions that's making daniel think this is something more.

still. sungwoon doesn't have to literally hold his hand while he slides his hand over daniel's cock for the first time, the thin layer of daniel's boxers between them. he doesn't have to twist his hand so their fingers slide together, fitting so nicely. he doesn't have to give daniel that small, gentle smile when daniel's breath hitches with the always strange sensation of being touched by someone new. but he does it anyway.

his hand is smaller than seongwu's, but still bigger than most that he's been touched by. he doesn't go for anything ambitious, just rubs gently between daniel's legs, thumb pressed so carefully against the head of daniel's dick. daniel keeps catching himself holding his breath -- the whole thing is just so intimate. the little smiles, their fingers laced together, the care with which he slowly warms daniel's dick. daniel can barely even focus on the tingles of pleasure as he slides his hand along daniel's full length because he's so distracted by how... tender it all is. this is supposed to be casual, right? but sungwoon is so _careful,_ and what is daniel supposed to make of that?

sungwoon rubs him so slow through his underwear, and it's only when daniel feels himself starting to harden in earnest that he remembers that he should be embarrassed right now. this isn't a stumble in a dressing room, or a badly timed onstage boner -- this is sungwoon deliberately touching him through his clothes, purposely trying to get him hard. if it wasn't _sungwoon,_ maybe daniel could process that a little better.

fingers curl around his dick and tug a little more purposefully, dragging a quiet whine from daniel's mouth without him meaning for it to escape. sungwoon smiles at that and squeezes, and daniel tries to hold still, not buck up into it.

"when's the last time you got blown?" sungwoon asks. "i'm assuming that you have before."

daniel swallows down as much anxiety as he can. "uh... i don't remember. i've only... it's only happened a couple times."

"probably not from anyone with experience," sungwoon muses. he pets daniel's dick like a cat with long, purposeful strokes. "i'll go easy on you, then. let me know if you get too close."

daniel nods frantically and then watches in empty shock as sungwoon finally lets go of his hand and stretches out on his stomach between daniel's legs. he whimpers when sungwoon noses at his dick, throws his head back and closes his eyes when sungwoon places a gentle, closed mouth kiss to the head of his dick.

"shhh," sungwoon murmurs. "i've got you. sensitive?"

"nervous," daniel says, eyes closed and head still pressed to the pillows. "i don't wanna... it's been a while."

sungwoon smiles -- daniel can feel the curve of his lips against his dick, through his boxers. "like i said, just warn me. don't worry so much."

and then he licks over daniel's whole length and daniel loses all sense of time again.

it's probably a minute or so that he spends like that, wetting daniel's underwear until daniel can feel himself nearly as hard as he's going to get. it's hard to keep his breathing steady -- even harder when sungwoon tugs down the waistband of his boxers and pulls him out. everything is a billion times more embarrassing when sungwoon has him out in the open where he can see him. and to make everything even worse, he _laughs._

"what's so funny?" daniel mumbles defensively. "leave my dick alone."

"oh, there's nothing wrong with your dick," sungwoon says. "i'm a big fan. just thinking how i knew you'd be big. and how i can't wait to sit on this."

"hyung," daniel whines. "stop. you're embarrassing me."

"oh, i'm sorry, baby," sungwoon teases. "is it less embarrassing if i do this?" and he curls his fingers around the base of daniel's dick and sucks the head into his mouth, warm and wet and perfect and daniel grips the pillow under his head in surprise and it takes all of his strength not to kick his hips into that warmth.

sungwoon pops off and places another smiling kiss on the tip of daniel's dick. he spends the next unmeasurable amount of time licking daniel's cock like ice cream, a lollipop, before he sucks him back in and dips his head as low as it will go.

daniel thinks he's losing his mind. this can't be real. sungwoon's mouth can't be real. his fingers sliding along daniel's base to meet the edge of his lips can't be real. the hand on daniel's hips to keep his underwear pulled out of the way can't be real.

sungwoon pulls off and pants quietly against the side of daniel's dick, kissing it gently in between breaths. "you taste good," he murmurs. he slides his fingers around tighter, mouths at the side of daniel's dick like he can't get enough. "so fucking ready to get you inside me."

daniel just whimpers -- he's running out of words.

the next time sungwoon takes him into his mouth, he doesn't leave room for daniel to get nervous. he sucks hard, slides along his length quicker than before, twists his hand sharp and rough to meet his lips. daniel's legs keep trying to fall further open, but are restricted by the cinch of his waistband, and all he can do is lie there and pant and whine and try not to shake too hard when sungwoon vacuums his mouth around his cock.

"hyung," he can't help groaning, and sungwoon moans back around him in response, which is a fireworks kind of feeling he's never felt before. it's been so fucking long since he had anything on him other than a hand, and sungwoon's mouth fits around him in terrifyingly perfect ways.

he knows he shouldn't let sungwoon get him too close, but it's impossible to tell him to stop when it feels like _that._ little whines keep slipping between his lips every time sungwoon sucks him down, his chest heaves when sungwoon pulls off to breathe a little better. when he dips his head again and digs his tongue into the slit of daniel's dick, he nearly cries out, accidentally bucking his hips into sungwoon's face, his dick sliding across his lips and his cheek.

sungwoon laughs softly and props himself up on his elbows, giving daniel's cock a slow once over with his hand. "maybe it's time to be done with that?" he suggests.

daniel keeps his eyes shut tight and tries to breathe. "s-sorry," he mumbles.

"nothing to be sorry about," sungwoon says. "if i didn't want your cock in my face i wouldn't put my face between your legs. not your fault i'm so good at sucking dick." he gets a nice little chuckle out of that, like it's a private joke. daniel's too out of it to come up with a response.

"i'm gonna take your underwear off," sungwoon tells him. daniel just nods, and moves his legs in accordance as sungwoon drags his boxers down them. he's left open and naked in front of him after that, but the lingering hardness in his dick is too hard to ignore -- which is good, because it means he doesn't have the mental capacity to be embarrassed right now.

the bed shifts while he's still trying to recover, and the next time he feels sungwoon touch him, he's climbing on top of his hips and sliding something soft and rigid and warm against daniel's dick -- and that's too much for him. he opens his eyes and looks down to see sungwoon fully naked now, holding their dicks together around the base.

sungwoon hums thoughtfully. "got a good inch and a half on me," he says. "maybe more. god, that's gonna feel good."

"hyung," daniel complains, quiet, a little breathless.

sungwoon glances up and laughs at him. "i got you undressed and now the only words you know are 'hyung' and 'sorry,' huh?"

daniel feels his whole face go red. "that's... i..."

"it's cute," sungwoon says, smile hanging around his lips still. "stop worrying so much. you really do turn into a baby in bed, though. normally you'd have found a thousand things to tease me about by now."

daniel takes a deep breath so he doesn't let any of that get to him too much. "... like what?" he asks.

"like how much i like sucking dick," sungwoon says. "that's a big one."

"i was... kinda distracted," daniel says.

sungwoon smirks a little. "yeah," he says. "guess so. you still up for the big event? we don't have to, but if you're willing to try... i've been thinking about this all week."

oh. well isn't that a picture -- sungwoon in the same position he's been in, jerking off in the shower, thinking about daniel touching him, fucking him.

daniel swallows down the nervous lump in his throat. "that's... that's fine," he says, quiet. "yeah. we can."

sungwoon sighs, a little dreamy. "your voice is so sexy," he says. "you know that already, but still. i've been dreaming about you calling me hyung for weeks."

"i always call you hyung," daniel protests.

"well, yeah," sungwoon says. he slides up a little and kneels over daniel's waist, rather than his hips. "but it's a little different when we're having a casual conversation than when i'm thinking about having your dick inside me."

daniel doesn't have a response to that, so he just whispers, "... oh."

"i'm gonna prep myself now," sungwoon announces, and leans over daniel toward the nightstand where he's left a box of condoms (that daniel doesn't want to know how he obtained) and a bottle of lube. he goes for the lube first, drizzling it over his fingers. a few drops scatter over daniel's skin, cold and wet and surprising. sungwoon giggles at him when he flinches.

"you... you don't want help?" daniel asks.

"i think i'd better do it myself this time," sungwoon says. "but next time we'll see. don't wanna pressure you by making you shove fingers where you're not used to this time. and you've got bigger hands than me. ugh, why is every part of you so big?"

"i'm sorry?" daniel says.

sungwoon laughs quietly and reaches behind himself with his lubed hand. the angle prevents daniel from seeing his finger disappear inside him, but he can see the easy way sungwoon's eyes fall shut, like he's done this a hundred times before. daniel's trying so hard not to look at his cock, but it's hard when it's right there, sitting full and warm but not quite completely hard yet in between his legs. he glances up hesitantly at sungwoon's face, head tipped a little to the side while he slides his finger into himself, and then reaches slowly for the lube on his stomach.

sungwoon breathes a long, low sigh when daniel wraps his hand around him. "mmm," he hums. "you have nice hands. that's good."

daniel pulls experimentally at sungwoon's cock, testing its weight, its length, its firmness. sungwoon pulls his bottom lip between his teeth, and he must slide a second finger into himself because he moans quietly a second later, while daniel's hand is completely still.

"keep going," he murmurs. "that's really good."

so daniel does, tugging at sungwoon's dick slow and even, pacing himself. he's not trying to get him off, just _up,_ and this at least is something that doesn't make him feel completely in over his head, even if the fact that it's sungwoon is still throwing him off.

sungwoon's reactions are quiet and muted, his head slowly tipping back every time daniel gives him a nice, long pull or he slides another finger inside. he's panting quietly, but he tries to hide it by biting his lip. daniel can't see his hand, but he can see the twitch of his shoulder muscles every time he presses in, so he can tell that sungwoon's timing himself with daniel's hand on his cock, and daniel can't tear his eyes away.

"fuck," sungwoon hisses eventually, and daniel's hand freezes, scared he's done something wrong even though all he's done is jerk him off, and sungwoon makes a face. "no, don't... don't stop. just been a while. fucking... not used to this many at a time."

"oh," daniel whispers. "i can't... see."

"been doing three lately," sungwoon says. "just to get used to it. not trying to be sore as hell on a plane tomorrow. but you're big, don't think three's gonna cut it if i'm trying to avoid hurting tomorrow."

"oh," daniel says, louder this time. "are you okay?"

"fine in a second," sungwoon says. "keep touching me. please."

the polite little please makes daniel laugh, soft and low, and sungwoon's lips quirk up at the corners in a tiny smile. "it's nicer when you relax," he says.

"i'm trying," daniel says. "you're just..."

sungwoon grins bigger, and opens his eyes to turn his smirk on daniel. "hot as hell?"

daniel bites his tongue. "that's part of it," he says, after a pause.

"i'll get you to tell me the rest later," sungwoon says. "move your hand, _please._ "

so daniel does, sliding his hand quicker, a little tighter, now that he's relaxed a little. sungwoon looks so open and vulnerable like this, so _trusting,_ the least daniel can do is help make him feel good. he wants to reach down and feel where his fingers are disappearing into him, but sungwoon said next time, so he just slides his other hand up sungwoon's thigh, resting carefully at his hip.

sungwoon makes a face every now and then -- daniel's not uneducated enough not to know what that is, but it's hard to process that he's actually seeing it. the longer it goes on, the more sungwoon's face twists when it happens, the more his hips kick into daniel's hand. he finally gives up and drops his mouth open a little, panting more openly, and daniel can't tear his eyes away from the shallow heave of his chest.

"oh, fuck," sungwoon says finally. he pulls his fingers out and sits back against daniel's thighs, panting hard. "i'm tired of waiting. you're right fucking here, we're doing this. get your dick in me."

"are you sure you're okay?" daniel asks. he squeezes sungwoon's hip gently, and sungwoon rests his sticky lube hand over daniel's.

"i'm fine," he says. "just impatient, and if i accidentally touch my prostate one more time while you've got your huge hands on my dick, i can't be held responsible for what happens. so please get inside me so i don't look like a complete idiot when i come."

daniel feels his face flush again, but he pulls his hand slowly away from sungwoon's dick and rests it on his other thigh. "can't do much when you're sitting on me," he points out.

"ah, fuck," sungwoon mumbles. "forgot how bad this hurts my thighs. god, how does minhyun do this? i'm still gonna hurt like hell tomorrow."

"i'll carry you," daniel says. "it'll be great. the fans will love it."

sungwoon snorts. "i'd deserve it after all the shit i've put myself through for your dick. okay, let's do this."

he sits up slowly and rolls a condom over daniel and lubes him up, before leaning forward and planting a hand on daniel's shoulder to steady himself. daniel’s scared his hands will shake if he leaves them in open air for too long, so he keeps his hands on sungwoon's hips while he reaches down to grab daniel's dick and line them up.

there's a second, a brief moment before sungwoon sinks down, where he processes, finally, that this is real. he and sungwoon have been nakedly feeling each other up and down for who knows how long, and now sungwoon's about to sink down on his cock and... the rest is all instinct, right? daniel can't fuck up this part. he knows how to move his hips. he's not a dancer for nothing.

sungwoon takes a deep breath before he starts to slide down, and it's like... nothing daniel's ever felt. the girls he slept with felt like this, but not quite -- not better, not worse, just different enough that he's incredibly aware of the fact that it's not the same. sungwoon slides down so slow, and even when daniel would like to close his eyes and revel in the feeling, he can't. he's too scared he'll miss the tiny little changes in sungwoon's face with every inch that disappears inside of him.

a little whimper slides out of sungwoon's mouth, the most vulnerable noise he's made all night. daniel wants so bad to pull him down and kiss him, but resists. "ah, _fuck,_ " sungwoon whispers, finally sliding home.

"okay?" daniel whispers back.

"need a second," sungwoon says, chest heaving unevenly with shallow pants. "fuck. oh my god. that's not like my fingers at all."

"i thought you said you'd done this before," daniel says.

"i have," sungwoon says. "but it was like... more than a year and a half ago. and it was not this big. oh my god. what the fuck. what did your mom feed you as a kid?"

daniel laughs weakly. "are you gonna be okay?"

sungwoon nods sharply. "yes. in a second. it's really fucking good, it just... stings."

"are you sure that's good?" daniel asks.

"yes," sungwoon hisses. "i swear. i just..." he grinds down a little and they both moan. the sensation hits daniel like a truck, knocking his head backwards against the pillows again. sungwoon is so fucking warm and tight and perfect, and daniel doesn't know what to do with himself.

more simultaneous moans as sungwoon moves again, this time sliding up daniel's cock just a little. daniel's fingers tighten on his hips, so desperate to kick up into the heat, but also so scared of hurting him.

"you're gonna ruin me," sungwoon mumbles. "literally nothing is ever going to feel this good again. i'm gonna spend the rest of my life trying to find something that can make me feel the way your dick does."

daniel's cheeks are on fire. "hyung--" he starts to say, but sungwoon whines and covers daniel’s mouth with one hand.

"don't say that," he says. "please. wait like five minutes and then you can say it all you want, but i refuse to get off on you calling me that when i've only had your dick in me for a _minute._ "

daniel huffs against sungwoon's fingers, debates licking them but doesn't even have time to actually think about it before sungwoon drags his hand down daniel's jaw and throat to rest over his collarbone. his eyes are still clenched tightly shut, but the line of his jaw is a little softer now.

"i can't make myself move," he says. "fuck me. please."

well. daniel can hardly say no to that.

he starts slow, just rocking his hips up so easily. sungwoon is warm and tight and yielding around him, and he lets his head fall back a little when daniel grinds into him. his nails drag lightly over daniel's skin, the smallest sting where they catch. he closes his eyes, breathing open-mouthed into the air, chest moving in long, uneven heaves. daniel squeezes his hips and rocks up again, and sungwoon whines so quietly.

"i hate fucking dancers," he mumbles, rolling his head to the side, eyes still closed. "still can't figure out how you move like that."

"isolation," daniel says. "learn which muscles move what and--"

"shhh," sungwoon says, letting his head hang and shaking it. "shhh. no work talk. just fuck me."

"i am," daniel says, rolling his hips to make a point.

"no, you're making love to me," sungwoon says, and daniel feels his heart drop to his stomach. he only prays sungwoon can't feel his pulse pick up. _imagine._ "i want you to fuck me, niel. hard."

daniel takes a deep breath, holds it, and lets it go, then adjusts his grip and jams his hips up into sungwoon's ass. sungwoon cries out softly, his whole body jolting with the movement. "like that?" daniel asks.

"harder," sungwoon says. "want you to make good on that promise to carry me at the airport."

"kinda difficult from down here," daniel says, and in one careful, smooth movement he rolls them over without pulling out. sungwoon groans when his head hits the pillow, and daniel leans over him, their hips pressed close together. he can feel sungwoon's cock twitch against his stomach.

"fuck you," sungwoon whines. "i wanted to ride you."

"you said you wanted me to fuck you," daniel says. a piece of sungwoon's hair is caught in the sweat on his forehead. he wants to reach out and push it back, but holds himself back.

sungwoon whines, long and high. "okay, whatever, fine, next time. next time i'll ride you."

"you're making a lot of promises about next time," daniel says softly.

"oh my god," sungwoon gasps, exasperated. he reaches up and grabs daniel's cheeks, pulling their faces close and whispering, "shut the fuck up," before pulling him in all the way and kissing him hard and deep and wet.

daniel has better leverage to fuck him like this, so he does, rolling his hips into sungwoon's ass hard and fast and intense. sungwoon moans into his mouth, gripping tight onto his neck. daniel fucks him as hard as he can and lets himself silently revel in the warmth that surrounds him every time he slides home, while sungwoon noisily claims his mouth. little moans tear out of him every time daniel fucks into him, peppered with the occasional gasp when he pulls away, like he's forgetting to breathe as long as they're connected.

daniel feels a little dizzy, thinking that he's doing that -- that he's the one turning sungwoon breathless, making him forget to do things his body should do for him. eventually, sungwoon gives up on the kiss, pushing daniel away so he can pant openly into the air. daniel sits up and uses the new angle to fuck him even harder, even better, and sungwoon cries out loudly, stomach tensing, thighs clenching around daniel's hips.

"fuck," he whines. "niel, there, again, please--"

daniel tries to keep his body at the exact same angel to push in again, and sungwoon moans so loud and long and high that daniel's afraid someone will hear. every movement daniel makes pulls a new cry from sungwoon's mouth, some muted and others long and desperate.

he reaches out and grabs daniel by the biceps, panting with his face twisted up in what daniel assumes (prays) is pleasure. "oh my god," he whispers. "niel. oh my god. you're perfect. please don't stop, don't slow down, oh my god--"

"is it good, hyung?" daniel murmurs, jamming his hips into him on the last word.

sungwoon keens. his face is so pink and sweaty and messy. his hair is a disaster between the sweat and the friction against the pillow. "say that again," he says, hands tightening on daniel's arms.

"hyung," daniel whispers. he leans in closer, slams himself in as hard as he can. "sungwoonie hyung," he breathes.

"niel," sungwoon moans back. "oh fuck, niellie, 'm gonna come. fuck me, niel, come on."

daniel practically lays himself on top of sungwoon, nosing at his jaw, kissing his throat. sungwoon tangles his fingers in daniel's hair and holds him there, pulling hard every time daniel thrusts in. all daniel can think of is fucking him until he loses it, until he spills himself hard enough to paint both their stomachs. his quiet, high pitched pants are better than any song daniel has ever heard.

"touch me, niel," sungwoon whispers. "c'mon, baby, i'm so close--"

daniel feels a little jolt go through him, possessive and possessed, sensual and soft, hot and cold. he kisses sungwoon's pulse, reaches between them to jerk him off tight and fast. seongwu likes it when daniel squeezes the head in a tight circle, so he does that now and sungwoon sounds like he's been kicked in the gut.

"please, niel, baby," sungwoon pants. "oh my god, fuck, keep going."

"hyung," daniel murmurs into his skin. sungwoon cries out, pulling hard on daniel's hair until daniel feels sticky and wet drip over his fingers and sungwoon's body goes lax and lazy and soft again.

"fuck, niel," sungwoon whispers, while he comes over daniel's hand. daniel keeps pulling until sungwoon twitches hard with oversensitivity and reaches down to stop him. "relax, baby," he says. "fuck. oh my god. pull out."

daniel does, though he doesn't miss the brief shudder in sungwoon's core when he slides out. sungwoon doesn't give him time to think about it, though, sitting up quickly and shoving daniel down to the bed. he sheds daniel of the condom in one smooth movement and swallows him down with the next and daniel cries out before he can think to quiet himself.

"shh," sungwoon murmurs when he pulls off. "c'mon, niel, your turn. let hyung see you come."

daniel whines as sungwoon's fingers work over him, tongue coming to play with the head and the tip and the tiny slit. "hyung--"

"that's right, niel," sungwoon whispers, kissing the side of his dick. "you were so fucking amazing, now hyung will take care of you. come on. there you go. aren't you close?

"yes," daniel whispers, pained. there are little jolts of electricity all through his stomach, his chest, his dick. he feels like he's about to explode into a billion tiny pieces in sungwoon's hands.

"say it again, niel," sungwoon says. "let me hear you."

"sungwoon hyung," daniel moans, unquestioning. "sungwoonie hyung."

"i've got you," sungwoon whispers. "hyung's got you."

"sungwoon _hyung,_ " daniel whines again, voice cracking hard, hips kicking into sungwoon's hand, and he spills over them both, panting and shivering with the force of it.

sungwoon traces a line up his cock with just one fingertip, and daniel shudders, still coming onto his stomach. "you look good like that," sungwoon murmurs. "you're so trusting. do you feel good?"

daniel nods with awkward, jerky movements. while he's recovering, panting into the air, sungwoon disappears and comes back with a wet towel to clean them both off. daniel rolls onto his side, and lets his eyes fall half closed while sungwoon cleans up, kicking their clothes into piles and tossing out the condom, stowing the lube and the rest of the box in his luggage, wrapped in a sweater. he throws on a pair of underwear and a big tshirt before climbing back onto the bed, where he sits cross-legged and smiles down at daniel.

"hi," he says.

"hi," daniel says back, quietly. sungwoon looks so... soft. cuddly. daniel wants to pull him down and in and close, where he can hold him tight enough to feel his heartbeat, where he can kiss the side of his neck, where he's still got hair sticking from the sweat.

"next time," sungwoon says, "i really am gonna ride you. and you're gonna come first."

daniel stares at him for a second, and then bursts into quiet giggles. "okay," he says. "whatever you say, hyung."

they both giggle over that, and daniel hasn't felt this peaceful in months.

* * *

he wakes up in a big, warm, soft bed -- but he's hanging halfway off the edge, a knee and an arm thrown haphazardly into the air, ready to weigh him down and knock him off at any second. he throws himself back in the other direction, sniffling and rubbing his eyes. there's the sound of soft conversation from the doorway, and for half a second he fears the worst (lateness or a break-in, either is pretty terrible), until he hears stilted, broken japanese in sungwoon's voice, and all his memory comes back at once.

the door closes, and sungwoon comes into view pulling an absolutely unnecessarily large cart behind him, covered in trays and wafting muted scents of food into the room. "oh," he says. "did i wake you up?"

daniel shakes his head and rubs his eyes again. "no," he says, voice croaking out.

sungwoon sits on the edge of the bed and pats his foot through the sheets. "been a while since we shared a room," he says. "forgot how wild of a sleeper you are."

daniel blushes -- it's too fucking early for this. "sorry," he rasps. his voice is shot -- he doesn't remember being that loud last night, but he sure as hell sounds now like he was moaning and whining for however long that lasted.

"it's okay," sungwoon says, easy going and gentle. "you didn't kick me, so we'll call it a win. are you hungry? i got breakfast."

daniel rolls onto his other side, clears his throat. "are we... allowed to be getting room service?"

"it's on my card," sungwoon says. "thought i'd pay you back."

"for what?" daniel mumbles.

"for fucking me hard enough that it hurt when i got out of bed to pee earlier," sungwoon says. "sorry if it... got a little weird at the end there. i didn't think that was such a big thing for me."

daniel shakes his head quickly. "it was fine," he says, softly. he's not really prepared to be having this conversation right now. he hadn't really imagined that they'd be so openly discussing it. he hadn't even meant to fall asleep here -- they'd just gotten to talking, quietly, afterwards, and they'd both been so sleepy. he remembers sungwoon laughing at his mussed hair and apologizing, fixing it carefully and giggling at the expression on daniel's face.

sungwoon starts unwrapping and opening all the various dishes he ordered, sending more smells drifting through the room. daniel closes his eyes, still half asleep, and tries to process what's going on. it's all... so domestic. for them. he'd imagine this is what it's like when he and minhyun do this, so comfortable and used to each other's presence. but the quiet talks and half asleep giggling in the middle of the night, daniel sleeping over without even meaning to, sungwoon buying him breakfast and lounging around him in a bathrobe -- daniel can't help but think it fits sungwoon and minhyun so much better than it fits them.

and yet. he's so comfortable and at ease. he has no idea how long he slept, but it feels like a full night. sungwoon props an ankle on the other leg and his robe falls back to show off bare thigh, smooth and unmarked. daniel abruptly remembers sucking a hickey into his stomach and feels his face burst into hot flame. that'll be fun to explain in the dressing room.

"what time is it?" he asks eventually.

sungwoon glances back over his shoulder, smiling sadly. "four am," he says.

daniel groans and shoves his face into the pillow. so that's... two hours of sleep? maybe less? and the van and plane rides won't even be long enough to really catch up on that. they'll probably have rehearsals for the next show as soon as they land, and barely enough time to get home and attempt to catch a proper rest before they have to be back up and ready to go again.

"sorry," sungwoon says, though his voice doesn't sound very apologetic at all. "i probably shouldn't have kept you up talking. or i could have just picked a less busy night for this. just got... impatient."

and they're running out of time, he doesn't say. there's only so long before little meetups like this will be so much harder -- nearly impossible. they're gifted with convenience right now. that won't last forever.

"it's okay," daniel says, trying to push all that from his mind. "it was... it was good."

"good," sungwoon scoffs. "can't remember the last time i got fucked like that."

"hyung," daniel whines. "it's too early. i'm not ready to joke about this."

"gotta joke about it to keep it light, niel," sungwoon says, then pauses, sticks his tongue out the corner of his mouth a little and bites it thoughtfully. "maybe you should avoid calling me that for a little."

there's... a lot going on there. a lot of words and phrases and concepts that daniel doesn't really know how to unpack. the most obvious is sungwoon's blatant kink, which he's not even trying to hide anymore. he said he'd never been that affected by it before -- but minhyun's younger than him, too. maybe because the age difference is smaller? or maybe, whispers the traitorous part of his brain, daniel is special. daniel means something else, so when he says it, it doesn't sound the same.

but that's obviously not the answer, because he said _keep it light._ meaning that he's not trying to be serious. meaning that this isn't serious. meaning that this is just sex for fun, and the kissing and the soft touches and the quiet promises and the way sungwoon held him and took care of him and -- all of it. none of it is serious.

daniel doesn't like the way his stomach sinks at that. he doesn't like the uneasy feeling that settles in his chest. it should be obvious, that sungwoon doesn’t feel that way. of course he doesn’t. daniel shouldn’t expect that. and there's more emotion and thoughts there to unpack, but he doesn't have time right now to think it over. "gonna have a hard time explaining that to everyone else," he says, quiet. he can't quite keep his disappointment (disappointment? no. he needs to relax. it's not that serious) out of his voice.

sungwoon makes a face. "okay, well... until we have to leave, then. you can drop it for now."

that feels weird. that feels very weird. daniel doesn't know if it's a good weird or a bad weird or just... weird, but it's probably the weirdest part of all of this. but he pushes it to the side, takes a deep breath, and says, "hey, ha sungwoon, make me a plate. i'm hungry."

sungwoon stares at him for a moment, then chokes out that high pitched giggle and shakes his head. the plate he finally passes is heaping with food -- probably too much, really, to be eating at this hour of the day, but the exertion of earlier is starting to catch up with him, so daniel doesn't really care.

they sit companionably -- close, comfortable, but daniel tries to stay cautious. it's hard. daniel has to sit up to eat and sungwoon leans against him, head on daniel's shoulder. he makes quiet little noises as he eats, and daniel wants so bad to wrap an arm around his waist and pull him close, nuzzle against the top of his head, but he knows better. keep it light. keep it _friendly._ daniel's not going to be weird. sure, they fucked, and that's not exactly normal -- but as long as daniel stays _friendly,_ it doesn't have to be weird, either.

eventually, they have to get up and get ready, which means daniel has to go back to his room. sungwoon gives him a smack on the ass when he leaves, and a cheeky little smile. "keep your phone on," he says, as if they're going to have any sort of free time for this any time soon. daniel doesn't argue, though.

back in his room, he sits down heavily on the bed and wonders if all of that was even real. sitting here in his pajamas, he could almost believe he really spent the whole night here, looking at pictures of cats or playing games instead of sleeping. sungwoon's messages, the light ache in his muscles, the breakfast that came seemingly from nowhere can all be explained so easily. no one will even ask -- he doesn't even have to lie.

but he also... doesn't want to. he doesn't want things to go back to normal. he doesn't want to walk outside and have to pretend this never happened. he wants to tell people -- not that they fucked, exactly, but... he wants to be able to tell seongwu that he spent the night with sungwoon, and he wants seongwu to elbow him and tease him for being sappy and then... be happy for him.

but he can't. and he knows he can't. the problem is that he wants to anyways. his brain is smart enough to tell him off, but he can't help how bad it burns inside him. he wants to run back to sungwoon's room and kiss him silly, he wants to walk out of the hotel holding hands, wants to wrap an arm around his shoulders and snuggle him close in front of the cameras watching them before they pass through security -- and maybe kiss him again for the ones bold enough to keep following.

he groans out loud, and reaches up to dig the heels of his palms into his eyes. he's losing it. he knows better -- knows he can't do any of that, knows he shouldn't even be thinking about it. but god, the look on sungwoon's face when daniel rocked into him, the laugh when daniel teased him this morning, the half delirious discussion they had last night that daniel doesn't even remember, they're all dancing on the backs of his eyelids.

he's in so deep. this is bad. this is terrible, actually, except that his stupid, romantic, naive heart is trying to tell him that it isn't. it's okay, because sungwoon kissed him first. it's okay, because sungwoon said _making love._ it's okay, because he said _i'll take care of you,_ because he said _hyung's got you._ and that means something, right? and if it doesn't, then the shared bed, the breakfast this morning that he paid for himself... then _that_ has to mean something.

all of sungwoon’s little pauses, his hesitations, the moments where he seems to stop and _think,_ that has to mean something. he wouldn’t hesitate if it was just sex. he wouldn’t hesitate over something he’s done with minhyun who knows how many times. so this has to be different, right?

he’s overanalyzing, probably. he forces himself to get ready in a daze, accidentally washes his face twice before he realizes how out of it he is. he stumbles downstairs with his luggage and meets the others in the lobby. minhyun is there, of course, looking frustrated as always with them all running late. jisung is there, too, and jihoon and woojin, who are both passed out in a chair, probably up all night doing stupid stuff as well. probably not as stupid as daniel. probably not falling for someone they can't have.

sungwoon is one of the last few to straggle down to the lobby -- uncharacteristic of him given that he's got minhyun bugging him to wake up, hurry up, get up almost every morning. daniel almost doesn't let himself look at him, but he feels so intensely drawn to his tiny hyung that he can't help it. sungwoon's got a baseball cap pulled low over his face and a massive hoodie zipped up all the way, neck pillow already locked in place. he looks exhausted, drawn, and about to pass out any second, but when their eyes lock, he gives daniel the tiniest smile, and daniel feels like he can't breathe. he looks away as fast as he can.

he has every intention of avoiding sungwoon in the van to the airport as well, except that he climbs in after daniel and plops down in the seat directly next to him, immediately pulling off his hat and turning daniel's shoulder into a pillow, despite the neck pillow he's already got.

"niel," he says sleepily, while daehwi and jinyoung climb in after them, already bickering about something.

"mm?" daniel asks quietly, warily.

"my muscles are all sore," sungwoon says. daniel's stomach flip flops, and he can't help a quick, anxious glance back towards the backseat. "you said you'd carry me. don't break your promises."

"hy--" daniel cuts himself off. he can feel his face heating up already. he's always been terrible at hiding his emotions, why did he think this was going to work out well? "are you sure?" he whispers, voice low. daehwi screeches in the back, probably over some passive aggressive comment jinyoung's made.

"yes, i'm sure," sungwoon huffs. he cuddles closer, and for a second daniel's lungs contract so hard he can't breathe. "i'm in pain. don't make your poor hyung injure himself even more."

daniel swallows back a hundred different things he wants to say, and instead just says, "you're... you're injured?"

"must've pulled a muscle onstage yesterday," sungwoon says. "nothing a massage and some stretching won't fix." his eyes are closed. he looks so comfy and content and satisfied with himself. daniel wants to slide an arm around his shoulders -- he already knows they'd fit perfectly together, both of them just the right width to fit each other.

daniel's brain flicks through a half dozen responses in less than a second, but it feels like a year. everything about this morning has made him feel like he's slogging through swamp, through molasses, through fog so dense he can't breathe without it clogging and clinging to his insides. quietly, he says, "okay, hyung."

sungwoon glances up at him and smiles -- except it's not a smile. it's a smirk, playful and flirty and without a single trace of the anxiety daniel feels right now. he has no reason to be anxious. no one's going to figure out what they were doing last night because sungwoon's a little sore and daniel decides to piggyback him around the airport. he wasn't lying when he said the fans would get a kick out of it. the pictures will probably trend for an hour or so, someone will ask about it at the next fansign, and everyone will move on to the next big event. so he has no reason to be anxious.

except that he also has _every_ reason to be anxious. nothing makes sense. he can't tell what sungwoon wants, whether he's trying to keep this light and flirty but friendly, or if he knows the kinds of things that have kept daniel up late at night recently, and if he's teasing and poking and prodding at that because he wants daniel to make a move again.

daniel likes to think he's a people person, but he has absolutely no idea how to handle ha sungwoon. every little thing he throws at him lately only confuses daniel more and more. daniel has to figure this out -- figure out what sungwoon wants, what daniel wants, what's safe and what's smart and what's just too hard to pretend isn't real -- and he needs to do it fast, if he doesn't want to end up cornered by sungwoon again, asking him to make up his mind one way or the other. or, more likely, daniel's reading too much into this and he needs to step back and calm down before he ruins all of it.

the moment passes. sungwoon looks down and closes his eyes again and naps the whole ride to the airport. daniel tries not to let his back get too stiff with the anxiety -- he kept sungwoon up late enough last night. he doesn't need to steal more of his sleep.

the screams start up as soon as they pull up to the airport and the van doors roll open. they let daehwi and jinyoung and the others in the back climb out first, and then sungwoon gives him a pat on the leg and mumbles, "you go first, i'm not walking."

and really, a few months ago maybe daniel could have laughed at this. but right now he just feels like sitting there and staring at him until he figures him out. except he doesn't have that kind of time, and he doesn't think he has the brain capacity to understand it even if he tried.

so he takes a deep breath and steels himself -- shakes his head and plasters on the smile that his mom used to frown at, the one that made her ask, "what have you gotten into now?"

he climbs down from the van and keeps smiling, waves cheerfully at the fans gathered to see them off until a weight settles around his neck -- sungwoon's arms wrapped comfortably around him. he reaches back automatically to slide his hands under his knees and lifts effortlessly. sungwoon settles onto his back like he belongs there, and daniel can't decide if he hates or loves how comfortable it is.

there are a few gasps in the crowd, followed by a few screams, but so many of the fans are already distracted by the others, gathered close to the managers near the doors. sungwoon shifts his shoulders for a better grip, and daniel squeezes his legs, a promise that he's got him, that he doesn't need to worry.

daniel marches off to join the others. he just wishes it didn't feel like he's marching off to war.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer #1 (cont): there is a lot of discussion of homophobia in the idol industry here, along with some minor internalized stuff, and one person makes some remarks that are interpreted by others as homophobic. 
> 
> i'm not really active on [twitter](https://twitter.com/kdbf31) anymore, but you're free to talk to me there or at [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/kdbf31).


	2. stay with the sparks

it feels like days before they're back in the dorms, and even then there's barely a moment to spare. practices are short and rushed and awkward -- they're building up to the end now, and it gets harder and harder to ignore that reality every day.

nearly a week after his night with sungwoon, daniel walks into their room to find seongwu sitting on the bottom bunk, picking at his nails and frowning. daniel towels his hair slowly, studying seongwu out of the corner of his eye while he dresses, but the other makes no move to stand or move to his own bunk. daniel slips and slams a drawer shut a little harder than he meant to, and seongwu jumps and knocks his head against the bed frame, wincing and glaring at the offending furniture.

"are you okay?" daniel asks. they're all tired, he knows, but seongwu isn't normally one for these kinds of moments. he's a little too extroverted to sit around staring into space and frowning about his life. usually, if he's upset, he'll leave to seek out minhyun or sungwoon or someone else who'll go out and entertain him. which only makes daniel worry more, right now.

"you scared me," seongwu grumbles. "when did you come in?"

"like... five minutes ago," daniel says. he tosses his wet towel in a corner, too lazy to pick up after himself right now. "what's wrong?"

"nothing's wrong," seongwu says. "just tired. thinking. it's been a long day."

so which is it? "okay," daniel says. "i guess if you wanna talk, though... you know. i'm here."

seongwu nods and goes back to studying his hands for a second, ignoring the fact that he's still sitting on daniel's bed, and then he gives up and drops his hands into his lap and _sighs_ and says, "i think we should stop... you know. the extra stuff."

that's... something daniel's been meaning to get around to, actually. he’s been unsure how to go about bringing it up, how to explain it away, but this is a convenient out. "oh," he says. "um. yeah. if you don't want to anymore."

"it's not that," seongwu says. he crosses his arms, looks down at the floor. "i mean... ugh. this is fun, right? we've just been doing it for stress relief. just to chill."

and because daniel has unhealthy fascinations with the way men look when they come and the hundreds of little subtleties to a handjob, but sure. "yeah?" he says cautiously.

"yeah," seongwu echoes. "okay. well. fuck."

that sets off little alarms in the back of daniel's mind. "hyung?" he says. "is that... did i read that wrong?"

"no, that's not--" seongwu huffs, and now he's glaring at the floor, at the same mark daniel stared at (what feels like months ago) when sungwoon came to talk. "no. i... no. i just think... there might be someone else."

daniel freezes. that could mean anything. he can't give himself away, not yet. he has to be careful. not that seongwu would judge, but... the fewer people know, the better, right? "what makes you think that?" he asks, softly.

seongwu bites the inside of his cheek, brooding. "i mean, it's hard to ignore, right? once it starts. i just... i was thinking about it, the other day, and suddenly it's like... you can't miss it. once someone points it out to you."

they haven't been that obvious, have they? how many people know? was it the stupid piggyback? that was just a _joke._ maybe sungwoon told minhyun? but even then, it's just sex. just like he's had with seongwu, except less... friendly. no one knows about daniel's stupid feelings. unless-- that day he called his mom, except he was so _careful,_ no one can possibly know, this can't be happening--

"i just can't stop thinking about..." seongwu looks like he wants to continue, then stops himself. "it doesn't matter. either way, we should probably stop. i don't... i don't even think anything will come of it, but i'd rather not chance dragging you into the drama if something does."

wait. what?

"huh?" daniel says.

"i doubt i'd have the guts to bring it up," seongwu says. "it's... a weird situation. with this person. if i tell... if i try to explain my feelings, it'd make things... really difficult. and i'd just rather... i don't know. we were gonna have to call this off eventually anyway. it's just better to do it now than wait until something else comes along and complicates it either way."

_what?_ daniel stares at him for a few long seconds. "i don't get it."

seongwu huffs and uncrosses his arms and glares. "i have feelings. for someone. i think. i don't know. it doesn't matter! the point is if you and i keep doing this, and something happens with me and... them, then it's only gonna make things complicated with us or with them or... in general. and i don't want that for any of us, so it's just better to stop now."

"oh," daniel says. "i... um. okay. yeah. that's... that's fine."

"sorry," seongwu says. "i don't... i don't know why i'm apologizing. obviously you don't care. i just... wanted to clear things up. while i'm thinking about it."

"it's fine, hyung," daniel says softly. he finally sits down on the bed, keeping a careful distance between them. "i get it. really. you don't need to explain it to me."

"i know," seongwu says, and bites his lip in thought for a second. "have you liked anyone? this whole time, i mean. since we stopped being... you know. nobody."

daniel could almost cry with relief -- he was so... terrified. certain. but somehow, he's safe. "um," he says, unsure how much to reveal. "i... i don't know. maybe. it's... i mean. who's got time, right?"

the corner of seongwu's mouth twitches in a tiny smile. "yeah," he says. "not like our schedules line up with anyone but each other."

daniel nods. "yeah. so... i don't know. we meet so many people, but... not for long enough to get to know them, really."

"yeah," seongwu says. his voice is so quiet, fading almost to nothing. "yeah. feels like the only people we really know anymore are each other, huh."

fuck. daniel's trying to reassure him and divert him at the same time, but this clearly isn't working. "um," he says. "i mean... i'm sure it's not like that with you and... whoever. she... uh. this person must be special, right? if you've found enough time to really get to know them."

seongwu rubs his hands together slowly, seemingly more just for something to do with them than any real need. "yeah," he says. "they are."

"so..." daniel hesitates. he's no good with this kind of advice. fans ask him stuff like this all the time, and he has generic, cheesy answers to throw back at them, but this isn't a fan trying to disguise a crush on him as a cutesy post it. he needs to say the right thing here. "i don't know, hyung. it'll work out, one way or the other. if you care about each other. you'll find a way. or it... you know. you won't figure out how to be _together_ but... friends is still a thing, right? and that matters more than the other stuff. if, um. if you care about each other."

seongwu takes a deep breath in through his nose, and lets it out in a quiet, gentle sigh. "yeah," he says. "you're probably right. better to be friends than nothing at all."

daniel nods enthusiastically. "yeah, exactly!"

seongwu sighs again, this time huffier, more frustrated. "i'm just... sometimes you've gotta do stupid shit, right? sometimes you have to stop waiting around for things to happen and say something. that's... that's what my brain keeps telling me. that if i don't try i'll never know how it could turn out. and that's the kind of thinking that got me here in the first place, right? it's worked out before. sitting around and waiting wasn't gonna get me on produce. it wasn't gonna get me enough attention to debut. and it's not... gonna fix this, either."

daniel's stomach settles uneasily. he looks down, tries not to think about sungwoon. seongwu's right -- they didn't get this far by doing nothing and hoping good things would come. but is this really the same? is taking that risk, knowing what it could do to them, to their careers, to their reputations, to their futures, worth the reward? knowing that they'll have to watch their backs constantly, hoping no one peeks through a window, no one follows them from just enough distance not to be noticed -- can they justify all that fear?

"i don't know, hyung," he mumbles. "i guess... if you're thinking about it that seriously, it's something you've gotta decide for yourself. i can't tell you what's best for you."

"yeah," seongwu sighs. "i know. sorry. i didn't mean to unload all that, i just... i've been thinking about this for a while. it's distracting. i don't wanna screw things up, for anyone. it's not just... it's so much more complicated, with everything going on for us right now and everything that may or may not happen next year and not knowing how much things are gonna change. i'm glad i'm here but sometimes i just wish..."

that things were normal, daniel thinks. that the repercussions weren't so life threatening. that he wasn't risking the money he sends home to his mom every month, the savings he's built so carefully over the last year, the stability that he hasn't felt since he was a child, too young to understand finances or dirty looks. sometimes he wishes he could just _say_ things, and he could look and be looked at and and feel and be felt _for_ and the worst thing that could happen is he gets his feelings hurt.

but it's not that simple. he gave up that life when he signed his first contract, when he signed the contract with mnet, when he signed the contract that's sustained him for the last year and a half. he's passed up the opportunity for normalcy so many times now that asking for it back wouldn't make sense. so if things are going to happen, he-- they have to learn to make it work, within the new set of rules that's been handed to them. and that's just how it has to be.

"yeah," he says. "i know. me too."

seongwu sighs again and slowly stands up, shoving his hands in his pockets. "sorry," he says. "didn't mean to bring the mood down. i wasn't even gonna tell you, i just... got worked up, i guess. i know you know this, but. don't tell anyone, yeah? i don't want it getting back to... um. anyone."

"i know," daniel says. "don't worry, hyung."

seongwu smiles, reaches out and ruffles daniel's hair, a rare gesture from him. "you're a good guy, niel," he says. "hope whoever got you thinking all that stuff knows what they've got on the hook."

daniel flushes. "if there ever is someone, i'll let them know you said that," he mumbles.

"uh huh," seongwu says. "there's _someone._ or there was, at some point. either way. like you told me, you've gotta decide for yourself, right?"

if only it was that simple.

* * *

so here's the problem: daniel can't deny he has feelings for sungwoon. he can't pretend he doesn't think about him romantically. he can't act like it's just a basic, sexual attraction that he feels. and he can't say that their little adventure hasn't made things dramatically worse.

daniel catches himself daydreaming even more frequently. when sungwoon stands near him, sits near him, cuddles up next to him, daniel's heart _hurts._ it's starting to be a physical pain, the heartache, and they've never been uncomfortable with each other, but sungwoon seems to be taking their little adventure as an excuse to put himself even closer to daniel than usual. and it's starting to take a real toll.

he's not gonna cry about it, but he can't pretend it doesn't hurt, either. he has this man so close to him, all the time. he listens to him laugh (feels him laugh, feels his body rock into him with the force of it, because of course he's sitting in daniel's lap when it happens), he watches him smile, he holds him and is held by him, he shares quiet words of encouragement and feeling and emotion with him, but the one thing he wants is always just out of reach, just the other side of absolutely unacceptable. and it fucking _hurts._

and to top things off, seongwu's right. they're running out of time. they don't talk about contract extensions, about who signed what or who has what prospects for next year. they all know where they're headed, and it's coming soon. there's no avoiding it. the knowledge sits heavy on daniel's mind at all times, whether he's thinking about sungwoon or not. there are little reminders everywhere they look, even though they won't say the words aloud, and even if it's not directly related to this thing with sungwoon, even if he's not the reason daniel thinks about it so much, he can't deny that it makes it significantly more complicated.

the problem is that if he's going to say something, he needs to do it now, and if he's not, then he needs to get over it fast, so it hurts less when things come to an end. time has never been their ally, but in this case it's even more difficult, because now he really has no choice but to make up his mind.

it's just that... there is no right answer. there is no _good_ answer. bringing it up of course carries with it the fear of rejection. never mind that sungwoon has been so soft and romantic and playful, because daniel's read him wrong before, and it wouldn’t be that surprising to be shot down. and worse than that, it means exposing a part of himself he hasn't let anyone see but his own mother. it means telling someone about this thing he's worked so hard to bury, it means speaking it out loud when he's never been brave enough to do that before, and the reaction could be so much worse than just a plain "sorry, i don't feel that way."

and yet, seongwu's conviction keeps echoing through his head. he's never gotten anywhere by giving up. he's never let fear stop him from _trying._ and look how far it's gotten him, look how many of his dreams he's achieved in just one year, just by taking a leap of faith, by looking the canyon below directly in the eyes and jumping anyway. sungwoon makes him so happy. he makes him feel warm and loved and giggly. he cares about him, whether daniel's reading it right or not. at worst, he's a friend daniel can trust for the rest of his life. at best, he could be... everything.

and no, there's no way of knowing how it'll turn out. that's the scary part, right? but is daniel going to let that hold him back? maybe he isn't reading things wrong. maybe those moments where sungwoon falls quiet, the way he crams himself close to daniel any chance he gets, the gentleness with which he took care of daniel -- maybe daniel's not just seeing what he wants to see. there's a _chance,_ right? there's always a chance.

at least, there's a chance right now. not for much longer. so if daniel's gonna do this... he has to do it now.

the problem is just... getting him alone, and getting him alone somewhere that they can actually talk. december is such a hectic, wild, difficult month. there's never enough time for anything, always another schedule, another practice, another two hours of sleep to grab in the little spaces that are available to them. daniel has to take his chances as soon as possible -- he can't risk passing up any opportunity, not when he doesn't know if it'll be the last.

except that minhyun's the one who opens the door, so there goes that plan.

all of daniel's nervous tension fades away, dying like a candle blown out, and suddenly he just feels... exhausted. "hi, hyung," he says.

"niel!" minhyun smiles at him, looking a little like a cat just startled awake. that just makes daniel feel even worse, knowing that he woke him. "did you need something?"

"um," daniel says. "is sungwoon hyung here?"

minhyun shakes his head. "he went out with jisungie hyung and seongwu, i think? is everything okay?"

"fine," daniel says. he tries so hard not to sound disappointed. don't be an asshole. don't be obvious. just act _normal._ "sorry for bothering you."

minhyun studies him for a second, tipping his head to the side, catlike. "why don't you come in, niellie? you look tired."

daniel shakes his head. "i'm okay, hyung. thank you, though. i should get back to my room."

"don't be silly," minhyun says. he grabs daniel by the wrist and pulls him through the door and towards the bed. "come talk to hyung. you look upset."

"i'm not," daniel protests, even though he's sure it's showing. of course it is. god knows he can't hide an emotion to save his life.

"yes, you are," minhyun says. he lies down and opens his arms for daniel to come close -- he's so _clingy,_ not that daniel's ever complained. minhyun is like a big, warm, soft blanket, always ready to listen, as long as you come with a promise to listen to whatever's bothering _him_ afterwards (because there's always something).

daniel lies down slowly. there's no point resisting now, he supposes. he can make something up easily enough. there's plenty on his mind besides sungwoon, after all. rumors online about who signed contract extensions, last minute special performances that they're all struggling to learn and keep up with, hurried practices for the final concerts, the fact he hasn't had time to call his mom in weeks, how bad he misses his cats, how scared he is of what next year will hold. he'll just let minhyun pick a direction for the conversation and let him make the assumptions he makes, and hopefully it'll end quick enough for them both to sneak a nap.

minhyun pulls him close, petting his hair. at least, if nothing else, this is incredibly comfortable, and his soft, deep speaking voice is so warm and gentle. "is this about you and sungwoonie hyung in japan?"

daniel's eyes, already half lidded, fly open. his heart stops. his breath catches. his shoulders tense and for a second, he's ready to push minhyun away hard enough to hurt. "w-what?" he whispers.

"oh, relax," minhyun says. "i assume he told you about us already. i messaged him that night to see if he wanted to do anything and he didn't answer for _hours,_ and then all he had to say was oh, minhyunnie, sorry, i was with daniel. hmph. like i couldn't figure that out, especially with him clinging to you all day."

"oh," daniel whispers. right. of course sungwoon would tell minhyun -- or, well. of course he wouldn't care if he knew. because it's all just sexual, right? nothing he wasn't already doing with minhyun. there's nothing to keep secret when it's nothing _new._

"don't stress yourself out over it, niellie," minhyun says. he runs a hand down daniel's back, gentle fingers skimming daniel's muscles. "sungwoonie hyung is... i think it comes from always wanting things and being told you're not enough. now that he can have whatever he wants, basically, he doesn't know how to restrain himself. he did the same thing when he and i first started doing things, acting like we were together or something. i think he just got overexcited. don't let it worry you."

that doesn't help. that doesn't help at _all._ daniel's tried so hard not to be jealous of minhyun, not when he _knows_ there's nothing between him and sungwoon. they're friends. they're _good_ friends. but so are daniel and sungwoon, so are daniel and minhyun. but it's so hard when all he can think about is how badly he wants sungwoon to reciprocate what he feels right now. hearing that he acted the _exact same way_ with minhyun probably more than a year ago doesn't make him feel any better. at all.

"that's not..." he clears his throat. there's too much emotion clogged there, leaking into his voice. "that's not the problem. it's... don't worry, hyung."

"i can't _not_ worry," minhyun says. "you're two of my closest friends. i don't want you stressed out at each other right now. we should all be focused on ending things happily and peacefully. i told him he shouldn't play around with you, but he said you kept playing _back,_ and he's impossible to argue with sometimes."

daniel stamps down on the part of his brain that tries to say " _of course minhyun wouldn't want..._ " and takes a deep, shaky breath. "i'm not upset with him," he says out loud. "really, hyung. i just wanted to talk. like you said, we... we're so close to the end. i don't... i just wanted to talk like... terms. i guess. you know?"

god, it's so hard to lie to minhyun. he's just such a comforting presence. he always listens to daniel, always reassures him and calms him and helps him back up. lying to him now feels so wrong.

"mmm," minhyun hums, quiet and low. "just be careful, niel. not of him. he wouldn't hurt you, not on purpose. i just don't want either of you to get attached to something that can't realistically last."

right. of course it can't last. not with january so close. "it's just..." daniel trails off, unable to bring himself to say the word _sex_ out loud, even at a whisper. he can't lie to minhyun when he's trying so hard to help. "it's just for fun," he says finally, awkwardly.

minhyun sighs. "of course it is, niel. i just... you haven't been doing this as long as i have. neither has he, for that matter. i've seen enough people start off with _just for fun_ and end in... awkward tension. people getting hurt. these things don't last. i let myself indulge with him because i knew it would end eventually, and because he and i discussed that for a long time before we agreed to try. we knew it wouldn't go on forever, and that was fine. that's what we wanted. i'm scared that if you two try to start something now then it'll turn into a commitment, and that always ends with people getting... confused."

daniel feels like he can't breathe. "i... i don't know what you mean," he whispers. he can't get his voice to go any louder than that.

"i mean feelings, niel," minhyun murmurs. "something more than just messing around. don't act so surprised, you're not dumb enough not to know that it happens. people get attached, and then the tension of this job or the fear of getting caught makes you stop, and someone gets upset. i just don't want that to happen to either of you. you're already such good friends, it would be so easy to get... confused. tangled up. i don't want you to get hurt."

confused. is that what he is? is he just mixing sexual attraction and friendship and somehow pulling romance out of it? maybe minhyun's not wrong. maybe daniel has no clue what he wants or what he's doing.

or... minhyun's just worried, and daniel _knows_ what he feels, and he feels like he's going to explode with it every time sungwoon comes near. maybe minhyun's just worried, and daniel still has to give it a shot, whether it ends in disaster or not.

"i don't think he'd hurt me, hyung," daniel says softly. it's not an admission. it's not a _confession._ but it's pretty damn close.

"not on purpose," minhyun says. "but you might hurt each other on accident. that's enough to scare me."

daniel goes silent, just letting minhyun's words swirl around his head. he means well. he's trying to help. he's trying to give advice based off experience and things he's seen, so that he can help two people avoid getting hurt. he's just trying to be a friend.

but daniel's in love, he finally admits to himself, so he's not sure that he cares.

he takes a deep breath, his chest against minhyun's. "i'm not gonna do anything stupid, hyung," he says. it's not _really_ a lie. he has no idea if this is going to turn out well or not. it's the chance, that tiny little sliver of possibility that this could end well -- that's what he's banking on.

minhyun sighs, pets his hair. "just be safe," he murmurs. "neither of you deserve to have bad things come of this."

"we'll be careful," he promises. whether he keeps that promise... well. they'll see soon enough.

* * *

but now he's back at square one -- needing to get sungwoon along long enough to talk. there's no opportunity for an overseas hotel now, which means it's a matter of finding time where they aren't all packed into the same room. he's scared to do it in the dorm, with so many nearby ears and the constant possibility that seongwu or minhyun or both might return from whatever distraction daniel manages to invent, but it's not like any of their public schedules are much safer. they're not going to have this conversation in a dressing room or another public restroom.

and text isn't much of an option either. there's always that little bit of paranoia that somehow something will get leaked or discovered or... something. besides, a conversation like this, with so much weight, needs to be held in person. the problem is that they have no _privacy._ there's always a manager or staff or a fan or another member nearby, and daniel's not risking this getting out to _any_ of those people.

when the idea finally comes to him, he almost wants to die of embarrassment. it's a terrible idea, and probably not the ideal situation to be having a conversation about _feelings,_ but it's the only way he can think of to keep out listening ears and nosy gossips. it's private, and it's loud enough to block out noise, and daniel has plenty of experience with hiding secrets here.

still. he has to hold his breath when he sends the message. he's sitting there, head in his hands, praying that no one will need to get in here any time soon. he can't risk it being taken by someone else when he _needs_ it right now.

>> sungwoon hyung: it's probably not a good idea to do anything in the dorms...

he bites the inside of his cheek and sighs, frustrated. there has to be a better way to do this. he's done this before, hasn't he? he remembers being this flustered, but he doesn't remember being this desperate.

<< you: no one will hear anything  
>> sungwoon hyung: i guess...  
>> sungwoon hyung: you don't think it'll be suspicious?  
<< you: the water pressure's better down here anyway, right?  
<< you: hyung :(

it's a low blow, probably, but... he can't put it off. this might be their only chance. he needs to do it now, while he has the nerve, while they have the _time,_ before everything falls apart and the opportunity passes by.

>> sungwoon hyung: ...  
>> sungwoon hyung: you play dirty, niel  
>> sungwoon hyung: warm up the water for me

daniel pumps his fist in the air, bites his lip so he won't make a sound, and quickly turns on the water. the room is well steamed by the time there comes a knock on the door. he jumps up so fast he nearly trips, and when he pulls the door open sungwoon pushes through the second he can, slamming it shut behind him.

"hi," daniel breathes. sungwoon's standing in between him and the door, back pressed against the wood, staring up at him. he's barefaced, wearing a big tshirt and an old pair of pajama bottoms and the big circle glasses that make him look older. he looks soft and cuddly and daniel is suddenly very aware of the space between them.

"hi yourself," sungwoon murmurs. he puts his hands on daniel's waist, pulling him close. "this wasn't a bad idea, you know that? just gotta be careful. you ever had shower sex before?"

daniel shakes his head, too dizzy to remember that he didn't actually call sungwoon here to have sex.

sungwoon laughs softly, and reaches down to squeeze daniel's ass. "well, we'll just keep it simple, then. but first, c'mere and kiss me."

daniel can't resist those words, no matter what his intentions were in bringing sungwoon here. he dips his head quickly, pressing his lips to sungwoon's, and it's like all the tension of the last few days fades out of him completely. he feels safe, happy, in love. everything is better with sungwoon here, for real, not just the idea of him and daniel's fears.

sungwoon kisses him hard and deep, shifting his hips ever so slightly and dropping one of his hands even lower to pull daniel's leg between his. he grinds against daniel's thigh slow and heavy while they kiss, and daniel lets him, content to do whatever will make him happy as long as they're together.

they break apart mutually, sungwoon looking down as he grinds hard against daniel's leg. "why is it," he murmurs, just below the rush of the water behind them, "every time i get my hands on you, i suddenly turn into some kind of animal?"

daniel's face heats. "i... i don't know," he says. "i'm sorry?"

sungwoon snorts. "don't apologize," he says. "i'm pretty sure it's just because you're hot as hell and you kiss like you actually know what you're doing. that's not a problem at all."

daniel takes a deep breath. "hyung, i..." he whispers.

"shh," sungwoon says, putting a finger over his lips. "don't start that now. okay, so here's the thing. shower sex is stupid and overrated and actually really dangerous, and neither of us can risk the injury. it's smart because we won't be making a mess, but we're kind of restricted to handjobs, unless you had something else in mind? and then we can try to figure that out instead."

daniel's mind blanks suddenly. this would be the perfect opportunity to divert him, to get this back on the subject he actually brought him here to talk about, but he panics. he's not ready, not yet, he just needs a little more time, and then he'll bring it up. just... not right now. soon. but not yet.

"um," he says, desperately casting around for an answer. can't even remember what the question is, now, just that he needs to answer _somehow,_ but suddenly it's very hot in here and he's thinking about the _last_ time he was in here thinking about sungwoon, and-- "i wanna suck you off," he blurts.

"oh," sungwoon says. "well, yeah, that's safer than trying to fuck. that works. okay, let's get naked."

"okay," daniel breathes. fuck, why did he say that? that's not what he meant to say. that's not what they're supposed to be doing right now. they're supposed to be _talking,_ daniel's supposed to be coming clean, opening up, and praying for the best. not... this.

sungwoon's face softens suddenly, and he lifts a hand to rest at the back of daniel's neck. "hey," he murmurs. "or we don't have to do anything at all. we can just shower, and i can just touch you and see where it goes. you don't have to push yourself so hard for me. i promise i can slow down if you need me to."

fuck, why can't he learn to hide just _one_ emotion on his face? "n-no," he says quickly, passing up yet another out for... some reason. "it's okay. i'm just--"

"hiding something," sungwoon finishes. "relax, okay? don't rush yourself. let's just get in the shower and see where things go. we can just slow down for now."

_hiding something,_ daniel's mind echoes hollowly. yeah, he's hiding something all right. sungwoon will probably regret slowing things down in a few minutes.

or, he tries to remind himself, he won't. _or_ this could go amazing. it could be perfect. it could be everything they could ever want. it's that chance, that risk, daniel tells himself. that's what got him here in the first place, and he's going to risk it again, because his luck has been pretty damn good so far, and he's better off _trying_ than doing nothing.

"okay," he whispers. "sorry. i'm just..."

"i know," sungwoon murmurs. he rubs the back of daniel's neck so gently. "it's all right. everyone starts somewhere. let's just both take our clothes off, and then i'll get in the shower and you can join me when you're ready."

daniel nods, jerky and awkward, and then turns his back to undress. he doesn't know why he's self conscious about that -- and he's not sure why he thought trying to do this while _naked_ was a good idea. sungwoon slides around him to climb in the shower, and his hand lingers on daniel's ass just a fraction of a second longer than normal, and daniel has to take a deep breath to steady himself.

and then he takes another, because as sungwoon pulls the shower curtain shut behind him, it suddenly hits daniel what he's about to do. it's been a long time since he's felt comfortable enough with someone to do this, and he's never done it in... such a vulnerable way. he's never fully bared this part of himself, to anyone. even his mom found out by accident. the closest he's come is minhyun the other day, and even that doesn't carry the same weight, when he never outright said anything and his feelings weren't directed towards minhyun in the first place.

he forces himself to breathe long and slow and deep, all the way into his chest and then back out, the way they coached him when he was little, at his first dance recitals, and again later, behind the stage on produce, where he saw so many first timers cry and break down with fear and stage fright.

that's what this feels like -- like he's about to stand up and make a fool out of himself. imagining the audience in their underwear isn't going to help this time. so he just tries to breathe.

finally, when his heart has slowed from a race to a steady pounding, he swallows down the last of his reservations, and climbs in the shower.

sungwoon has his head tipped down to his chest, letting the water hit the top of his head and drip down the back of his neck. he looks silly wet like that, but daniel can't help wanting to press himself to his back, so he does. sungwoon is a long wet line against his front, warm and comfortable. the water hits daniel hard, but it's warm, and sungwoon relaxes into his hold, resting his hands on daniel's arms, and they just... stand there.

it's intimate. it's soft. it's not something daniel's ever had with anyone before. he can feel his heart beating in his throat. he's so comfortable, and so nauseous, and so anxious. it's the worst thing and the best thing at the same time, and he just wants to have this be over with. he just wants to kiss him and have it _mean_ something, or he wants to know if he's making a terrible mistake so he can move on and pretend it never happened.

"you're so comfy," sungwoon murmurs. his voice is so quiet it's almost swallowed by the gentle rush of the water. "why don't we cuddle more?"

"because i can't stay still when i'm asleep," daniel mumbles. his mouth is right next to sungwoon's ear. he feels sungwoon's head tip back into his chest a little more, sheltered slightly from the spray by daniel's body.

"mmm, we'll make it work," he says. "you're too comfy to pass up. god, your voice is sexy. say more words."

"hyung," daniel starts to say, mostly a complaint, but he feels the shiver down sungwoon's spine, and that's... distracting. distracting enough to pull him away from his stupid, angst ridden thoughts. "hyung," he says again, more deliberately, softer.

"that's just one word," sungwoon grumbles, though his voice sounds thicker, a little tremble to it. daniel can't help smiling a little.

"i'm sorry, hyung," he murmurs. "let me make it up to you."

"how are you gonna do that?" sungwoon asks, a challenge.

daniel reaches up and turns sungwoon's face towards him, and locks their mouths together as soon as he can. the angle isn't perfect -- their heights make it awkward, so he has to crane just a little, and sungwoon has to tip his head back a bit more than is probably comfortable, but it's a good compromise. the water is warm and comforting, dripping in his eyes and onto sungwoon's cheeks. he kisses the hell out of sungwoon's big, beautiful, soft bottom lip, and when he pulls away sungwoon's breathing a little harder.

"fuck, niel," he whispers. "you're too good at that. where'd you learn that? not from seongwu."

daniel takes a deep breath, summons strength from somewhere deep in his stomach. _now,_ his brain whispers. while he's soft and pliant and comfortable. do it _now._ "i don't wanna talk about seongwu hyung," he says.

"mm, whatcha wanna talk about then?" sungwoon asks. he grinds his ass back a little against daniel's dick, but daniel drops a hand to still him.

"hyung," he says. he pulls gently with the hand on sungwoon's hips, pushes his shoulder with the other until he turns to face him. sungwoon casually loops his arms around daniel's waist and for a second daniel can't breathe, and then... he forces his lungs to move, coughs quietly, and whispers, "hyung, i..."

"tell me what you want, niel," sungwoon murmurs. he traces patterns on daniel's lower back with one finger.

"hyung," daniel says, as softly as can possibly still be heard above the water. "i think i'm in love with you."

sungwoon stares at him, slightly hooded eyes dark with want suddenly bright. his whole body goes very still, his eyes darting around daniel's face like he's searching for something. he stands there for the second longest moment of daniel's life, and then says, "... what?"

"i..." daniel forces himself to breathe again. "i think... no. i mean. i'm in love with you. i've had feelings for you for a while now. before all of this."

sungwoon still doesn't move a muscle. there's another long, heavy pause. "i don't get it."

daniel starts to flounder a little. he doesn't _get_ it? what's not to get? how much more straightforward can he be? "what... what do you mean?"

"you're joking, right?" sungwoon says. his voice is so quiet, but daniel thinks it's shaking a little. with what, though? shock? surprise? thankfulness? "you're not serious."

"i... yes? i am serious," daniel says. his heart starts beating faster again. this isn't good. this is not the good ending that daniel pictured in his head. this is much closer to the very bad, very terrible, very painful one.

"niel, i..." sungwoon stares at him, mouth opening and closing while he tries to come up with something. daniel sees something in his face flicker, dark and uncertain and troubles, before he smooths it back into blank confusion. he lets go of daniel suddenly, like he's just now remembered what they were about to do. "a-are you sure? come on. don't play around."

"i'm not playing around," daniel whispers. “of course i’m sure.” fuck. _fuck._ oh god, this was a terrible idea. who said taking chances was a good idea? fuck seongwu. fuck daniel for being stupid enough to listen. minhyun was right.

"no," sungwoon says, softly. "you cannot... you can _not_ have feelings for me. are you listening? that cannot be a thing. kang daniel. no. do you not… don’t you know how dangerous that is? why would you say that?"

"w-what?" daniel says. he feels like his chest is being crushed. this can't be happening. what about all those hints? what about all those little moments, all sungwoon’s quiet hesitations? what about the way sungwoon took care of him just five minutes ago, reassuring him, promising him to take it slow? is daniel really dense enough to misread all of that?

"i..." sungwoon closes his eyes, looks down and rubs his eyes. he pushes his wet hair back from his face when he looks up, looking pained and upset. "daniel, you need to forget about this right now. okay? i'm... i am so sorry. okay? i'm not trying to hurt you. if i'd known that you... i would never have let this happen in the first place. please believe me, i am _not_ trying to hurt you. but this is... this can't happen. you need to forget that you ever said those words to me, and you need to forget that you ever thought them. and we can't do this anymore. we have to stop. right now."

"but..." daniel's voice shakes, on the verge of breaking. "you... i thought... we stayed up and... and we talked, for so long, and... we fell asleep together. and you got me breakfast. i... i carried you around the airport. you kept… _hesitating._ there… there has to be something more. you got so happy every time i told you that you were special to me."

something shifts in sungwoon's face, if only for a second. daniel doesn't know what it is, but he knows it's _there,_ and it scares the hell out of him. anger? regret? disgust? it could be... anything.

"that wasn't... that wasn't romantic, niel," sungwoon whispers. "i... i'm so sorry if i made you think it was. we cannot do this. i'm so... i'm so sorry. please don't be hurt, okay? it's better this way, i promise. you should go back to your room."

he fumbles behind himself for the handle, shutting off the water quickly and leaving them both standing there, naked and wet like stray cats. daniel doesn't know what to say. he doesn't know if he should move or if he should let sungwoon move first. he feels like a fucking idiot. his chest hurts. his throat hurts. he thinks he might cry, which isn't something he's done in a long time.

sungwoon breaks eye contact first, shoves the shower curtain out of the way, and nearly trips climbing out. daniel reaches out to try to break his fall, but sungwoon pushes his hand away. he’s shaking a little, and he can't look at daniel while he straightens and reaches for a towel. "i'm fine," he mumbles. he barely even dries himself off before pulling his clothes on, not even glancing at daniel once. he shuts the door hard behind him, and it's like he was never there.

daniel reaches unsteadily for the edge of the tub and sits down heavily. he feels very empty, suddenly. his stomach hurts. his jaw is trembling a little. he makes a quiet noise without meaning to, and that's when he realizes he's crying.

he feels really... really fucking stupid. for trying to do this, for thinking there was any chance it would work out, for fucking _crying_ about it in the bathroom alone. he's a grown man. he can handle some rejection. he can handle being turned down. it's not the end of the fucking world. he can _handle_ this.

can he handle the look on sungwoon's face, though? can he handle the way he _ran,_ the way he couldn't look daniel in the eyes? can he handle knowing that after everything, _everything_ , sungwoon either thinks he's disgusting or he's just so wildly uncomfortable with the concept that he can't even look at him?

it doesn't matter. he has to stop crying. he's not a teenager. this isn't his first crush, this isn't his first rejection. he should have known better, really. this is his own fault. it was never about feelings with seongwu, so why should it be any different now? it wasn't about feelings with minhyun and sungwoon, and he drew enough parallels to that relationship that daniel should have cued in. it's not sungwoon's fault daniel's an idiot. it's not his fault daniel let irrationality and desperation and stupid fucking feelings get in the way of his better judgment.

he should have kept his mouth shut. he shouldn't have said anything. they could have had something fun, something easy and light and enjoyable for them both. he could have been happy with that, right? it's not like they were going to be able to go on dates or anything, even if this worked out. they wouldn't have been able to hold hands, or kiss, or any of the things he would have wanted to do. nothing would have even changed.

except that maybe daniel could have held him and whispered "i love you" and sungwoon could have whispered "i love you" back. they could have lain together, warm and comfortable in each other's arms. it could have been... everything.

but not really, huh. that was all just daniel's wishful thinking. it was never _really_ going to happen. he was an idiot, banking on luck and some prayer that the universe just really liked him. he should have known better than to risk something good on that.

he fumbles around, eyes closed, for the other towel, and dries his face quickly. he forces the hitching motion of his chest to stop, takes deep breaths until he's so focused on that his brain doesn't have time to remember to cry. he dries his hair hastily and then stands, ignores the weakness in his legs. his stomach feels uneasy, but that's probably just something he ate. he's fine. he's okay. he's always okay. this is nothing. he can make it through this.

he can. he absolutely can. he doesn't know how, but he can. and he's going to.

* * *

he's never been so grateful for a day off in his life. before the sun is even fully up, he packs the ugliest outfit he can out of clothes he's never worn in a duffle bag and asks one of the managers to take him to the gym. he spends an hour and a half on the weight machines, and finishes off with a long thirty minutes of hard cardio, not letting himself stop or breathe until his muscles are burning and his lungs are on fire.

he showers in the gym shower with the water turned as cold as it goes. he doesn't want to think about steam and foggy glass right now. they get breakfast when he’s done, and then he asks the manager to drop him on a near empty corner in front of a tiny little park.

the manager looks skeptical, but daniel's been told he does "kicked puppy" pretty well, so he turns it on all the way until the manager sighs and lets him out, with a promise to call in an hour to get picked up.

it's not much time, but it'll have to do. he doesn't know what else to do about this, and the lack of activity is starting to make him nervous again. he finds a bench in the corner of the park and tugs his hat down, praying he isn't recognized. he can't have this conversation anywhere in the dorms, or the company building. hiding in plain sight might be his only option.

it's still fairly early, but his phone only rings twice in his ear before the most comforting voice in the world comes across the line. "hi, baby! you're up early!"

"mom," he says, very softly. "i messed up."

her voice changes instantly, from excited and surprised to anxious and concerned in less than a second. "baby? what's wrong?"

"remember i told you..." he takes a deep breath. "i'm sorry. it's so early. i didn't even say hi."

"it's okay, sweetheart," she murmurs into the line. "i'm here. tell me what's wrong."

he swallows, looks down at the ground and kicks a rock around with his shoe. "remember i told you about... um. someone."

"mmhm," she hums. "i told you to figure out what you were really feeling before you jumped into anything."

"yeah," he says. he can feel the panic and fear and hurt start to claw its way out of his stomach, where he's pushed it down and hidden it so well. he sniffles, rubs at his nose. "well, i figured it out."

"sweetheart," she says so softly. "it's okay. i thought so. you wouldn't have brought it up in the first place if it wasn't serious. i just didn't want you to rush into anything. so... what are you gonna do?"

"that's..." he chokes a little. he feels like _shit._ he feels like a fucking idiot. "it's a little late for that, mom. i already did something, and i think i ruined it."

she goes quiet for a second. "it's really hard to ruin a relationship, baby. i doubt it's actually that bad, but tell me what happened."

he closes his eyes, huffing into the cold air, and drops his head onto his shoulder, pinning his phone there while he picks at a loose thread on his gloves. "i... i wasn't gonna say anything. because i didn't wanna... i don't know. i didn't want to ruin things if i was reading it wrong, and i didn't wanna... i didn't want people to know. if they didn't need to. but then i... i started thinking about how i never got anywhere by sitting around and hoping things turned out all right, so i decided to take a chance and now h-- they won't even look at me and i think i fuc-- messed up really bad. i don't know what to do. i think it's ruined, mom."

"oh, honey," she sighs. it's heavy with all this emotion and concern that makes daniel want to cry again, but he absolutely cannot risk being caught like that. "baby, i'm so sorry."

"i don't know what to do," he whispers, afraid that his voice will crack if he speaks any louder. "it's really bad, mom. he told me to forget that i'd ever felt that and then he _ran_ away and he couldn't even look at me."

"careful what you say, sweetheart," she murmurs. "where are you?"

"at a park," he mumbles.

"kang daniel!" she hisses. he doesn't know why _she's_ keeping her voice down. she's probably at home, she has nothing to worry about. "in public? really?"

he whines into the phone, feeling like a petulant little kid again. "i can't talk about this in the dorms!" he says. "or anywhere someone from the group or the company could hear! i think there were fans outside the gym when i got there, i... there's nowhere i _can_ talk about this, and i... i don't know what to do, mom, i need your help."

she sighs again, quiet and sorrowful. "you're right, baby, i'm sorry. i just want you to be safe. are you okay? do you need to come home?"

like that's an option. it's nice of her to offer, and he's sure she'd fight the company if that's what she had to do to get him home, but he wouldn't let her. there's too many schedules, and they're almost done anyways. at this point it's better to just wait it out.

"no, mom," he mumbles. "i'm okay. i... i mean. i'm upset. but i'm okay. i'll be okay. i just don't know what to do."

"i know, sweetheart," she murmurs. "oh, my baby. i'm so sorry. i never would have wanted you to go through something like this."

"he was so..." daniel knows he should be more careful about his descriptions, but he can't help it. it's his _mom,_ and he's always told her everything -- all the words come spilling out so fast, before he even has time to think about what he's saying or where he is or what the danger might be. "he looked so upset. first he just had this blank face, and then he kept telling me i shouldn't even think about it and i should just let it go and give up. he's never acted like that before. he’s always been… he was so nice and he cared about me and then suddenly everything _changed,_ out of nowhere. it doesn't make any sense. i thought... i mean, i knew it was a risk telling him, but i didn't think... i didn't think he would react like this."

"you can never really know how someone's going to react," she says softly. "for what it's worth, you were very brave. you weren't wrong in thinking that taking risks has helped you out a lot. maybe you just could have afforded to... pass on this one."

"i know," he whispers. "but i had to try. i... if this was the only chance we had then i had to take it while i still could. what if i ran out of time and... and then i never knew?"

he can practically see her sad little smile when she speaks next. "you've got that secret little romantic streak, don't you? you probably get it from me. i don't think it's a bad thought, sweetheart, but... you haven't exactly made any of this very easy on yourself, have you?"

"i was just so sure," he says. his heart aches. it's like a physical pain, right behind his breastbone. "the way he talked... the way he treated me. i just... i was so sure. i had to take the chance."

"i know, angel," she says. "so what are you going to do now?"

he sighs heavy into the air, opens his eyes to watch his breath drift away as fog. "i don't know," he mumbles. "i don't wanna lose him. but i don't know what to do. i don't wanna... i don't wanna make him uncomfortable, but i don't want to... i don't want it to hurt, either. it's not like i can avoid him. we've still got so much stuff left, and we have to be around each other all the time. i mean, i can kind of stay away but. all his best friends are my best friends and..."

"you can always try talking to him again," she says, gentle, like she knows that's the last thing he wants to hear. "just let him know that your friendship is more important. but baby, if... if he's that upset by you telling him, then... i don't want to be harsh, but you're my baby, so i'm always going to be a little overprotective. i don't want you to have to force yourself to be around people who are going to think negatively of you for this. you know there's nothing wrong with you."

yeah, sure, he knows that, but can't he _control_ it? it's not like everyone else is running around with desperate crushes on the random girls they meet and work with, so why is it that he can't keep himself from falling for a friend? attraction, sure, that's basic and understandable, but this full blown meltdown of feelings? why couldn't he have found an off switch to shut this down months ago before it ever got started?

"i know," he says. "i just... mom, i..." his eyes start to sting, and he closes them, praying that anyone who happens to glance over just assumes it's the wind. "it's really... really serious. like. i've never felt like this about anyone before, serious. like i would want this to last a really, really long time, serious. even if... i just can't let it go. i... i miss him already, it's been one night and it hurts so much."

"oh, honey," she whispers. "oh, i wish i could be there. i'm so sorry you have to do this alone, my baby. you're so brave, you know that? and so strong. i know you can get through this, no matter what happens. you've had so many things thrown at you and you've _always_ come out on top. this isn't any different. one boy doesn't change the whole world, sweetheart."

she says that, but she doesn't _know_ him. she doesn't understand how the planet stops spinning when they're together. she doesn't understand how daniel's heart pounds when they hold each other. she doesn't know the bliss, the absolute joy of kissing him. and she can't ever know that, because it's all in daniel's head, and it's not _real,_ it's not physical, it's not tangible -- and that means he can get over it. maybe. it means he _should_ be able to get over it. he just doesn't know that he wants to.

"i still can't lose him as a friend, mom," he says. call it a compromise. "he means... so much. i'm not... i'm not ready to give up on that."

"then you should talk to him, angel," she says. "if he really means that much to you. maybe... i don't know. maybe you can help him understand, so you don't have to deal with all that other complicated mess. just sitting around won't help fix it, though."

"yeah," he whispers. she's right. he does need to talk to him. maybe daniel was seeing things. maybe it wasn't panic over what daniel thinks it was. maybe it was just panic over the danger, over the shock of it. daniel's not going to force him into a relationship, but he doesn't think he can deal with never being friends again. knowing that he ruined a friendship that good just because he couldn't control one stupid emotion would probably be the worst way to end this whole thing.

"i love you, sweetheart," she murmurs. "no matter what happens, you always have me. and you've got your friends. and ori's here, she's mad because i'm talking to you instead of filling her bowl. can you hear her?"

he can actually hear a little distant whine, something like a meow. he can't help smiling, raising a hand to wipe at his eyes quickly. there's a couple sitting on a bench across the way, but they're not paying any attention to him, thankfully. "yeah," he says. "tell her i say hi? and all of them."

"of course, baby," she says. "don't worry, okay? everything will work out in the end. whatever's meant to be will be. all you can do is hold on and do your best to make it to the end."

which is a nice thought. he just wishes the ride didn't hurt so much.

* * *

half of them get pulled for shooting the next day, and daniel's lucky enough to be stuck in the dorm with nothing to do to distract him from how stupid and embarrassed and upset he feels. he wanders around for a while, cleaning uselessly, as if they still live on the same floor as minhyun, and then he makes himself breakfast, and cleans up the dishes, and immediately makes himself lunch afterwards.

he tries to distract himself with video games, but nothing holds his attention. he flicks through the extensive library of games he's bought over the last year and a half but has had no time to play, but not a single one catches his eye for more than a second. he wanders back to the bedroom eventually, where he finds seongwu on the bottom bunk again, staring at the ceiling.

"hi, hyung," he says.

"hey," seongwu says, distracted. the room falls silent after that.

daniel waits a second, then sighs. "can i have my bed back, please?" he asks. "i wanna take a nap."

"yeah," seongwu says. he sits up, but his head clearly isn't here. he stands up and moves to the desk, but he's still just staring into space, even when daniel lies down and pulls the blankets up over himself. he gets the feeling that seongwu's waiting for him to ask what's wrong, but he honestly just doesn't have the energy for a pep talk right now. not after the stupidity that the last one drove him to.

he closes his eyes and tries to go to sleep, but that's when he notices that seongwu keeps _sighing,_ and every time he turns around in the chair it makes a tiny rocking noise against the hardwood floors. daniel flips onto his other side, pulls the blankets up over his ears, but there's still a tension in the air, a heaviness that he can't quite shake. and by that point he's started to feel guilty enough that he just groans internally, flops back onto his other side again, and says, "what's wrong?"

seongwu sighs, again. "it's nothing."

god, daniel wishes he could just leave it at that, but now that he's given him a little attention, he doesn't think he can let it go without feeling bad. "hyung," he says. "whatever it is, i'll listen."

seongwu twists around in the chair, spinning to face him. "you remember that thing i told you about?"

this conversation is starting to feel horribly familiar. daniel nods, slowly. "yeah. did something happen?"

seongwu shakes his head. "no. i mean... no. not really. maybe. you know those moments where you think something is happening and then you realize you actually can't tell if it's even real?"

daniel is starting to hate this conversation. "yeah," he says. "i... i guess. like mixed signals kind of thing?"

seongwu looks down at the floor, arms crossed over his chest. "we haven't, like... talked about it. you know? we haven't actually said anything. there just hasn't been a chance, you know, privacy and stuff."

daniel doesn't want to do this. he does _not_ want to be having this conversation. he cares about seongwu, he does, and he doesn't want him to have to deal with these problems on his own, but he also does not have the emotional stability to have this conversation right now. "hyung," he says softly. "i don't know that i can help you that much with this. maybe you should talk to like... i don't know, jisung hyung? or minhyun hyung. you guys are best friends."

seongwu's face flickers, some emotion daniel can't place. "i can't talk to minhyun about this," he says. "i already _am_ talking to my best friend."

"i just think they might have better advice," daniel says. "i'm not... i don't really do any of that stuff very much. they probably have more experience. i'll just... tell you something dumb, probably."

"i can't talk to minhyun," seongwu says again. "niel, please. i don't need advice. i just don't have anyone else i can talk about this with. you don't have to tell me what to do, you just have to listen."

well, doesn't that just make him feel like shit. he sits up slowly, pulling the blankets with him to wrap around his shoulders. "okay, hyung," he mumbles. "sorry. i just don't want to give you bad advice."

"there isn't much you can do to make this worse than it is," seongwu says, a little dry, a little self-mocking. "it's already pretty bad."

daniel crosses his legs, snags a pillow to hug to his chest. "it can always be worse, hyung," he says.

"well, i'm screwed either way with this one," seongwu says. "i didn't realize until the other day that it's been going on even longer than i thought. i think it's been... a while. too long for me to keep ignoring it."

daniel searches back in his mind, trying to imagine who seongwu would have met and gotten close enough to in the last year and a half for it to have gotten that severe, but there's so many people, it's impossible to narrow down. "are you... gonna talk to them, then?"

seongwu looks down at the ground and glares. "is that smart? what if it doesn't work out? i don't think i'm reading this wrong. i mean, in public it's one thing, but it... it's so... it's different, when we're together. in private. you know?"

daniel feels uneasy. "i wouldn't make that assumption, hyung," he murmurs. "it's probably better to... i don't know. to try to find out another way. before you jump into something."

"i don't... there _is_ no other way," seongwu huffs. "i can't just text. how many times have we had to change numbers? i can't risk something like this getting out."

"i just think..." daniel hesitates. "you're friends, right? i just think you're risking something more important if you bring it up when you're not ready. your friendship should be more important."

"i'm at a point where i don't know if it was ever just friendship," seongwu says. his voice goes quiet and low. "i'm starting to think we... from the beginning, we were always doing this. dancing around each other. i was just too dumb to see it back then, and now... i don't know. i don't wanna think that i waited too long, but i'm scared that i might have."

daniel reaches up awkwardly and rubs the back of his neck. "would it be easier to... wait? till next year? when things aren't so busy? maybe people won't be watching so much."

"no," seongwu says, and his voice is harsh and rough and frustrated. "it won't be. at that point it'll be way too late. i don't have that kind of time to figure this out."

daniel stares for a long second, licks his lips slowly while he thinks, and then says, "... who is it, hyung?"

seongwu shakes his head. "i can't tell you."

"i can't help if i don't know what you're dealing with," daniel says quietly.

"i didn't ask for advice," seongwu says. "i asked you to listen."

"well, it kind of sounds like you're fucked, hyung," daniel says. "and we both knew i was gonna end up helping anyway. can you at least tell me if i know them?"

seongwu closes his eyes, lets out a soft, pained sigh. "you do," he admits, quietly.

daniel feels his heart sink a little, tiny sympathy pangs in his chest. "hyung..."

"i'm not saying anything more than that," seongwu says. "i'm not letting this get out. i just don't know what the fuck to do about it."

daniel looks down, hugging his pillow close and taking a deep breath. "and... you can't talk to minhyun hyung about this, right?"

seongwu goes very quiet. when daniel looks up, he's staring off at the wall, a pained, tired expression drawing his eyebrows together. he looks near the verge of tears, which is the _last_ thing daniel wants, but honestly, knowing seongwu, he's not surprised, either.

"no," seongwu whispers. "i can't."

daniel nods silently and looks back at the ground. "okay," he murmurs after a second's long pause. "i understand, hyung."

does he know, daniel wonders. does he know about minhyun and sungwoon? does he know about daniel and sungwoon? does he know about minhyun's quiet cautions? how much has minhyun told him? he gets the sense that it's probably not much at all -- he didn't mention seongwu at all when daniel talked to him, only vague references to _others._ daniel's heart aches with sympathy. there's no way this ends well, not when minhyun made his opinion on these things so clear.

"it's been so long, i..." oh, seongwu's definitely going to cry here soon. he drags his fingers through his hair, frustrated and embarrassed, probably. "like... since the beginning. i don't know how i missed it, i guess i just... never thought about it, but i... i can't pretend it's not happening anymore. it's like, when you realize it's going on, suddenly you can't ignore it. it's everywhere." he closes his eyes, pinches the bridge of his nose, and the way his face twists... he's seconds from losing it.

"i know," daniel whispers. "i'm so sorry, hyung. i... i get it. i know. there isn't any good answer."

"no," seongwu agrees, hollowly. "there isn't. no matter what i do, i'm screwed. if i wait, i'm risking the chance of everything falling apart before then, and if i do nothing, i'm giving up without ever knowing, and if i say something then... either it doesn't happen, and i have to live with that, or it does happen and there's still a fifty-fifty chance it doesn't work out. then what do i do?"

he's such a romantic, daniel thinks. seongwu's always had such soft, gentle ideas of love and romance. he likes art and finding beauty in the world and sharing it with someone who understands. to be honest, daniel's surprised he didn't see it sooner, but he's been wrapped up in his own personal drama for so long, maybe it's not that surprising.

"it's probably better if i give up," seongwu mumbles. he's doing surprisingly well, holding back his tears. "it's not realistic, right? i'm asking for too much."

daniel doesn't know what to tell him. in theory, the idea of the two of them together is far from unrealistic, but is it practical? probably not. does that mean seongwu has no chance? it's hard to say. if daniel didn't know exactly what minhyun thought of things like this, he would probably blindly tell seongwu to pursue it. the worst that could happen is he gets turned down, right? they're so close, daniel doubts that they'd ever stop being friends, even with minhyun's obviously pessimistic views of these things.

but it's not that simple, either. daniel doesn't think minhyun would be as harsh as sungwoon was. he doesn't think minhyun would have the heart to tell seongwu to forget about it, to drop it, to pretend it never happened. but he didn't think sungwoon was like that, either, and seongwu is so... fragile, sometimes. he's soft, and silly, and daniel's never met anyone with such a strong romantic streak. it wouldn't take a conversation nearly as harsh as that for him to feel as rejected and upset as daniel does right now.

"i don't know, hyung," he murmurs. "i don't think it's... impossible. it just isn't easy, either. i don't think you could just walk in there and explain it and have it work out. it's too complicated for that."

"i just..." seongwu shakes his head, huffing. "i just don't want to let this go without knowing. i've never... i've never felt like this before, about... you know."

about a guy, daniel fills in. he could have guessed, from the way seongwu's always acted, but it's not as if it changes how he feels right now. and daniel gets it -- what if this is what fate really wanted for him? what if this is more than just a crush, deeper than just some long running but ultimately temporary feelings? what if this is meant to be, and what if he passes up on the opportunity and never knows if it could be the romance he's always dreamed of?

"you just..." daniel bites the inside of his mouth, stopping himself before he blurts out something that gives himself away. "you just can't... i don't know, hyung. you can't let it go, that's obviously not what you want, but you can't... force it, either. if you push too hard, whether the person wants it or not, they're gonna... they're gonna push back. no one wants to be cornered."

"i don't want that either!" seongwu says, a little bit of a whine to his voice. "if it happens, i want it to be because we both want it, i just... i keep thinking about risk and reward and... the thing is like. if we hadn't made it on produce, if we hadn't made it as idols. it would have sucked, right? it would have been disappointing, because we worked so hard and in the end it didn't pay off. but it's not like that was completely the end. it's not like we had no other options if that didn't work out. it's not like there were repercussions if we failed, it's not like our lives would suck or anyone would have been mad at us. but this is... if you take that risk, and you try to explain it, and it doesn't work out. there's real potential that someone could actually be mad at you. for like... a long time. you're taking a risk that could ruin a friendship. you're letting emotions decide the fate of a relationship with someone that really matters to you."

"well, there's..." daniel stumbles over his words. "you don't know that it'll ruin it, and... there's other people anyway, and anyone that's really gonna get _mad_ at you over that probably wasn't... you know. worth it."

seongwu gives him a look that plainly says they both know it's not that simple. "is that what your mom told you when you were thirteen and you told a girl you liked her and got turned down? i'm not talking about a stupid crush here, niel. i'm talking about... something bigger than that. something that could turn permanent if you let it. the kind of friendship that builds up to that isn't... it's not the kind of thing you can just let go because someone disappoints you."

ouch. it's not like that's what daniel wants. it's not like he doesn't _want_ to be around sungwoon anymore. it's not like all his feelings and wants and desires turned off just because sungwoon hurt him. he just doesn't know if he's strong enough to stare someone he cares about so much in the face and think about how they couldn't look him in the eyes, never certain again as to whether they really care about him or not.

"i know that," he says. "just..." he falls silent. he doesn't have a response. seongwu is right. that kind of friendship isn't the sort of thing you just let go. he already misses him so much, and it's been two whole days. a week ago, they would have been openly seeking each other out. now, every second that passes feels like a lifetime, and every message daniel gets that isn't from him hurts worse than a thousand onstage injuries.

"yeah," seongwu murmurs. "you get it. i just don't know what i'm supposed to do now."

"i don't know, hyung," daniel mumbles. "it kinda sounds like you've already made up your mind."

seongwu goes quiet again, staring into space and spinning back and forth slowly in his chair. "i don't know," he says. "i don't... i don't wanna mess this up. but i... yeah. i don't know."

daniel swallows back the pained lump in his throat. "it's not gonna be the same for everyone," he says. "it might not work for some people. but that doesn't mean it can't work for you."

in a weird way, daniel desperately wants this to turn out okay for them. he wants so badly for the two of them to work this out. at least it means that something good can come out of all the stupid mess that the four of them have made, without ever even realizing that they're all tangled up together like this. he wants so badly for seongwu to be happy.

and he gets his first little victory, because seongwu smiles a little, just something tiny at the corner of his mouth. "maybe," he murmurs.

and, well. _maybe_ is better than any of the other answers daniel's gotten in the last two days.

* * *

this is when things start to get difficult, though. the next day is a return to the hectic, unending schedules of late december. practice is so horribly awkward. daniel can't look at sungwoon, and sungwoon can't look at him. they have a rushed, awkward concert practice, just to see if three songs in succession is too much toll on them. sungwoon puts a hand on his shoulder as they walk through the choreo, and daniel can't help the stiffness down his spine, the horrible, embarrassed feeling running through him right now, knowing that they can't avoid being near each other, that sungwoon is probably remembering everything that happened between them, and everything daniel admitted.

after practice, he attaches himself to jihoon and the other younger members, feeling safer with them than with minhyun or seongwu. sungwoon isn't seeking him out, and daniel doubts he would force himself into any space that daniel was already occupying, but he's not going to make it any harder on them. better to just keep his distance and let sungwoon have his space.

if anyone notices that he's acting weird, they don't say anything. he catches minhyun watching him, but he supposes that one was inevitable. sungwoon probably ran back and told him everything, after daniel's stupid confession. he's sure minhyun doesn't think badly of him, but daniel doesn't think he can deal with the pity or the sympathy any more than he can deal with sungwoon's disgust.

so he hangs far away from the older members, sits with jihoon and woojin through rehearsal at the venue for the next big schedule, and wiggles himself in between guanlin and daehwi on the way back to the studio. they have three hours of photoshoots, but he sits with jaehwan and they giggle over stupid youtube videos during their down time. sungwoon stays far away.

back in the dorms that night, late enough that daniel can shower and climb in bed without saying a word to anyone and not need an excuse, he starts to realize he's being a coward. he's not trying to lose this friendship, right? shouldn't he be talking to him? shouldn't he be trying to bridge that gap, not break it apart even further? he's not going to fix anything by hiding in his room, or cowering behind the younger members and trying to pretend they were never even friends.

but he's also scared, he admits to himself. he's scared of having his peace offering rejected as harshly as his confession. he wants to walk straight up to sungwoon and say, "i understand and respect your decision but our friendship means too much to me for me to just give up on it altogether," but he's scared that sungwoon's response will just be, "that's nice, but how can i ever know you won't still be hung up on this dating thing?"

it's cowardly. it's stupid. daniel loves him, right? loves him like a friend, like a lover, like family. loves him like he'd have no problem keeping him around for the rest of his life. loves him like he wants to get down on his knees and apologize, even though he knows logically he did nothing wrong. maybe he could have been a bit more open about this from the start, but he'd thought that it was mutual, right? he thought his signals were being received as clearly as the ones he thought he was picking up.

so why does it feel like he _did_ do something wrong? why does it feel like he's ruined everything, like he's driven this permanent wedge between them, just by being honest?

it hurts, to think that just being open about this feelings, trying to avoid the pain of not knowing, of letting this pass and never even giving it a shot, could have ruined this forever. maybe it would have been better to not know. maybe it would have been simpler if he'd kept all this to himself, if he'd just let things keep going the way they were, even if it hurt. even if it always felt like he was sitting just on the edge of everything he wanted.

but he knows he's not being fair to himself. he knows that he didn't actually do anything wrong. logically, he's fully aware of the fact that sungwoon overreacted, and that he's not justified if he really does decide to cut daniel out over this. but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

in the end, it's not up to him. the next day is just as busy as the the day before, except that it feels like they just spend their entire time in the van, getting bused from place to place for more people to take pictures of them or shove a microphone in their face. they end the day at the company building again, and daniel feels exhausted for no reason. they have a long night of solo filming -- interviews for vcrs at the final concerts. daniel doesn't have nearly enough energy to go through with that, but luckily he's later on the list, which means he can slack off and pretend not to have any responsibilities for a while.

he just feels so tired. the day has felt so long, so much back and forth across the city, and it all feels pointless and unnecessary. he knows that the company is just trying to squeeze out what money they can in the last stretch of time, but it's exhausting. he just wants to lie down and sleep. he hasn't been home since chuseok. he misses his cats, he misses his mom. he misses lying in his own bed and not being surrounded by people all the time. he generally considers himself pretty extroverted, but the last couple weeks have taken an emotional toll on him that he wasn't prepared for -- and he's sure it's only going to get worse, as they all start to pack up their rooms and sort through what belongs to who and try to figure out how to be individuals again, apart from a whole.

he claims a couch in one of the empty offices for himself to try to catch a nap while everyone else clusters in one of the big meeting rooms while they wait for their turn. it stings a little, at first, that no one comes looking for him, but he tries not to let it settle under his skin too much. they're all distracted right now. everyone's so focused on their own thoughts and prospects for next year, they hardly have time to be worrying about each other.

he manages to doze off for a little, maybe ten or fifteen fitful minutes, before he's awoken by the sound of the door clicking shut. he assumes it's a manager, and keeps his eyes shut, praying for a few minutes longer before they drag him off to do this. he doesn't want to sit in some big empty room and talk about what this group means to him, what the fans mean to him, what the last year and a half has meant to him. he doesn't want to think about everything ending. he wants to travel back in time four or five months and just... stay there. forever.

there's another quiet click, and he prays it means that the manager has left, until he hears the sound of blinds being drawn and opens his eyes. sungwoon is standing there, by the window out into the hall. his back is to daniel, but he looks tired, too. daniel stays very still, wondering if sungwoon even knows he's there, and hoping they can avoid any discomfort if he just doesn't say anything and lets the moment pass.

but sungwoon turns around, and his shoulders fall a little when their eyes meet. "did i wake you?" he murmurs. "sorry. i mean... i came to talk anyway. so."

"i wasn't sleeping that well anyway," daniel mumbles. his voice comes out rougher than expected, hazy with just those few minutes of sleep. he clears his throat and sits up slowly, gently pulling his hair back into place.

the room falls silent. daniel stares down at the floor, trying not to feel like a child about to be scolded. he can feel sungwoon's eyes on him, but doesn't dare look up to meet his gaze. he's tired. he's scared. he just wants things to go back to how they were. he doesn't want to _do_ this.

"niel," sungwoon says finally. his voice is so soft daniel could probably pretend not to hear him if he wanted to. "we can't do this. we've got to fix this. i just... i can't let things go like this."

daniel doesn't know how to reply to that. what's he supposed to do? say, _"sorry, hyung, i didn't mean to make you so uncomfortable with my confession that you ran away and couldn't look me in the eyes?"_

sungwoon takes a tiny step forward. daniel still doesn't look up. "i know i probably hurt you," sungwoon says, quietly. "i... i didn't mean to do that. i promise. i was... you threw me off guard. i wasn't ready for you to... say that. i wasn't ready to talk about it. and we weren't... it wasn't really the place for it."

daniel shakes his head. he knows that. he _knows_ that. does sungwoon think he's stupid? there wasn't anywhere else he _could_ bring it up. what was he supposed to do? it's not his _fault._

"i just..." sungwoon huffs, loud but not impatient. "you're one of my best friends. it's been three days and i miss you so much. not even... not the other stuff. just in general. just having you around. and i don't like knowing that i hurt you. i... i stand by what i said, but i wish i'd said it differently. or... i wish you'd brought it up somewhere we could actually _talk,_ instead of... there."

daniel bites his lip, digs his teeth in hard. what does he want? is he trying to apologize or tell daniel he's an idiot for bringing it up? there wasn't any other chance. daniel had to say something, and he took the only opportunity he had.

sungwoon sighs, quiet, wistful. "please say something," he says. it comes out like a plea, like he's begging. "i'm trying to talk, but we can't do that if you won't respond to me. at least _look_ at me."

daniel lets his eyes flick up, and sungwoon's face is so drawn, so tired, so upset. it makes daniel want to cry, knowing he's the reason for that, even if he didn't really do anything wrong. he doesn't want to hurt him, either. he doesn't want to be the reason that they're upset with each other, the reason that they can barely look each other in the eyes.

"i'm sorry," he says. "i don't know what else to say."

"tell me you don't hate me for hurting you," sungwoon says. he takes another step forward, sits down on the floor in front of him, so daniel can't avoid looking at him even if he tries. "tell me we can still be friends."

daniel reaches up awkwardly, eyes sliding to the side, rubbing at the back of his head. "i don't know," he says. "can we? i... of course i want that, but you're the one who ran away. it doesn't really seem like you _want_ to be friends."

"of course i do," sungwoon argues, his voice a little desperate. "niel! why wouldn't i? you're one of my best friends. how many times do i have to say it? i trust you before i trust so many people. you're the one thing so many people can count on to brighten their day, to make them laugh or smile or just... feel better. i'm one of them. of course i still want to be friends."

"you ran away," daniel says. he lets his voice fall flat, emotionless. "you told me to forget about all of this. you told me i should forget i ever even thought it. you couldn't look me in the eyes."

"that's..." sungwoon stares at him, his face so desperate, eyes flicking back and forth, like he's searching for something. "you don't think... niel, god, i didn't mean that because... i didn't mean it like _that!_ i would never... after what we did together? how could you think i would..."

"i don't know!" daniel says, sitting back abruptly and crossing his arms, trying to protect himself. from what, he's not sure. sungwoon won't hurt him, right? not again. "you're the one who said it, hyung, so why don't _you_ explain it to _me?_ "

"daniel," sungwoon breathes. "that's not what i meant. i swear on my life, i didn't mean it like that. i just meant... it's not safe, for you or for me. feeling things like that puts you in danger, it... you just _can't._ i'm trying to protect you."

"i'm not a child," daniel says. "you think i didn't spend a long time thinking it over beforehand? you think i don't know how dangerous it is? you really think i would go into something like that without weighing my options first? i'm not an idiot. if you were trying to protect me you wouldn't have looked so... so disgusted. if you were trying to protect me then you wouldn't have been so _scared_ of me."

sungwoon reaches up and tries to grab his hands, but daniel pulls them away. he doesn't want to be touched. he doesn't want to make himself weak enough to let sungwoon put his hands on him, and break down because it's so close to what he really wants.

"daniel, please," sungwoon whispers. "i swear to god, i could never be disgusted with you. please, i need you to believe me. that's not what this is about. i'm not a fucking... i'm not like that, i swear. honest to god, i swear on... on everything that means anything to me, i didn't mean it like that. i was honestly trying to protect you. i wasn't disgusted with you, i wasn't... i wasn't _scared_ of you, how could i be? you're just... you're this big, sweet puppy, you're everyone's best friend. how could i be scared of you?"

"you couldn't look me in the fucking eyes, hyung!" daniel whispers. "you let me stare at you while you got dressed and ran away from me! you said all those things!"

"and i'm sorry!" sungwoon pleads. "daniel, please, i didn't mean to hurt you, i swear! if you're hurt then... you have every right to be, but i promise, i didn't mean for that to happen!"

daniel leans forward, closes his eyes and rubs his forehead. "you made me feel like you hated me."

"i'm so sorry," sungwoon whispers. "please forgive me. you don't deserve that." a few gentle fingers touch daniel's hair, but he pushes them away roughly.

"maybe you should've thought about that earlier, then," he mumbles. he doesn't know where this anger is coming from. half an hour ago he was sad, and lonely, and upset. now he just feels _mad._ how's sungwoon going to say all those things to him, and then turn around and say that he didn't mean them? how is he going to treat daniel like that, then claim he didn't want to hurt him? he says he was scared, but not scared of daniel. none of it adds up, but it all hurts.

"daniel," sungwoon begs. "please. i know i hurt you. i didn't think about what i was saying, i didn't think how it would sound to you. i promise, i could never hate you, not for something like that. you have to believe me."

"do i?" daniel says. "why couldn't you just have... why can't you just be honest with me? did you mean it then or do you mean it now?"

"now, daniel, i promise," sungwoon says. "i mean... i meant it then, but not the way it sounded. i was just... i wasn't prepared, we were both... that's not really the place you go for something like that!"

"tell me where i was supposed to do it, then, hyung!" daniel snaps. "in the practice room? backstage of some performance? maybe in the elevator? should i have told seongwu hyung to get out of our room so i could have this conversation with you? tell me how i should have done it, if not like that."

sungwoon rubs his face with one hand, looking tired and upset, but daniel feels none of the sympathy he did when he first walked in. "you shouldn't have done it at all, niel," sungwoon mumbles. "that's the point i was trying to make. you should be protecting yourself. you shouldn't be... you shouldn't be saying those things to anyone, let alone me. especially me. you know why. it's not... it's not because it's _wrong,_ it's not because i think it's bad or... or disgusting, or any of that. it's because it's _dangerous._ it would be dangerous enough with some... some normal person, some girl you met on the streets. it's so much worse when it's with me. don't you get that?"

"obviously," daniel mumbles. " _obviously,_ hyung. i spent so long trying to figure out if i should say something or give up, and in the end i decided to say something because i couldn't deal with pretending it didn't exist anymore. you kept... you kept doing things and saying things and giving me all these little hints, and when i held myself back last time you got mad because i kept you waiting. what if it was the same thing now? and i was running out of _time,_ i know it wasn't the perfect place or the perfect time to do it, but i didn't have many options. that was the best thing i could come up with on short notice. i had to do it, or i was never going to, and i know you think i'm stupid for doing it at all, but i... i had to. there was no way i could keep pretending it wasn't happening."

sungwoon goes very quiet, and looks down at the floor, in between daniel's feet. for a few long seconds, daniel just stares at him and waits, and for a moment he wonders if time has stopped. the position is awkward, but he could reach out right now, if he wanted to, and tip sungwoon's face upwards, and lean down to meet him, and kiss him just as soft and gentle as he has before, when they were alone, when the doors were locked and he had nothing to be afraid of.

"i'm sorry, daniel," sungwoon says finally, his voice shaking and quiet and fearful. "you're right, i don't think you should have done it. i think you should have kept it to yourself and tried to deal with it on your own instead of trying to make it happen. you knew it was dangerous. even if... even if i returned your feelings, you think i would have said yes? with all the danger, you think i would have agreed to this? i understand you felt you needed to get it off your chest, but there was no way you could have honestly thought it would work out for us. it's too dangerous." then he takes a deep breath and he looks so pained, and he says, "not that... not that it matters, because... i don't feel that way. i'm sorry."

that hurts. it doesn't sting, it doesn't ache, it _hurts,_ like he's being stabbed. he's so blunt, so straightforward, about all of it. it reminds daniel, illogically, of the way he cornered him in the bathroom, or the way he climbed into daniel's lap, so straightforward and honest about what he wanted. he supposes it only makes sense that he would be similarly straightforward now, but it doesn't hurt any less.

maybe just because he's never actually said that part out loud -- that he doesn't feel that way about daniel. that he doesn't return daniel's stupid crush. except it's not a crush, so it doesn't hurt the way that crushes do. it's not this tiny blossoming feeling under daniel's ribs, it's a full bloom in his heart, with roots somewhere near his stomach, and right now it feels like sungwoon's grabbing by the big leafy tendrils near the top and _pulling,_ and it's pulling all of daniel's insides out with it.

"i'm sorry," sungwoon says again, but daniel can't look at him anymore. he feels like an idiot, bending down further so he can hide his face, so sungwoon doesn't see him when he cries. but he can't hide the way his shoulders shake, even if he can hide the little tear that slips out.

"oh, niel, please, no," sungwoon whispers. he tries to touch him again, to hug him or comfort him, or... whatever, but daniel pushes him away sharply. "please don't cry," sungwoon says. "please. i can't watch you cry."

"then go away," daniel mumbles. he rubs furiously at one eye, trying to get the tears to stop forming. "maybe you shouldn't have said all that shit, then. i don't know what you expected."

he's not trying to be rude, but it hurts. everything hurts so bad, and he feels so stupid for trusting him, for really, genuinely believing that maybe things could work out. he says he wants to be friends, but he clearly doesn't understand how bad what he's saying hurts. or he does, and he doesn't care, because his weird concept of _safety_ is more important than what he's putting daniel through right now.

"i'm sorry," sungwoon whispers. "you... you won't forgive me, i'm sure, but. i'm still so sorry."

there's a knock on the door, and they both stiffen instinctively. "niel hyung," jinyoung calls through the door. "they're looking for you. you're up next after jihoonie hyung."

great. awesome. just what he fucking needs, an interview about how beautiful and perfect and amazing and once-in-a-lifetime the last year and a half has been. just what he wants to be thinking about right now.

but he takes a deep breath, and on the exhale he calls back, "i'll be there in a minute!" and he hears jinyoung walk away. he closes his eyes, sits up straight, takes a few more deep breaths. he pinches the bridge of his nose until the tears stop coming, breathes through his nose until it comes clear and easy, not snotty and broken. he swallows down the lump in his throat, and keeps breathing.

"here, niel, tissue," sungwoon murmurs, but daniel ignores him, wiping the leftover wetness on his cheeks and under his nose with the inside of his sleeve. the redness can be covered with makeup, and if he starts crying again during the interview, then... well, at least the fans get a good reaction out of it.

he can do this. he _can._ he's not a child, it's not his first rejection or his first time being hurt. yeah, it's a little different, because he's put a significantly larger amount of emotion into this relationship than the ones he's had in the past, and he's had a lot of firsts in this relationship that he was never going to have with anyone else, but... it's not the end of the world. he can do this. he _can_ do this.

he breathes out slow one more time, and then stands up. sungwoon doesn't move except to look up at him, but daniel doesn't dare look back. sungwoon says nothing as daniel collects himself one more time, says nothing as daniel walks to the door and shakes his head quickly to clear the little fog that remains.

and neither of them say anything once he steps through and lets the door fall shut heavily behind him.


	3. burn the last flower for me

so, that happened. he doesn't cry during the interview, mostly because he feels a little too numb. he does get emotional, and it does hurt, but he doesn't cry, and honestly, it's probably better that way. easier on him, easier on the fans, easier on the other members who have to sit and wonder what's gotten into him when they watch these air at the concerts.

not that it would be strange for him to be upset, just that it would probably be a bit concerning to see him cry. he feels like he's done it so often lately that it's put him in an entirely different frame of mind. he's sure seongwu would have something to say to him about the healing power of tears, about how expelling your sadness or your negative energy or whatever is therapeutic, how it's good for you. daniel doesn't feel any better after crying. crying puts him in a weird mindset, like everything is so much worse than it actually is. his whole thing is supposed to be positivity, but right now he just feels like a loser.

he's quiet the rest of the day, but they all are, so it goes mostly unnoticed. daniel's usually the most boisterous of them all, but he thinks the interviews have put them all in a weird mood. talking about this thing like it's going to end soon makes it much more real, more tangible. they have hard video evidence that it's ending. it sits uncomfortably in daniel's stomach, right with the weird post-crying feeling and the knowledge that he and sungwoon were never meant to work out.

back in their room, after they've showered and changed and climbed into their beds and turned off the lights, daniel and seongwu lie in silence, though they both know the other is awake. daniel can hear him tossing and turning above him, restless and uncomfortable and anxious.

finally, after a long half an hour or so of staring into the darkness, alone with each other and their thoughts, seongwu speaks up. "you awake?" he mumbles, just barely loud enough for daniel to hear.

daniel shifts a little under the blankets, flopping onto his back and staring at the bedframe above him. "yeah," he says quietly.

"i think..." seongwu trails off uncertainly. "i think i'm gonna talk to him. i think i'm gonna tell him."

daniel doesn't say anything.

"it's just..." seongwu sighs. "the interviews today. they were... i don't know. they made me start thinking about this stuff differently, i guess. i don't wanna... i don't wanna waste this time. i feel like we've been given this opportunity to meet each other. i mean... all of us, but me and him are part of that, right?. i feel like... i don't know. if i don't tell him, then... i'm wasting that. maybe it's dumb, i just... i really feel like we were meant to... not to be together, but at least to be in each other's lives. i'd just... i'd feel like an idiot if i didn't try."

daniel rolls back onto his side again, chewing that over. he doesn't really have an answer. should he tell seongwu it isn't worth it? should he tell him it's dangerous, that he's risking his friendship with minhyun, that he could be making a huge mistake? it feels disingenuous not to warn him about minhyun's perspective on these things before he goes into it.

but more than that, it feels wrong to tell him not to do it at all. it feels wrong to say that it's guaranteed not to work out, just because it didn't work out for daniel. who knows what will happen for them? and a part of him ___wants___ it to work out for them, if only just so that someone at least can be happy.

"i understand," he mumbles into the dark. "i hope it works out, hyung. really. you two deserve each other."

he hears seongwu shift around some more above him. "thanks, niel," he says softly. "i appreciate it."

seongwu falls asleep shortly after that, but daniel is awake for much longer. he wishes there was something he could do to help, something he could do to give it that little subtle nudge, but there really isn't anything. he has a feeling he knows how minhyun will respond, and he hates that seongwu is probably going to get hurt by this. it probably won't be the same as it was for daniel, but... still. it doesn't feel good, knowing that a friend will probably be hurt, and knowing that there's nothing he can do to stop it.

he sleeps poorly that night, and only for a little. he tosses and turns and wakes up what feels like every twenty minutes. he's awake well before their alarm goes off in the morning, and he has to drag himself from bed with even more effort than usual. seongwu doesn't look much more rested than he does, but at least he got the full hours of sleep.

they're at the film studio today, filming more vcrs for the final concert, but at least these ones don't require any speaking, just looking into the camera and dramatically walking. it still takes far too long, and leaves daniel with far too much time on his hands when he isn't actively on camera. everyone is still in a quiet, somber mood, so he tries to stay out of the way, rather than clinging to the younger ones and encouraging their louder sides.

he sits in a corner and flips through pictures of his cats, downloads and plays another stupid app game that he'll probably delete later, tries to listen to music, watches cat videos, tries to take a nap. nothing holds his attention. he feels restless and lonely and tired, but even the nap doesn't come easily. every nearby noise jolts him back to wakefulness, and he can't get comfortable enough to really fall asleep anyway.

he gives up eventually and shoves his earbuds back in, praying that some gentle music will help a little, but he's only sitting there for a minute or so before he can feel someone near him, and his eyes pop open to see minhyun crouch down and sit next to him.

"hi," he says, snuggling up close. he's so clingy, daniel thinks, but it's not unwelcome. he could really use a hug right now. "what are you doing?"

"nothing," daniel says. "trying to nap. i don't know."

minhyun hums quietly. "you've been in a bad mood the past few days," he murmurs. "do you wanna talk about it?"

daniel glances over at the main area of the studio where they've set up tables and chairs for them to relax while they wait their turns. it's far enough away that none of them will be able to hear, but he's not really willing to risk it.

"i'm okay," he says softly. "just tired. yesterday... you know."

"mm, your bad mood didn't start yesterday, though," minhyun says. he rests his head on daniel's shoulder, comfortable and gentle. "is it about what i think it's about?"

daniel doesn't want to talk about this. even beyond the fear of someone overhearing, he doesn't want to discuss this. he doesn't want to hear how stupid he was, ___again.___ he knows. he's aware. he doesn't need it brought up again.

"it doesn't matter," he says. "i don't wanna talk about it."

minhyun sighs. "i warned you," he murmurs. "i didn't want you to get hurt."

"yeah, well," daniel mumbles. "'i told you so' doesn't really help right now, hyung. sorry."

minhyun is quiet for a second, and then picks his head up, wrapping his arms around daniel's bicep in an awkward hug. "i'm sorry, niel," he says, so quietly. "i didn't mean it like that. i'm just worried about you. you haven't been acting yourself."

daniel drops his head down to his chest, crossing his arms loosely. "i haven't really been feeling myself," he confesses.

"i'm so sorry, niellie," minhyun says, nuzzling their heads together gently. "i know it hurts. it'll pass, i promise. he cares about you, he really does. he's just... bad at showing it. and he's afraid."

daniel snorts, wry and sarcastic. "yeah, i know," he says. "he told me. he was ___protecting___ me. i don't need protecting. it's not like i don't know the risks. i wouldn't have brought it up if i felt unsure about all that."

minhyun reaches up to fix daniel's hair carefully. "that's not really what i mean," he says, after a second. "but he would have to be the one to explain it to you."

"he's already explained plenty," daniel says. "i don't really need to hear anything else from him. i know how he feels. he's done enough."

"i understand why you're hurt," minhyun says. "but i think you're missing part of the picture. there's more going on here than you realize."

"like what?" daniel asks, exasperated. "if it's as simple as explaining it, then why couldn't he do that before? he has nothing left to hide. i've told him everything. i made myself so vulnerable to him, and then... it's not like he just rejected me. it's not like he just said sorry, don't feel that way. he made me feel like... like i did something ___wrong,___ like he ___hated___ me, and it took him days to explain and even then he couldn't give me a real apology, he just kept telling me that i shouldn't feel like this, and i should just pretend it wasn't happening. how am i supposed to do that? why couldn't he have just said he doesn't feel the same and then we could have moved on?"

minhyun sighs. "because that's not... you don't know everything, niel. you should talk to him again. i promise, he's not upset with you. he's upset with himself more than anything. he knows he hurt you but he still doesn't get that the way he did it wasn't... the best."

"well, i'm tired of explaining myself to him," daniel mumbles. "i'm tired of listening to him tell me that i need to pretend this doesn't exist. he doesn't need to put himself in my shoes to understand why that's a shitty thing to say. i'm just... tired."

"i know, niel," minhyun says. "i know. i understand. but you can't give up on this friendship. you two care about each other so much. this is exactly what i didn't want to happen."

"then ___you___ fix it, hyung," daniel says. "you make him talk to me and... tell me what it is that he really means, or whatever you're saying. i tried, okay? i really did. i was honest with him and i told him the truth and he just... kept saying the same thing. no matter what. he doesn't care. i don't know what else to tell you."

"niel," minhyun whispers. "that's not true. he cares about you. he cares about you so much -- too much. that's the problem. he knows he's hurting you but he thinks he's doing the right thing and that it'll be better for you in the end and he doesn't understand that it's... not."

daniel closes his eyes, drops his head back against the wall. "hyung," he says. "don't take this the wrong way, but nothing you're saying is helping right now. none of this makes me feel better. if you're right and that's what's going on, then he should be able to come tell me himself instead of... i don't know. hiding behind you."

minhyun nuzzles their heads together again. "i know, daniel," he says. "i know. i'm sorry. i just want to help. i don't want to see you hurting. anything i can do to help is... it's worth it."

they just sit there for a few seconds, minhyun holding onto him and resting his head against daniel's, cuddling him close gently. it feels nice to be held by someone, to just let someone else take care of him for a little, but he still feels like he just got run over. he's tired, and he wants to go home. he wants to see his cats, his mom, and just.. be away from everyone for a little. and then he wants to come back and have everything go back to normal.

"hyung," he mumbles after a while, when minhyun has stilled and let his head fall back onto daniel's shoulder again.

"mm?" minhyun asks softly, not moving from his pillow.

daniel takes a deep, shaky breath. "do you really think there's no way things like this can work out? do you really think it just... doesn't work? because of who we are and what we do?"

minhyun sighs quietly. "i don't know, daniel," he murmurs. "it's hard. i'm sure... i'm sure it's worked for people before. but we don't exactly have examples to follow. it's never going to be easy, even when... even when it's a man and a woman, it's going to be complicated. there's always that uncertainty, or that fear of backlash. and things like this... they're even harder. you go into it knowing that you're never going public, even if you have stability and safety later on. and that puts such a toll on everyone involved. on you and them and on anyone who finds out. it's so hard to... to stay together, during something like that."

daniel chews the inside of his cheek in silence for another moment. "you sound like you've tried," he says.

minhyun shifts a little -- whether from discomfort with the statement or just with sitting on the floor, daniel doesn't know. "i think everyone like us has tried before," he says. "there's more than you'd expect, people just... well, obviously they don't advertise it, but. it's just so hard to keep up with. you never have enough time for each other. there's always something pulling you away from each other, and you can never be comfortable enough in public or in front of others to be open about it. it always has to be behind... not even closed doors, they've got to be locked, and you have to be sure there are no fans who could ever find out, and you have to be so... so careful. no relationship should be like that. you should never be afraid of loving someone."

"that's so pessimistic," daniel says. "to think that it just... can't work."

"i didn't say that," minhyun says. "it just takes a lot of negotiation. and it takes a lot of effort from behind the scenes, where no one else can see you, and that's... it's hard for people. especially people who haven't had much chance to try relationships at all, let alone relationships like this. you're always scared. i wish it wasn't like that, but..."

"but there has to be a way," daniel says. "you can't just give up. i mean... if you care about someone enough to even try, then you just say it's too hard. if you care about them that much, then... wouldn't you want to put in every bit of effort you have? even if it's scary? even if it might not work out?"

"you and seongwu are so similar," minhyun says. "he and i were talking about something like this just the other day, and he basically said the same thing." daniel winces inwardly, but minhyun doesn't seem to notice anything. "i'll tell you what i told him," he says. "if you really... if you genuinely think someone is worth all that risk and effort and all that pain, because there will be pain, and there'll probably be a lot of it, then... i guess it's worth the shot. but that's a call you have to make for yourself, and at the same time it's not one you can make on your own. both halves have to be onboard for this, or else it'll just end with one person putting in all the effort and never getting the return they feel they deserve."

"that's stupid," daniel says. he leans his head against minhyun's, frustrated and tired and upset and stupidly emotional. "that's just... it's stupid. it's not fair. aren't we people, too?"

"we are," minhyun agrees. "but we're nowhere near the point we need to be for people to really get it. things are better than they used to be, in some ways, but in others it's... it's worse. it's never going to be perfect. like i said, you just... have to decide if all that work is worth it."

daniel lets that swirl around in his head for a while, and then finally says, "... i think it would have been worth it. i knew it wasn't going to be easy, but... i still wanted to try. i still wanted to do it. even with all that, it would have been worth it."

minhyun lifts his head, pulls daniel's down so he can place a gentle kiss on the top. it's a warm, comforting feeling. it makes daniel miss his mom, at the same time that it makes him feel a little better. "that's because you're a romantic," minhyun says. "i wish everyone could see it the way you do, niel. maybe then things would be a little easier. i'm sorry that they're not."

daniel closes his eyes and snuggles in closer to minhyun again. "i'm sorry, too, hyung," he murmurs. "for whatever didn't work out for you."

minhyun slides an arm around daniel's back, rubbing his arm gently in a soft hug. "it's not your fault," he murmurs. "we... we tried. we did our best. some things just aren't meant to work out."

"i don't believe that," daniel says. "if you work hard enough, you can make anything work. you can't give up on things and then get upset when they don't turn out the way you want. that's not how it works. if... if the other person decides they don't want to work as hard as you are, then that's not... it's not fate, or whatever, it's just... shitty. that's all. there's always a way."

"mmm," minhyun says. "but you can't make the other person change their mind. no matter how bad you want it, you can't force someone to see things your way."

"that's not what i mean," daniel says. "but... you can at least try to make them understand your side. if it doesn't work then... that's not your fault. like you said, you can't force it. but you can't just give up and then say it was never meant to be."

"you also can't push yourself so hard that you burn out, niel," minhyun says. "there has to be a point where you step back and say... this is enough. i can't do anymore. i've put in all the effort i have."

daniel shakes his head. "that's not how things work for me. there's always something more i can do. it's never enough to just say i'm done trying."

minhyun is quiet for a second, and then he says, "didn't you just say not too long ago that you were done explaining yourself?"

"that's..." daniel stops, stumbles over his words. "that's not what i... i mean i tried that already, there's no point repeating the same thing over and over if..."

"that's exactly my point," minhyun says. "there's no point trying to do the same things five hundred times if there's never a change in the result. and you said you disagreed, that for you there's always a little more effort left in you."

"because..." daniel frowns. he's kind of caught in this one. he meant it when he said he was tired of explaining, but... when minhyun puts it like that, he feels bad. that doesn't sound like him. that doesn't at all sound like the kind of message he's tried to spread, that as long as you stay positive and work hard and devote yourself, then one day you'll find yourself where you always wanted to be.

is it really that simple? this is different, isn't it? they're not together, so daniel can't really say that he can just keep pushing and eventually things will turn out right. but... maybe minhyun's right, about not giving up on this friendship. sungwoon hurt him, but wasn't he genuinely apologetic? even if he was in the wrong, even if he still doesn't seem to understand how badly he hurt daniel, that doesn't make him a bad person, does it? it doesn't mean that he hates daniel, that he doesn't want to be friends, that they aren't allowed to make mistakes or that friends never hurt each other.

maybe daniel's shut that door a little too quickly. it doesn't need to be perfect, but... maybe he can leave the door open just a crack, in case sungwoon decides he wants to come by. if he's honest, he'd welcome even the softest knock. he misses him that badly, even with all the pain.

minhyun is still waiting patiently for daniel's answer, but he still doesn't know what to say. he looks down at his lap, letting his back relax out of its stiff, straight line, and murmurs, "maybe."

he's not looking at him, but he can hear minhyun's smile in his voice. "all i want is for you to be happy," he murmurs. "i won't ask you to keep getting hurt, but if there's any chance that you can find it in you to forgive him, and give him another chance to be your friend, then... i think you should let it happen. it'll be better for you both in the long run, not to cut each other off when there's still so much love here."

daniel flinches a little. "don't call it that," he mumbles. "that's not the right word for it."

"it is," minhyun argues. "whether you mean the same thing by it is another matter, but it's definitely love. on both your parts, no matter what. between all of us, it's love."

daniel takes a deep breath -- maybe it is. maybe sungwoon's version of it doesn't make sense to daniel, but it's not like daniel's version of it makes sense to sungwoon, either. it's not like daniel's version of it makes sense to minhyun, or even like daniel's and seongwu's versions make sense to each other. it's never going to be perfect, and it's never going to match up exactly, but they have to find a way to meet in the middle. that much at least, daniel thinks he can manage.

it may still hurt, but... that much, at least. he can try.

* * *

it would be a stretch to say things go back to normal after that, but at least once the filming for the final concerts ends they all feel a little lighter. at least that isn't the primary thing weighing on their minds anymore. they have special performances for end of year shows coming up, and that means long practices and even longer nights spent after practice, endlessly repeating the same motions and trying to perfect them.

daniel stays latest of them all, always willing to hang back with whoever just isn't getting it, trying to make sure they all can nail each move and avoid getting yelled at again the next day. woojin is better at the dances than he is, but daniel's a more patient teacher, better at walking them through the motions and making sure they understand the big points, the moves they have to nail so that they can fudge the rest a little if they forget or can't keep up.

there's one night he's there even later than usual, only three days after his conversation with minhyun, when more than half of them are holed up in the practice room, hunched around the video daniel's taken on his phone while he points out all their individual mistakes. minhyun looks frustrated, jaehwan looks lost, guanlin looks determined, and sungwoon...

to be honest, daniel doesn't really know why sungwoon is here. he wasn't going to turn him away, determined to at least bridge the gap a little, but he's got this dance down already. he doesn't need daniel's help at all.

in fact, he's helping the others more than anything, guiding minhyun's hips gently from behind him. daniel tries not to stare at them in the mirror, tries not to think about the familiar way they touch each other. being jealous is pointless now. minhyun's made his opinions very clear and daniel doubts sungwoon's any more likely to see minhyun in that light than he is daniel.

still, it stings a little, in a way he's not sure he'll ever be able to really get rid of. he feels bad, but being near sungwoon still hurts. he can't quite look him in the eyes, can't stand too close. when guanlin groans and says he's giving up, the others follow suit, and daniel stays in the center of the practice room, stretching his worn and tired muscles, while the others pack up their things and get ready to go home.

"can we grab dinner on the way back?" guanlin asks, with big, pleading eyes. as if any of them can resist his requests anyway, he still thinks he needs to turn on that big baby charm to get his way.

"i could go for that," sungwoon says.

minhyun sighs, though, wiggling into his thick coat and wrapping a scarf around his neck. "seongwu said he needed to talk tonight. i don't think i can make it."

oh. well. daniel wasn't sure if seongwu would actually go through with it after all, but... maybe it shouldn't surprise him. he's nothing if not committed to his stupid plans.

"i'm too tired, guanlinnie," jaehwan says. "maybe next time." he certainly sounds tired, voice quiet and muted, but that's not unusual. as much as he's improved, he still has to put in so much work to catch up to the rest of them.

guanlin turns his big eyes on daniel, those innocent, desperate eyes. "niel hyung?" he practically begs.

dinner alone with guanlin and... sungwoon. as much as daniel would love to treat their youngest, he doesn't think he's ready for that yet. he can feel minhyun watching him, probably waiting for him to either blanch away completely or jump at the chance.

well, daniel won't give him the satisfaction. "not this time, guanlinnie," he says. "sorry. i think it's better if everyone just goes home and gets some rest."

guanlin pouts, but daniel only feels a little bad. they're all still a little out of sorts, as days tick by and the inevitable creeps closer and closer. it's strange and uncomfortable, having known that this day would come and never really realizing how difficult it was going to be. they could never have predicted getting this close, this familiar with each other. it's hard, and daniel can't help noticing that some of them have started distancing themselves, as if that will somehow make it easier when things finally come to an end for real.

he hopes no one thinks that's what he's trying to do right now, but it's probably a better excuse than the truth. being alone with sungwoon just sounds like too much right now. he's not ready to go back to before, even if he's trying so hard to forgive him.

in the end, daniel makes up some excuse of running through some solo choreo a few more times and hangs back. as tired as he is, he just needs some time to himself, away from the others in the van and seongwu in his room. he's not really looking forward to getting woken up in the middle of the night, either, when seongwu inevitably crashes into their room to tell him what happened.

he sits in the middle of the floor a little longer with a soft, slow playlist buzzing through his earbuds as he stretches. his muscles ache like he hasn't danced in a week, but when he climbs to his feet finally, the movements come to him so easy and smooth, even without the proper music playing in his ears. he runs through a few old routines just to get his mind off of things before he switches the music and slides into the choreo for the upcoming stage.

it's effortless, dance. it's like second nature, just muscle memory and timing, spinning himself across the floor and into artful lines and big, sweeping movements. when he hit his growth spurts, all his teachers stopped praising his dedication and his hard work and his long hours of practice and started focusing on his long legs and big shoulders and perfect proportions. it's strange to think back on now.

he has the music up loud, and he runs through the entire routine twice with his eyes closed, just to see if he can. he doesn't run into any walls, which is an accomplishment, but when he pulls his earbuds out there's soft applause from the corner of the room, and he jumps so bad he nearly slips and falls on his ass until he sees sungwoon propped against the wall in the back corner.

"hyung," he says, a little breathless from the exertion, a little from the shock. "what are you doing here?"

"it didn't seem right leaving you here by yourself," sungwoon says. "and minhyun and seongwu were planning to have their talk in my room, so. i didn't really wanna be there for that."

daniel doesn't blame him for that, but he's not sure how that translates into hiding in the back of the practice room, watching daniel spin through solo choreography without saying a word.

"i haven't seen you do that one yet," sungwoon says. "it's good. you look like you've got it already."

daniel rubs at the sweat on the back of his neck. "i mean... i'd hope so. performance is soon. i'd be running out of time if i didn't."

sungwoon slowly gets to his feet, shoving his hands deep in his jacket pockets. "yeah," he says, quiet, thoughtful. "guess so."

he snags a water bottle off the floor and walks into the center of the room, holding it out for daniel to take. daniel stares at it for a second, then looks up at sungwoon's face, uncertain.

"it's just water," sungwoon says. "you need to stay hydrated."

daniel looks back down and takes the bottle, twisting the top off and turning away to drink. it's a long, awkward silence. he's not looking at him, but from the corner of his eye he can feel sungwoon watching him, and he doesn't know whether to be flattered or uncomfortable or just... confused.

he downs half the bottle in one go and then stands there, swishing around what's left in his mouth. he doesn't know why he's so anxious to move. after another second of quiet, sungwoon says, "... it's also a peace offering. and an apology."

daniel stands very still, swallows the last of the water in his mouth, and then breathes out slow between his teeth. "a... peace offering?" he asks, voice barely above a whisper.

sungwoon nods, just a vague movement in daniel's periphery. "i don't wanna fight anymore," he says, so quiet. "i don't wanna keep... telling you the things i've been trying to tell you. i don't want to hurt you. i... i miss you too much, niel. i can't live with myself if i keep... doing this to you."

daniel turns back to face him, but keeps his eyes down as he recaps the water bottle. he doesn't know what to say -- doesn't even know where to start. there's so much he wants to communicate, and yet... absolutely no way to make it make sense.

"do you even know what it is that hurt me?" he asks finally. "do you even understand why i was upset?"

sungwoon hesitates. "i... i mean. i didn't... we don't feel the same way. you thought... you misunderstood what my intentions were, and i..."

daniel shakes his head. "it's not that, hyung. you know it isn't. it's not about... my feelings. i could have dealt with it if you just... told me you didn't feel the same. it's not like i didn't question it myself before i brought it up. i went into it knowing there was a chance you would reject me, but... i wanted to say it anyway, because it felt like i was going to explode and... i couldn't watch all this stuff end and know that i'd never even tried to talk to you about it."

"you didn't cry the other day until i said... i mean, flat out," sungwoon says.

"i'm not saying that didn't hurt, hyung," daniel mumbles. he's still looking at the floor. "i'm just saying that... that's not something you can control. but you could absolutely control how you... how you talked to me about it."

sungwoon doesn't respond.

daniel shakes his hair out of his eyes, wipes sweat from his forehead with the collar of his shirt. "i already told you. what hurt was the way you ran away from me. what hurt was how you... you acted like i had done something wrong by bringing it up. you told me i should just pretend it never happened. you wouldn't even have a conversation with me. and the other day, when we talked, you just... you kept saying the ___same___ thing, you kept insisting that you were right, but you should have been... nicer about it, or something. why can't you understand that the way you talked to me hurt so much more than the actual rejection itself?"

sungwoon's breath is loud and shaky. "i never meant it like that, niel," he whispers. "please trust me, i never meant for it to come out that way. all i wanted was... i know you won't believe it, but i just... panicked. not because... not because i thought what you were saying was... ___wrong,___ or inappropriate, or any of that, just because... i didn't want you to feel that way for me when i know how much danger it puts you in. and i just... i said those things without thinking. right then, all i could think about was scaring you off from ever bringing it up again. i didn't... i didn't realize it was as serious as it is. i thought it was just a crush, or..."

he trails off, and daniel finally looks up at him. he looks so desperate, and so... upset. daniel doesn't doubt he really means it, but unfortunately it doesn't make it hurt any less.

"well," he says. "it wasn't. it's not. it was a crush before we... did all that. before you started treating me differently. like i was special to you."

"you are special to me," sungwoon says. he reaches out, putting a hand on daniel's wrist, and it takes all of daniel's strength not to step back out of his reach, at the same time that just that tiny touch makes him crave so much more. "daniel. you are. you're one of my best friends. you mean so much more to me than i could explain."

"but not as more than a friend," daniel says. "that's... that's fine, hyung, i don't... i won't say i don't care, but that's not the ___problem.___ the problem is that you keep treating this like i'm some dumb kid crushing on someone way out of his league, instead of... like i'm your friend and you just don't feel the same way about me."

"i'm sorry, niel," sungwoon says. "i don't know what else to say. i can't make you believe me. i can't... justify what i did any more than i already have. i don't expect you to forgive me. i just... i don't want to end everything off like this. i don't want us all to move out and for you to still hate me."

"i don't hate you!" daniel snaps. he pulls his hand away, crossing his arms defensively over his chest again. "i never hated you. i was hurt. i'm still hurt. don't... don't make accusations like that."

"i'm sorry," sungwoon says again, softer this time. "i just miss you. i miss messing around and bugging everyone with you. i miss just... hanging out. i miss sitting next to you in the van and falling asleep together. you don't have to forgive everything i said, but... can we at least try to move past this? i'll do whatever i can to make it up to you. i don't want to lose your friendship."

every word of that hurts. he still doesn't realize how all of this looks, how ___romantic___ it is, how soft and gentle and sweet it is. he doesn't realize that it's exactly all the things like those that first sparked the beginning of daniel's feelings, long before they ever touched each other.

but daniel misses him, too. he misses those things just as much -- probably more. he misses their shared sense of humor, the easy way they get along, the way sungwoon looks after him so carefully and quietly, the way daniel can support him and stand behind him and boost him up from the background.

"i don't want that either," he mumbles, dropping his gaze back to the floor. "i just..."

"i know, you're hurt," sungwoon says. "believe me, i know. and if i could, i'd go back and stop myself from saying all those things. i... i care about you, daniel. do you understand that?"

"yes, hyung," daniel says. "it doesn't change that i--"

and suddenly sungwoon's in his space, stepping close, cupping daniel's face in his hands and turning it upwards so they can look in each other's eyes. he's so close, daniel can feel the soft warmth coming from his jacket, and the residual heat in his fingers burns into daniel's skin.

for a second, daniel holds his breath. for a second, he thinks sungwoon is going to lean in and kiss him.

"daniel," sungwoon whispers. "i care about you so much. please understand that. please. i don't care if you forgive me or if you never want to be friends again, as long as you ___know___ that i care about you, and that i would ___never___ have said those things if i'd realized how badly they would hurt you. just please tell me you understand that."

daniel wants to cry, or pull sungwoon in for a tight, endless hug, or maybe just an overdramatic kiss. all three sound equally appealing and awful.

"hyung," he mumbles. his voice wavers a little, but he's not going to cry over sungwoon, cry in front of sungwoon, again.

"daniel," sungwoon says back, so gently. "big, sweet daniel. please tell me you know that i care about you."

"i..." daniel has to stop and clear his throat, take a long, uncomfortable, shaky breath. "i know, hyung," he whispers.

how could he not? sungwoon hurt him, yes, but daniel's hurt people he cared about before. of course he knows sungwoon cares. of course he misses him, of course he wants their friendship back. he wants more, of course, but... this will have to do for now. he thinks he can live with that.

sungwoon lets go of daniel's face, but only long enough to reach up further and wrap his arms around his neck, pulling him down for a hug. daniel slides his arms around sungwoon's middle and tries not to think about how comfortable it is, holding him this close, feeling their bodies press up against each other so perfectly. it'll be okay. it'll be fine. he doesn't need all the rest. he can live without it. he really can. all that matters is that he hasn't lost sungwoon completely.

where they go from there... well, everything will work out in the end. as long as daniel believes that, they'll be fine.

* * *

backstage in the last days of december, daniel fidgets and adjusts and readjusts his mic a hundred times. they're not even singing live -- they rarely are, and daniel even less than the others, but he can't help being anxious. there's always this lingering fear that it'll somehow get turned on, or that he's wound up with the wrong headset, despite the staff's careful labeling.

standing in place, he rapidly runs through the end of the routine, which has had to be last minute adjusted to the size of the stage. he feels unprepared, and there's nothing worse than standing on stage and thinking he's about to let people down. he has to get this, and it has to be perfect. this is one of their last stages ever (he can count them individually in his head now, they've dwindled down so much) and he can't let down the fans. he can't let down the choreographer, or the rest of his members, or his mom watching at home, or--

"good luck, hyung," daehwi chirps as he passes by, flashing a bright smile and a thumbs up. daniel shoots back the gesture, but it feels half-hearted and weak. oh god, he's going to mess up. he's going to step three steps too far, too buried in his own muscle memory, and fall right off the stage and probably injure some poor camera worker, and the entire show will be ruined. there'll be gifs of it in twenty minutes, and a trending pann post by tomorrow.

"hey," a quiet voice says by his shoulder, and he nearly jumps out of his skin until he looks down and sees sungwoon there.

"hyung," he whines. "stop it. i'm nervous. don't freak me out like that."

"then don't be so nervous," sungwoon teases. "what do you have to be nervous about? nation's sweetheart, kang daniel. you could trip and everyone would assume it was a choreographed fall. everyone would be on the fancafe in minutes, talking about how pretty niel oppa looks when he somersaults off the stage."

daniel doesn't like how closely sungwoon's words echo his own thoughts. he frowns and looks away quickly. "we had to re-choreograph the end," he mumbles. "like an hour ago. i'm still not used to it. i've only been able to run through it all the way once, and never on the actual stage."

"oh, and of course that means you'll fail miserably," sungwoon says. "when has kang daniel ever had to wing anything? everyone knows you fold under pressure."

daniel huffs. "i'm serious!" he says. "hyung, please. i need to focus. you're distracting me."

"hey," sungwoon says, softer, gentler. he puts a hand on daniel's elbow. "it's gonna be okay. you're gonna be fine. i saw you do this routine before, and you were literally doing it with your eyes closed. don't freak out. that's not you. kang daniel doesn't panic, right?"

daniel stands there for a second, trying to process anything he just said, but it's hard to focus through the near burning sensation of sungwoon's hand on his arm. he can't help glancing down, then back up at sungwoon's face.

sungwoon freezes, face going carefully empty for a second, and then he steps back, dropping his hand to his side. "sorry," he murmurs. "but i mean it. you'll be fine."

daniel... doesn't like that. not sungwoon's reassurance, just the uncomfortable way they have to filter it now. they're friends again, yes, but it's awkward and stilted and restrained. they're both holding themselves back, each fearful of pushing the other too far.

but they're trying. he supposes that should count for something.

"thanks, hyung," he says back, just as quiet.

for a moment, they just stare at each other. sungwoon has a look on his face like he wants to say something, and finally he does open his mouth, only for a staff member to come up behind daniel and start ushering him out to the stage. daniel just barely catches a glimpse of sungwoon's face shutting down to neutrality, but he throws a wave and a thumbs up over his shoulder and hopes it communicates enough of what he wishes he could say.

in the end, he doesn't fall off the stage. he's alone on the stage and he nails every move like he's done them a thousand times, even the end, where he has to cut his movements short and stand for a beat longer than necessary. that one second seems to stretch forever, just him alone in the lights, the crowd silent around him, the music fading, the world pausing. he breathes, trying to keep the movements of his chest even and slow until the music picks back up again and he can throw himself back into the dance.

at the very end, the lights dim on his end pose, and the other members pour out onto the stage for their group performance. daniel holds his pose in place, just trying to breathe and calm his pounding heart back to normal. a hand slides along his lower back, and someone whispers, quiet and familiar, "told you you'd be fine."

daniel doesn't dare turn his head, but he knows who it is, and it puts a warmth to his cheeks that he wishes he could will away. when the lights come back up, he's still blushing a little, but thankfully it's hidden behind makeup and bright, unflattering lights and the filters over the cameras.

somehow, he finds it in him to dance even harder than before, with the rest of them onstage with him. it's less lonely, more familiar. he's come to know these people as his best friends over the last year and a half, and all he can think as he lip syncs along to the lyrics is that... he isn't ready for this to end.

they have one more song to do, and daniel does his best to keep his energy up the whole time. he's panting hard halfway through, sweating at the bridge, and close to falling over by the end, although that's less from exhaustion and more from the dizziness of spinning in place. the lights going down is almost a gift as much as it is a curse, the end of one more stage on the ever shortening list of commitments.

backstage, he falls into the first chair he sees and takes a water bottle from whichever staff member reaches him quickest. he downs the entire thing in one go, and takes the next one offered to him without looking.

seongwu passes by, patting him on the knee as he goes and asking, "you okay?" daniel nods in reply, but doesn't open his eyes, just leans his head back against the wall and keeps breathing.

they must be cutting to commercials, airing one of daniel's ads out in the arena for the audience. after all this time, it's still strange to hear his own voice like that, echoing through the crowds. he can't even really remember the filming for this particular one anymore.

he finishes his second water bottle while a staff member pats down his face, carefully removing the sweat with a dry towel. someone presses a cold pack to the back of his neck, jolting him into sitting up. he nearly knocks his face into one of the makeup staff's brushes, and looks up to the side to see sungwoon standing there, pressing the cold pack gently against his neck.

"sorry," he says. "i keep surprising you, huh?"

daniel takes a deep breath, not really sure what to make of that statement. "guess so," he murmurs. "just announce yourself, maybe i won't nearly lose an eye next time."

"you look good with an eyepatch," sungwoon says. "i think it'd work out."

daniel doesn't know what to say to that. he looks away, letting the staff reapply his makeup with practiced motions.

"you okay?" sungwoon asks softly. "you looked pretty beat when we came off the stage."

daniel nods quickly, tugging his hair out of his eyes, as far as it will go with all the hairspray. "i'm fine," he says. "didn't realize how exhausting it would be to do all of those in a row."

"you did good," sungwoon murmurs. "you should be proud. everyone loved it."

the makeup girl finishes with his makeup, and a manager steps in, grabbing him by the elbow and helping him to his feet. sungwoon has to reach a little to keep the cold press on the back of daniel's neck, but he doesn't move his hand until daniel reaches up to take it. even then, he keeps his hand there as daniel's fingers slide over his, only pulling away when daniel has it fully under his grasp.

his fingers are warm despite the ice of the pack, and soft and dry against daniel's clammy hands. "thank you," daniel says quietly.

sungwoon smiles at him, gives him a light pat on the ass, and the manager starts to guide them both away, back to their seats or to the dressing room where they'll have to get their hair readjusted and put in place before they reappear for the crowd.

"don't mention it," sungwoon says. "i've got your back. you're not doing this alone, remember?"

daniel nods, and as weird and unplanned as all of this is... it's so comfortable. it's so familiar. it's so much better than pushing him away, and missing him, and keeping his distance, trying to keep things casual, trying to forget about everything that's ever been between them.

he can't pretend he doesn't want to pull sungwoon close right now, that he doesn't feel warm and cared for and that it doesn't make him want to kiss him, never mind all the people who could see. he practically aches with how badly he wants to wrap his arms around him and hold him against his chest and tell him that he loves him, that he appreciates everything sungwoon has ever done for him, that he forgives him for all his mistakes.

he doesn't do any of that, obviously. he's not going to push it, not going to make it harder on them. but they can still be friends. daniel can still look at sungwoon and smile, big but gentle and honest and with all the love in his heart, and he can still say, "i know, hyung. you're right here with me."

sungwoon smiles back, smaller, but it's got that little corner of his mouth quirking up that daniel loves so much. "good," he murmurs. "that's all i can ask."

and maybe it's all daniel needs.

* * *

they're on camera when midnight hits on the first of january, 2019. it's a weird way to ring in the new year. everyone around him cheers and throws their arms around each other. there's a group front and center wrapped around each other, jumping up and down in a circle. daniel has friends scattered all through the crowd of idols gathered on stage, and he could be saying hi to them, but he can't bring himself to tear away from his own group, his family, clustered together slightly off to the side.

he's not sure who starts it, but he's suddenly being crushed in an unexpected hug, one pair of arms around his middle and another around his shoulders. minhyun shoves his face into the back of daniel's shoulder, daehwi squeals as he's pressed against his front. he can hear jaehwan and sungwoon shrieking with laughter as the group closes ranks, crushing daniel and daehwi and minhyun in the middle.

it's a good moment. it's a good memory, he thinks, spending the end of the last year and the beginning of the next one with these people. he thinks they're going to need a lot of those -- memories, things they can hold onto as the next month or so goes by and things come to a close and they all move on. they're going to need them the entire year, probably, when they go back to their own companies and their own lives and their own groups, preparing to redebut or comeback or whatever the future holds for them.

and... if it really has to end, he's glad that it's ending this way. he's glad that daehwi and jinyoung aren't bickering, he's glad that there's been no controversy, no backlash over the last comeback. he's glad he made up with sungwoon, and that when they finally break apart from the giant group hug and start in on individual ones, he can throw his arms around sungwoon and hold him close and it doesn't have to ___hurt.___

when the cameras finally turn off and everyone starts shuffling backstage, daniel says his greetings and his thanks to his other friends, but he can't really unattach himself from the rest of his group. he's tugged along by some gravitational force at their center, unable to drift too far or hold a conversation with anyone else for too long.

they go out to dinner, and the staff pays for them, a welcome surprise. it's like a thank you and an apology and a hundred other little messages at once. sungwoon sits next to him, completely by chance, and daniel sneaks food off his plate the whole time. sungwoon definitely notices, but he says nothing, just smiling quietly to himself every time daniel snags another piece of meat.

the van ride home is still bubbling with excitement, but it dims as they get closer to the dorms. jisung falls asleep in the front, guanlin dropping off soon after. jaehwan and daehwi quiet their conversation when they notice, and the rest of the van comes to a hush pretty quickly after that. the heat in the van is cranked up high, like a big, cushiony blanket, and daniel has a hard time not succumbing to a light doze under the gentle haze of a big meal and a long day and the warmth of the air -- and the three or four drinks he had at dinner.

he wakes to a gentle shake of his shoulder, a whisper of his name. when he blinks his eyes open, sungwoon is leaning over the back of the seat in front of him, laughing gently. "you're drooling," he says. "that tired?"

daniel groans and stretches, loathe to get up when the van is so comfortable right now. "are we back already?"

"already," sungwoon scoffs. "just because you slept for the last half hour. c'mon, get up. let's get you upstairs, then you can fall asleep in bed and you won't even have to wake up early tomorrow. sound good?"

"carry me, hyung," daniel whines, letting his eyes fall shut again. "i don't wanna move." "big baby," sungwoon huffs. he gives daniel another shake. "no more sleeping till you've taken all that makeup off and changed out of those clothes. let's go."

daniel gets up, but he grumbles about it the whole time, leaning heavily against sungwoon as they walk into their building and head for the elevator. the air in between the van and the building is freezing, windy and blistering against their cheeks, but inside it's warm and comfortable, and they can finally start shedding their hats and gloves and scarves.

in the elevator, sungwoon stands in front of daniel and fixes his hair while daniel lets his head hang and tries not to drift off on the long ride up. quiet music plays in the background. sungwoon's fingers stop moving, his hand falls to rest against daniel's cheek. time seems to slow a little.

daniel picks his head up and meets sungwoon's eyes. there's... something there. it's something like that expression he saw on his face in the bathroom that time, conflicted and afraid and... daniel doesn't know what else.

"hyung?" he murmurs. "what's wrong?"

sungwoon doesn't look like he's breathing. he's staring at daniel, eyes a little wider than normal. there's hesitation and a little bit of fear in his face, and daniel doesn't know why, but he lifts his arms to pull him into a hug anyways.

except he doesn't have time, because as soon as daniel's hands hit his hips, sungwoon leans in and pushes their mouths together, soft and easy and gentle. it's not like the heated, open mouthed things from before -- it's careful, and halting, and hesitant. it's a little bit fearful, a little bit anxious, but it's real and it's happening and... daniel doesn't know why.

when sungwoon pulls away, daniel isn't panting or gasping for breath or clinging to sungwoon, afraid to let him go. he's just confused, and... a little bit hurt.

"hyung," he murmurs. "i think you've had too much to drink."

"i think i've had just enough," sungwoon says back. he reaches up to daniel's neck and pulls his head down until he can press their foreheads together. daniel lets him, even though he knows he shouldn't.

"we should get you upstairs," daniel says. "you should've paced yourself better at dinner."

"i'm not a lightweight, niel," sungwoon says. "i'm not drunk. i'm loosened up enough that i can finally stop worrying about all the stupid shit and just... do it."

daniel pulls back out of sungwoon's hold, biting his lip for a moment and looking down at the floor while he tries to compose himself. "hyung," he says finally. "i don't... i don't wanna... i'm not comfortable with that. you know why. we should just... get you up to your room, so you can sleep it off."

"i think we should go to your room," sungwoon says. he grabs hold of the front of daniel's jacket, staring up at him. "seongwu and minhyun will be in mine."

" _ _ _hyung,___ " daniel pleads, pushing him away lightly. "please. stop. i don't want this. i'm not comfortable. i just wanna go to bed. please. it's been a long night. i'm glad we're friends again but it doesn't mean... we can't do the rest of that stuff. you know that."

"i'm not trying to fuck, niel," sungwoon says. "but we can't talk if seongwu and minhyun are there."

daniel rubs his eyes, leaning his head back against the wall of the elevator. "i don't wanna talk about this," he says. "please, hyung. there's nothing to talk about. i just... we were doing so good, why are you pushing this?"

"daniel," sungwoon breathes. "are you listening? i'm not trying to fuck. but we do need to talk."

daniel opens his eyes, frowning down at sungwoon, who's stepped back into his space again. there is a little spark of heat, pupils dilated just a little, in sungwoon's eyes, but he's not touching daniel, and the rest of his face betrays no lust, only... something daniel can't name. that same emotion from before, from all those times before, that flash of fear and hesitation and so much more that daniel can't describe.

it hurts, seeing that expression back again, and he should probably tell him no. he probably shouldn't be in a room alone with him, a little buzzed and a lot sleepy. daniel's likely to make some poor decisions like that, although it makes no sense that sungwoon would suddenly be coming on to him when they've expended so much effort to keep it friendly and relaxed.

he takes a deep breath. what the fuck. it's a new year. it's the beginning of the rest of their lives, the end of this chapter. they're trying to fix things, right? daniel's not that gone, he has enough willpower to stop anything he decides is going too far.

more than anything, he thinks, he just needs to know what that expression on sungwoon's face means.

the elevator doors ding open on his floor. time's up. he sighs and stands up straight, much more awake than before, and murmurs, "okay, hyung."

sungwoon follows him into the dorm, where they kick their shoes off and shed their heavy coats and scarves. the shower is running, and there's quiet music drifting from jinyoung and daehwi's room, but daniel doesn't stop to knock or check in on them. he locks the door behind himself once they're inside his room.

sungwoon sits down heavily on the bed, immediately making himself at home. daniel looks over, then looks away, and rubs at his eyes before he takes his own seat in the swivel chair at the desk. maybe this would be more comfortable with them both on the bed, but the formality of the chair makes it less likely that anything weird will happen.

"okay," he says. "i'm listening."

sungwoon sucks on his bottom lip for a second, before heaving a heavy sigh and leaning back, propped up by his arms behind him. "first of all," he says. "i owe you an apology."

daniel really doesn't want to do this again. "you've already apologized, hyung," he says softly. "that's behind us now."

sungwoon shakes his head. "no it's not," he says. "not when... i never really properly explained myself."

"what are you talking about?" daniel asks. "you explained plenty. we had the same conversation twice. i'm pretty sure i get it. we really don't need to bring it up again."

sungwoon won't look at him, just staring up at the top bunk above him. "we kind of do," he says. "i didn't tell you everything."

daniel goes quiet. he has a feeling he's not going to like this.

sungwoon apparently takes that as permission, because he licks his lips, nervous, and then says, "i wasn't... i wasn't lying, when i said i was trying to protect you. i really meant that. i know... how dangerous it is, for someone to try to do that. with anyone. with us it just... would have been even worse. the consequences of someone finding out are... way worse than the regular thing would be."

nothing daniel doesn't know already, but he doesn't interrupt. sungwoon didn't beg to talk to him just to rehash the same thing he's already said twice before.

"i..." sungwoon stops, shakes his head and closes his eyes. "i've never... said any of this out loud. to anyone. okay? so it's... a big deal. for me. so just take it easy on me. i'm sorry if this takes a while."

daniel's starting to get anxious, losing track of where this conversation is really going. "it's okay, hyung," he says. "take your time."

sungwoon nods. "here's the thing. when... no. i guess... before this whole thing started. i always... i knew there was something... i mean, i knew you and i weren't really... we didn't have the same relationship that we do with everyone else. even with minhyun, it wasn't... it was a little different. he's my best friend, but it wasn't... i don't know. there was something else, with you."

okay. this is starting to get severely uncomfortable.

"i didn't... i didn't wanna think about it," sungwoon says. "i've always... i mean, messing around is just kind of normal for me. i don't know. it's not that i thought there was anything wrong with it, i just... never ___felt___ it. there was never anyone that made me... want anything more. i assumed that either it just wasn't a thing for me, or i was just really, really lucky because at least now i would never have to deal with all that... danger, and shit. and then... you show up."

"hyung, where is this going?" daniel asks softly. he can hear his voice shaking a little, and he doesn't like it.

"you're the one who told me to take my time," sungwoon says. he won't look at daniel. "let me work my way through it, okay? anyway, i knew... i mean, you're big, you've got a goofy smile, you're funny, we get along, you're hot as hell. i kind of expected it would happen, but then minhyunnie and i got started doing stuff and that just turned into a regular thing and i didn't wanna mess with that because it was casual and good and i didn't need to worry that like... something more needed to happen. but i guess... i don't know. i guess it would've worked out better if you and i had just fucked it out of our systems back then, because suddenly one day i looked at you and... it wasn't just... i didn't just wanna pull you into bed and ride you till you passed out. it was... different."

he takes a deep breath, and flops back on the bed all the way, legs hanging off the edge. "i felt so... confused. i don't know. i think i spent so long thinking, 'oh yeah, i'd tap that, there's just never enough time,' and it turned into this soft spot that turned into... this. until i was looking at you and all i could think about was how bad i wanted to take care of you, and watch stupid movies with you, and let you laugh at how bad i am at video games, and introduce you to my friends, and... like five thousand other things."

he's saying these things, but daniel's having a hard time processing them. he can't see his face like this, between the awkward angle and the way his arms crossed over his chest partially block it from view. "i thought maybe if we just finally got around to fucking, it'd go away," he goes on. "so i started flirting harder, but it didn't go away. you were so sweet, and you got so flustered at the same time, it was so... cute. it just made me wanna take care of you even more. i wanted to kiss you, in that bathroom, but i didn't. and then i did kiss you, right here, and you were so... i didn't expect you to be that experienced, and it threw me off. you weren't this cute little puppy i needed to take care of, you were this big guy who could probably keep up with me if you just... got the right nudge.

"so then i texted you, in japan," he says. "and i turned down minhyun, which was weird for me, because i spent so long trying to focus on that and not complicate it by adding you into the mix. and then we fucked and you were so..." he pauses, searching for words for a long time, what feels like a full minute.

"so perfect," he says finally, at a whisper. "it was everything i pictured except better, because you just... you gave me everything i could have possibly asked of you. you were literally everything. and i was so comfortable with you, in bed afterwards, and i honestly didn't even think about what it would look like when i bought you breakfast, i just... felt like i owed you something. i felt like you deserved something more for putting up with me dragging you around and trying to figure my shit out. and that's... that's kind of when i knew. when i woke up and saw you drooling on the other pillow and about to fall off the bed, and you had like ___all___ the sheets on your side, i just... felt something, and i knew it was just... i wasn't gonna be able to go back. i'd hoped so hard that it would go away after we fucked, and it just got worse."

daniel can see him blink hastily up into the air, still refusing to make eye contact. daniel wants to pass him a tissue, but holds back. that's probably not going to help things right now.

"and then i thought..." sungwoon sucks in a long, shaky breath. "while i was waiting for breakfast to get there. i thought that if i just kept it to myself. if i just didn't say anything. it could still turn out okay. it would go away eventually. i knew we couldn't make ___that___ work. i knew it wasn't going to happen. i couldn't make you go through that. i couldn't ask you to sacrifice the sanity and the peacefulness of a normal fucking relationship so that you could be with me. it was too dangerous. i told myself that i could deal us staying casual, and it would be okay. i didn't need anything more, it would be fine."

he reaches up and digs the palms of his hands into his eyes. "and then you fucking... you said that, and i... i never even ___dreamed,___ what if he feels the same way? that never even came into my head. the entire time i just thought, okay, maybe he has a crush, but there's no way it goes further than that, definitely not enough that i would ever need to worry, and i ___panicked.___ all i wanted was to keep you safe from having to do that, and then you were standing there telling me that you ___wanted___ it, and... all i could think about was everything i'd been telling myself, that we couldn't, that it was too dangerous, that we would be risking everything we worked so hard for, that i knew how to keep us safe if we just kept it to fucking and nothing more and that i couldn't protect us if we tried to do that. it was too much. i panicked."

he shakes his head again and drops his arms back to his sides, but keeps his eyes closed. "i wanted to scare you off. i was so scared right then, all i could think was, 'don't let him fuck up his whole life for you. don't let him put everything on the line for something as stupid as this.' so i said the meanest thing i could think of, and i didn't... i still didn't mean for it to come off that way. i never wanted you to think that i... that i was upset because of some bigoted bullshit. i just wanted you to drop it, because it was the only way i knew that i could keep you safe."

daniel can't stay quiet anymore. "then why'd you look so angry?" he says. "you were mad. you were... you couldn't look me in the eyes."

"i wasn't mad," sungwoon says. "i was scared. daniel, i was so fucking scared. i spent so much time trying to pretend that this thing wasn't happening, and then you just turn around and... i fought back against letting this thing be real to me for so long, and as soon as i accepted that it was happening, you tried to make it like... an actual thing. it was like you were reading my mind and self sabotaging at the same time. i was fucking terrified, niel. i couldn't look at you because i was scared if i saw how hurt you were then i'd give up and drop the whole act and beg you to forgive me. which is almost what happened, when minhyun started yelling at me for upsetting you."

"he ___what?___ " daniel whispers.

"he was so mad," sungwoon mumbles. "i didn't realize that he... knew. i mean. i guessed he'd figure out that we fucked, but the rest of it... i don't know. i didn't think he'd know. or that you would've told him. or whatever. the point is he went off on me, yelling about how upset you were and how i needed to fix it, and... i wasn't going to tell him what really went on. i wasn't gonna tell him that i... how i felt about you. i was still convinced we were better off like this. that's why i... when i talked to you again, i was still so insistent. i swear, i was never trying to hurt you with any of that, i was just trying to scare you off. i didn't ___want___ you to forgive me, but i also... god, i missed you so much."

daniel looks down at the floor. "you could've said that," he says. "you could have told me. we could have talked about it. i knew... i told you, i knew it wasn't safe. i didn't care."

"that's exactly my problem," sungwoon says. "that's exactly why i tried to scare you off. you don't understand, neither of us would survive the backlash if we tried to do that. and i ___panicked,___ i wasn't thinking straight, and by the time i realized how badly i'd fucked it up you were already so hurt, i thought it... it had to be better if i just apologized and we kept it the way it was. it had to hurt you less if you thought i didn't have feelings for you, too."

"it didn't," daniel says. he can't help the little bit of hurt that comes through in his voice, much as he tries to stifle it. "it felt like you just didn't care at all."

"i know that now," sungwoon mumbles. he turns his head to the side, away from daniel. "i realize now that i messed this up. again, i thought... maybe now this will go away. maybe finally things will be okay. i thought that when i fucked it up again, i thought it when i apologized for real and we went back to being friends."

they're both quiet for a few seconds. daniel says, "... and did it?"

sungwoon stares into space, eyes fixed on nothing. "no," he says. "it didn't. i tried to be friends with you and realized i didn't know how to do that without making it something more. maybe if i... if i was stronger, i could change. i could be better. i could let you go, without screwing this up so bad. but i'm not. i'm so fucking weak for you, i don't know how to be friends with you without loving you at the same time. i don't think i can ever go back to how it was before all this started. that was over a year and a half ago. i don't even remember who i was then."

daniel takes a deep breath. "okay," he says. "so why are you telling me this now? why did you kiss me?"

sungwoon finally sits up, slowly. he rubs the back of his head, his face a little pink from the alcohol and all the emotion. daniel's sure he'd see little red rings in his eyes if he got closer. "i told you," sungwoon mumbles. "i'm weak. i'm not strong enough to be the person you deserve. i just want you to... i don't know. i just want you."

daniel's heart pounds louder and louder. he wants to move closer, but he doesn't trust himself to do it without falling over. "what does that mean?" he whispers.

"it means," sungwoon says, propping himself up off his knee, hand pressed to his forehead, "that i... i'm in love with you, and i have been for probably just as long as you were, i was just too much of a coward to admit it, and then i was too much of a coward to give you what you deserve, and now i... i want to try. i want to be whatever it is that will make you happy. i want to give you everything you want and deserve and... the entire world. i want to give you everything." "can you say that in like..." daniel takes a shaky breath. "like one sentence? that i can actually understand?"

sungwoon huffs a little laugh through his nose, just a quiet, gentle noise, then straightens up fully and looks daniel in the face. "i want to be with you," he says, "even if it's dangerous. i want to try."

daniel's stomach flips at those words. he doesn't know what to say. he doesn't know how to respond, doesn't know how to agree or disagree or ask for more time. he feels like all time has stopped all together, like the entire universe has frozen on this room, on this moment, on just the two of them.

he swallows back all of the emotion threatening to gather in his throat, and slides the swivel chair across the floor, closer to sungwoon, until he's near enough that he can take his hand gently in between his own. he licks his lip, hesitating, and then says, "that was two sentences."

sungwoon laughs, high and unmistakably him, unmistakably real, unmistakably perfect. "i guess so," he says. "sorry. so... what do you think? do you wanna try?"

daniel stares down at their hands, turning sungwoon's back and forth in between his palms. "i..." he stops, tries to straighten his thoughts. "no. i don't wanna try."

sungwoon goes still and silent, then murmurs, "oh."

"i want to ___do___ it," daniel whispers. "i don't give a shit about ___trying.___ if we're gonna do it, we're gonna do it for real. like... yoda. or something. we don't get anywhere by just trying. we get there by putting in work and doing everything we possibly can to fix whatever issues pop up."

"oh," sungwoon says again. "i... are you sure? even though we're gonna have to hide it? even though we can't do anything in public, can't even do anything in the dorms half the time? even though... even though things are gonna end soon?"

"if we don't do this," daniel says, "we'll never know what it could have been. we'll spend the rest of our lives wishing."

sungwoon is quiet for a second, then lifts his hand and touches daniel's cheek so gently. "you're perfect," he murmurs. "i mean that. okay? you are. you're amazing. you see the world in this way that... makes me wanna be a better person. for you and just... in general. just because i should. i love you for it." his presses his palm fully against daniel's cheek, warm and soft and so loving. "i love you," he whispers.

daniel squeezes his other hand, lifts it to his mouth and kisses the knuckles of his fingers, one by one. "i love you, too," he whispers back, and it's like the biggest cloud of fear, and guilt, and sadness, and every other negative feeling that's accumulated in his body over the last few weeks rises at once all together on the exhale of those words.

"i'm gonna kiss you again," sungwoon says. "but this time it's gonna mean everything i've always wanted it to. so you've gotta put in everything you can, too."

"i think i can handle that," daniel murmurs, and he's barely got the sentence out of his mouth before sungwoon's leaning in the rest of the way, pressing their mouths together one more time.

it's not like any of the others. it's not lustful, it's not hesitant, it's not fearful. it's gentle, but firm, building to intense passion that would sweep daniel off his feet if he were standing. sungwoon pulls him in with the hand on his cheek, their noses butting for half a second as he adjusts his angle. the little breath of air between them as they break apart is more intimate than anything else they've ever done, and sungwoon dives back in a second later with even more passion than before.

"i love you," he whispers between kisses. daniel can't find it in him to be separated long enough to answer him, so he just pulls him back in and moans something with approximately the number of syllables required to return the sentiment.

it's... everything. it's all of daniel's dreams, every guilty thought he's had in the last few months, waiting and praying against all odds that things will come together. it's warm and soft at the same time it's burning with everything they haven't had a chance to say yet. but they will -- daniel's going to make sure he knows how much he loves the little corner quick of his smile, the way he throws himself full body into every emotion he has, the way he moans when daniel's inside him. whether it takes a day or a year or a decade, he's going to make sure he knows every little reason that daniel fell in love with him, every moment that daniel looked at him and realized this was the person he wanted to be with for the rest of his life.

but there's time for all that later. right now, all he needs is this.

* * *

it's... an adjustment. they're lucky, he supposes, that they've always been a little touchy, so no one really questions it when they suddenly get closer than ever after the world rings in the new year. he can feel minhyun watching them, and it makes him a little hot under the collar, embarrassed to know that even one person here knows exactly what they're witnessing, but not enough to take his hands off his tiny, warm, giggling... boyfriend.

just the word makes him giddy. it doesn't feel real. it feels like he's cheated the system somehow, even though sungwoon reminds him softly every time he locks the bathroom door behind them (public or one of their own) how happy he is, and how bad he wants to tear daniel's clothes off.

he feels like he's on another planet, walking on clouds, his head in some other plane of existence altogether. but every time sungwoon snuggles up against him in the van, every time he lets daniel wrap himself around him from behind and shove his hands in sungwoon's jacket pockets, every time they find a quiet, private moment to slide their lips together, he remembers suddenly that this is real.

they have one day booked just for cleaning out the dorm -- not permanently, just the basic cleaning they've been neglecting, like wiping down the counters in the bathroom and scrubbing the toilet and getting rid of the dust and the unending bags of things they've collected from god knows where and that they just can't afford to bring with them when they leave. daniel finds an entire stack of copies of some magazine he featured for, stashed under his bed where he can't even remember putting them. sungwoon stops by to see how the progress is going and snags one on his way out.

"i'll keep this under my pillow," he murmurs, pressing a kiss to daniel's lips before he leaves. "i'll try not to get it too messy."

"hyung," daniel whines. "that's gross. or you could just call me instead."

"i like this plan better," sungwoon says, grinning. "you’ll get more flustered this way."

daniel huffs, but he doesn't argue when sungwoon leaves, even though he desperately just wants to wrap an arm around his middle and tug him down to the floor next to him. he wouldn't be any help -- if anything, he'd probably just be a distraction, trying to steal things he decides he likes and being a general nuisance every time daniel has to get up and find another trash bag or resort a pile that apparently doesn't all belong to whoever he thought it does. it doesn't mean he doesn't stupidly, desperately miss him, though.

seongwu reappears not long after sungwoon leaves, uncharacteristically quiet. daniel puts it down to the mood among them -- not quite melancholy, just... uncertain. they've made so many promises already to stay in touch, to meet up, to make sure they don't let this time, this group, this family, all go to waste, but there’s always uncertainty.

"was sungwoon hyung in here?" seongwu asks, dropping into the swivel chair.

"um," daniel says, awkwardly. "yeah? why?"

seongwu shakes his head. "just wondering. minhyun was looking for him."

daniel glances at the door, still open just a crack, and reaches out with his foot to push it the rest of the way shut. "minhyun hyung was?" he says, trying to keep his voice clear and even -- and fails miserably, of course.

seongwu huffs. "yes, minhyun. problem? am i not allowed to hang out with him?"

"i didn't say that," daniel says. he looks up, and seongwu is frowning heavily. "just... you said something was going on there, and then you never filled me in on the rest."

seongwu looks away quickly, crossing his arms over his chest. "i... yeah," he says, tension dropping from his voice. "there wasn't anything to tell."

daniel's heart pangs for him, but he wishes he was more surprised. "i'm sorry, hyung," he says. "i didn't... i mean, it's good you tried, at least."

"i don't mean it like that," seongwu says. he leans back in the chair a little, bobbing a couple times in the air. "i mean there... literally wasn't anything to tell. he said he needed to think."

oh. "oh," daniel says, perking up a little. "well, i mean... that's a good sign, right? that's not a no."

"no, it isn't," seongwu says. he pauses, thinks to himself for a second, and then says, "and he didn't say no, either."

daniel blinks, once, twice. "you mean...?"

seongwu combs his fingers roughly through his hair, even though it just falls back in his face a moment later. "i guess? i don't know. one step at a time. he's nervous, i think. i mean... obviously. it'd be weirder if he wasn't. i just mean he... he's not ready to completely commit to something. i don't think he ever... honestly felt like that about me. or if he did, he just didn't realize it, or it was so minor he just pushed it aside. i don't know. we're trying. i guess."

"that's all you can do," daniel murmurs. "i'm happy for you, hyung. really. you deserve this."

seongwu sighs, heavy. "i wouldn't say that," he says. "but... thanks. i'm gonna... i just want to show him that he doesn't need to be nervous about me. he doesn't need to be afraid. i..." he shakes his head, blows air heavy between his lips. "you don't wanna hear all the sappy stuff. i just wanna make him happy."

that one sentence echoes sungwoon's words so closely it almost makes daniel blush, but he pushes it down hard and gives seongwu the biggest smile he can muster. "you'll make it work, hyung," he says. "i know you will. if anyone can, it's you."

god, he hopes that's not a curse on himself.

seongwu snorts. "yeah, we'll see. all depends on where life takes us, and... how hard we can hold on." he sighs, then turns his eyes on daniel. "and what about you?"

daniel freezes, tries not to make it too obvious. "hm?" he says, gentle, testing the waters. "what about me?"

"you were in such a weird mood for like... weeks," seongwu says. "happy then sad then happy then really sad, then happy again, now you're like... weirdly normal, when everyone else is being... just weird. something happen?"

daniel tries not to splutter, tries to keep his voice as level as possible. it doesn’t really feel right not to share his own romance with seongwu, but he doesn’t think he’s quite ready to let anyone else in yet. he needs a little more time for that. "no?" he says. "i think, just... i mean. we've all been talking about the future a lot lately. i don't know. i don't really feel like... like everything's ending, anymore. i guess, just... we're all gonna stay friends in the end. no matter what happens. i think we're more committed to that than ever. i'm not really scared of the end anymore."

seongwu hums quietly. "it's still the end, though," he says. "i mean... it'll never be the same, really. you're not worried about that?"

"of course i am," daniel says. "i mean... of course things are gonna change. but if you care about someone, you're going to hold onto them no matter what, no matter how much effort it takes or how long you're apart. i mean... if you ___really___ care about them. and i don't think that's something any of us needs to worry about."

nothing he's saying is a lie -- he's just leaving out the part where this applies to his relationship with sungwoon as much as it applies to his friendships with every other member of his group. they're not going to just disappear into the void. their numbers aren't going to be erased from his phone. subways and buses and cars aren't going to stop being a thing. they're going to see each other again, it's just a matter of how much effort they put in.

and if he can put in that much effort for sungwoon, he can put in that much effort for the rest of them, too. he has no plans of losing any of them. they keep saying ___forever___ for a reason.

seongwu smiles, gentle. "you've got a really good way of looking at the world, niel," he says. "have i ever told you that?"

daniel shrugs. "i'm not special," he mumbles, a little embarrassed. "i just... try to see the good things, so i can pass them on to people who don't."

"i think that's pretty damn special," seongwu says. "don't put yourself down. you've helped a lot of people, without even realizing it, probably." he pauses, and then says, softly, "i'm gonna miss you. you know that? you're my best friend."

daniel looks up. the look on seongwu's face is so fond, so gentle, it leaves him flustered and blushing a little. "i'll miss you too, hyung," he says, looking back down quickly. "but maybe save the 'looking at fans' expressions for minhyun hyung?"

"looking at..." seongwu splutters. "i don't do that!"

"you do, hyung," daniel says, unable to hold back a little quiet laugh. "they love it. you look at them like they're your whole world."

"i'm just trying to be nice..." seongwu grumbles. "i'm doing my ___job.___ don't be sappy. this group is my whole world, you just happen to be a part of it."

“that’s cute, hyung,” daniel giggles. “try that line on him, i wanna know how it works.”

seongwu throws a pad of paper at him, which daniel narrowly manages to duck in time to avoid. he has a pair of socks that he’s pretty sure are actually guanlin’s right next to his hand, so he throws that back in retaliation. seongwu takes it directly to the face, reflexes not quite as honed as daniel’s, and he splutters and throws it back with more force than necessary.

“don’t ___test___ me, kang daniel,” he says, pointing an accusatory finger. “i will fight you.”

“and you’ll lose, hyung,” daniel points out, juggling the balled up socks back and forth between his hands. “but go ahead and try.”

seongwu narrows his eyes, then bends down and snatches a shirt off the floor and throws it. he misses completely, but daniel already has the socks in his hands, ready to retaliate.

in the end, all his neat piles return to their scattered state across the floor, undoing hours of hard work finding and sorting each item by who owns it, but daniel supposes that’s okay. he likes it better that way, anyway.

* * *

a week before final concerts, seongwu asks if daniel minds sharing their room with sungwoon for a night. daniel hates to admit how quickly he jumps at the opportunity, but it’s not his ___fault.___ since they got together, they’ve had no time to do anything, apart from some quick, uncomfortable fumbling in a bathroom. daniel’s subconscious taunts him with his fantasies from the shower, sungwoon’s fingers in his mouth or his cock down his throat -- though he thinks he’ll hold off voicing any of those thoughts until everyone is resettled outside the dorms and he doesn’t have an alarming number of young men who at any moment could overhear something they don’t want to.

seongwu heads upstairs early in the day, probably their last full day off until... everything's done. it's weird to think about it like that. it makes him uneasy. they've started shipping things off to new company dorms, or back home, in daniel's case. he's got so much he doesn't know what to do with, but he's sure his mom will find some use for it, so he trusts her to take care of it.

but it's left the dorms feeling uncomfortably empty. most of their clothes are packed and the closets are empty, the bathrooms are clean, the living areas are free of game systems and workout equipment and piles of dirty clothes people were too lazy to actually put through the wash. daniel feels uncomfortable when he walks through the halls. it makes him uneasy, to think that a place can so quickly go from being home, to missing every trace of evidence and life that made it that way.

it's lonely, actually. it makes him feel like everything's ended already, even though he can still hear jinyoung and daehwi bickering down the hall, even though he can hear woojin shriek every time he loses a game. nothing has really changed yet, except that things have disappeared, and he knows that doesn't have any bearing on real life, but it's still hard to accept. it's hard to process.

it feels a little less weird when he wakes up from a nap to sungwoon climbing under the blankets, curling up against his front. daniel comfortably slings an arm around his waist, pulling him closer and pressing his nose against the back of his neck. he smells nice, like he's just showered.

"door's locked," sungwoon murmurs. "go back to sleep."

"don't wanna sleep while you're here," daniel mumbles. "i wanna spend time with you."

"we've got all night, niel," sungwoon says. he twists onto his back a little, craning his neck so he can kiss him. "don't worry. you're tired, you should sleep. i'll be here."

it's hard to resist that, so daniel lets himself fall back into his doze. he doesn't think sungwoon sleeps at all during that time, but he lets daniel pull him around and roll nearly on top of him and grind his teeth without a single complaint, so that's a big plus.

when he finally decides he's done, he opens his eyes and purposely snuggles in closer, nuzzling against the back of sungwoon's neck. sungwoon doesn't seem to realize he's awake, because he doesn't say anything, so daniel just basks in the moment for a little, letting the warmth and the peace of the moment settle deep in his bones. it's... perfect. it's everything he wants, just peace and quiet and trust between the two of them.

well. maybe not everything. it's hard to press his body up against sungwoon's in such a tight space for so long and not feel anything. he fits so perfectly against daniel's front, his torso just the right length so that daniel's hips press into his ass when they lie like this. it's so easy to slide his knee between sungwoon's legs (he flashes back to a backstage music show couch, a quick nap after rehearsal), so easy to nuzzle up against him again, breathing in deep. sungwoon doesn't say a word, assuming daniel's still asleep. in fact, it's not until daniel starts kissing up the column of his neck that he says, softly, "oh. you're awake."

"mmhm," daniel hums. "i have been. door's locked, you said?"

"yeah," sungwoon whispers. daniel kisses just below the collar of his shirt, tugged down out of the way so he can reach, and sungwoon hums quietly. "that feels nice."

"you like that i'm bigger than you," daniel teases him. "you like being small and letting me spoon you and push you around."

sungwoon snorts. "only because it makes it that much better when you're underneath me doing whatever i tell you and moaning hyung, hyung, sungwoonie hyung..."

daniel's face flushes, grateful that sungwoon can't see him like this. "okay, okay," he huffs. "anyway. back to me, making fun of you..."

"i like it better when i get to tease you, instead," sungwoon says. "you get so tongue tied when you're flustered, it's cute. makes me wanna keep it going until you forget the entire language. 'cept 'hyung.' you have to remember that one."

daniel huffs indignantly and snuggles in tighter against sungwoon's back, sliding an arm underneath him to lock his grip around his waist. "what if that's the only one i can't remember?"

"that's okay," sungwoon mumbles, as daniel starts kissing his neck again. "you'll be so preoccupied with what i'm doing, i won't give you a chance to forget. you won't be able to stop saying it long enough to forget."

daniel's face gets even hotter, but he doesn't bother responding to that, just focuses on pressing long, even kisses to sungwoon's neck. he wants so badly to suck at the skin there, to prop himself up just enough that he can lean over and put his mouth on the thinner skin over his pulse and leave a mark there, instead, but he holds himself back.

they lie like that for a while, quiet and intimate and calm, just daniel kissing his skin over and over, leaving little wet spots where he tastes just for a second. sungwoon parts his legs to let daniel's knee in just a little more, resting his hand over daniel's where he's holding him. he's quiet, breathing so soft and gentle, barely a hitch in his breath when daniel pulls his knee up just a little more. he can feel sungwoon's slowly -- so slowly -- growing erection through the thin, flowy fabric of his lounge pants. sungwoon shifts his hips, just a tiny little motion against daniel's thigh, and breathes a quiet sigh at the feeling.

and then they lie like that, instead, sungwoon grinding slow and gentle against daniel's thigh, angling his hips carefully so he can get the friction in just the right place. daniel feels the muscles of his neck move when he opens his mouth just a bit to pant softly between his lips.

"don't go too far, hyung," daniel murmurs against his neck. "i'm trying to enjoy this."

"i told you," sungwoon mumbles. "we've got all night."

"mmm," daniel hums. "but i never got to suck you off, that time. i wanna make up for that now."

sungwoon huffs, a little tinge of embarrassment to the noise. "really? you let yourself think about that? i'd think you would avoid thinking about any of that."

"it was good until you were mean to me," daniel teases him. "i really did wanna suck you off. i probably would've done that afterwards if you had just been nice enough to accept me, back then."

"are you guilting me into letting you suck my dick?" sungwoon asks, body shaking with quiet laughter between daniel's arms. "you don't need to do that."

"then stop pretending you don't want it," daniel says, "and let me do it."

"fine," sungwoon says. "let go of me so we can do this properly."

so daniel does, and sungwoon flops onto his back, pushing the blankets down and out of the way so he can kick his feet on top of them and spread them wide enough for daniel to fit between. "c'mon," he says. "you're the impatient one, let's get to it."

daniel rolls his eyes, but he wiggles out from under the blankets as well and awkwardly shifts around in the cramped area of his bed until he's crouched in between sungwoon's legs. it's not a great fit -- sungwoon ends up having to sit up a little more than daniel would like, and he has to kind of awkwardly lean one leg off the side of the bed, curled up more with his weight on his hip than on his front.

in his head, this went very differently, sungwoon spread out on his back and daniel on his stomach, nose pressed in between sungwoon's legs, but of course reality can't quite work out like that. when sungwoon pushes his pants down, though, and his cock slides free, already pink and most of the way to full, daniel forgets about the rest of that.

he stares at it for a little while, and sungwoon cocks an eyebrow at him. "you got a problem?" he asks. "nothing you haven't seen before. nothing you haven't touched before."

daniel takes a deep breath, trying to decide how much to reveal, then lets it out slow and says, "i... i've been thinking about this for a while. not just... i mean you, but like... in general."

"what, sucking dick?" sungwoon asks.

daniel nods, eyes fixed on sungwoon's cock -- it's ugly, because it's a dick, and dicks are generally just not nice to look at, but it's also attached to sungwoon, and daniel has an unfortunate fondness both for sungwoon and for dick in general. "i just..." he hesitates again, knowing that what he's about to say is going to be embarrassing as all hell. "i've just always really wanted to taste it."

surprisingly, sungwoon doesn't laugh. he reaches down and brushes his fingers along daniel's cheek, so soft, just the kindest little caress. daniel sighs, content, and leans into the touch.

"you're so... surprisingly innocent, sometimes," sungwoon says. "you're so cute. why are you so cute?"

"i can be not cute," daniel offers. "i can suck you off, and you can tell me if i still look cute with your dick in my mouth."

"you probably will," sungwoon warns him. "but i'll probably be too distracted to care."

daniel kisses sungwoon's calf, quick and careful. "it probably says something about you that you think anyone can look cute with a dick in their mouth."

"i think you'll look adorably ruined for me," sungwoon says. he gives daniel's cheek a light pat, tugging his face back to center so they can meet each other's gaze around sungwoon's dick. "but we're never gonna find out if you keep talking."

daniel rolls his eyes, then leans in before he can lose his nerve and places a kiss to the side of sungwoon's cock. it's firm, warm, but he doesn't quite expect the way it feels against his lips. sungwoon sucks in a sharp, quick breath, less from the sensation and more from the surprise, daniel thinks.

"relax, hyung," he says. his face is less than an inch from sungwoon's cock. "i've got you."

sungwoon snorts. "that's rich coming from you, baby. how about this: we've got each other."

daniel's stomach flips unexpectedly at those words, but he pushes it aside for later analysis. "okay, hyung," he says. "let me get your dick instead."

"i can't stand you," sungwoon deadpans. "hurry up or stop teasing."

so daniel does as he's told and carefully parts his lips, and then slowly drags his tongue up the underside of sungwoon's cock. it seems sungwoon is still slightly unprepared for it, because his dick twitches hard in the air, and sungwoon holds his breath.

he tastes like... nothing, really. salt from the light sweat of grinding against daniel's leg, the faint, lingering hint of soap from his shower, and something musky and probably uncomfortable if daniel thinks about it for too long. he's not sure what he was hoping for.

but he doesn't let it distract him for long, letting his tongue hang out a little further so he can drag it fully up sungwoon's length, broad and flat against him. sungwoon lets his head hang back against the wall and lets out a loud sigh, content as he allows his legs to fall open a little more.

daniel does it again, just to get a little more sense for sungwoon's size and girth, and then takes him in hand and lets his lips slide around the head when he reaches the top this time. sungwoon groans quietly as daniel takes him in, swirling his tongue easily around the tip.

"that's good, niel," sungwoon breathes. he reaches down, fingers gentle on daniel's hair, though daniel thinks he'd be okay with it if sungwoon was a little rougher. he keeps that to himself, though -- they have all kinds of time for that.

he doesn't really know what he's doing. this isn't as simple as handjobs -- it's not that hard to figure out that you just do what feels good when you do it to yourself. but this isn't anything you do to yourself, nor does he even really know what it is that other people are doing to him when it feels nice. licking and sucking seem pretty straightforward, but he's kind of lost beyond that, and everything seems a lot bigger when you go to put it in your mouth and realize that your lips don't stretch as much as you thought they did. daniel's starting to wonder if he's really cut out for this.

but also... he must be doing something right, because sungwoon quietly moans every now and then, low and soft and airy. it's a nice little confidence boost, because daniel ___really___ doesn't know what he's doing, but at least this way he knows whatever he is doing is working.

he gets a little ambitious, tilting his head for a different angle and sliding his mouth down further. he presses his tongue broad and flat and strong against the underside of sungwoon's dick, and he groans a little louder, head tilting to the side and his nails scraping against daniel's scalp a little. ___that___ feels nice, the gentle scratch against the back of his head, so when he pulls back up he gives him the same treatment with his tongue, and sungwoon does it again, grabbing hold a little of his hair.

daniel continues the long, even swipes of his tongue, each time challenging himself to take a little more, a little deeper as he sinks down. it's slow, he's aware, but the first time he chokes, he's glad. sungwoon groans when it happens, at the same time that he tugs daniel's hair and mumbles, "niel, oh my god, don't force yourself. slow down."

daniel pulls off all the way, coughing a little and licking his lips. sungwoon's dick is shiny in his hand now, glistening with daniel's saliva and the little beads of precome at the tip. daniel leans in to taste, just the tip of his tongue against the hole. it's salty, sticky, an uncomfortable texture on his tongue, but he also can't bring himself to say he dislikes it. he swipes his tongue back over the head in search of anything he might have missed, and sungwoon pants, twisting his fingers tighter in daniel's hair.

so daniel lies there for a little, licking the head of sungwoon's dick like a excitable dog, and when he thinks sungwoon's at his least prepared, he swallows him back down with his tongue pressed tight up against him again.

he only chokes a little this time, and his lips are just barely touching the circle of his fingers, so he takes that as a win. sungwoon's knees close around him a little, his calves just below daniel's shoulders, pressed right up against him. he whines softly when daniel makes no sign of moving just yet, letting himself adjust to the pressure and the sensation of having his mouth so full.

"fuck, niel," sungwoon whispers. "c'mon." he tugs so lightly at daniel's hair, trying to get him to move, but daniel just hums around him, and sungwoon whines again and lets his head fall to the side. daniel vacuums his mouth, sucking lightly, and sungwoon's hips kick a little, another tiny noise falling from his mouth.

it's... disorienting, honestly, having thought about this for so long and now having to compare the fantasy to reality. daniel doesn't think he's as good at it as he was in his imagination, and it's hard to tell how much he's enjoying it, because he's so focused on making sungwoon feel good. it's a little overwhelming to have his mouth so full, but he finds himself strangely reluctant to pull off. there's something grounding about knowing that tiny little movements of muscles in his face have such an immediate, concrete effect on sungwoon, making him whine or twitch or pant or pull daniel's hair.

there's also... this is embarrassing, but he likes the feel of sungwoon's dick against his tongue, the stretch of his lips, the way this gets easier the longer he does it. he's got no rhythm going whatsoever, just following whatever whim catches him at the moment, but it seems to be working -- sungwoon's fully hard in his mouth now, firm and warm and impressive. when he presses his tongue against the vein along the underside of his dick, he can feel his heartbeat, ever so faintly.

it's hard to focus on any real sort of rhythm when all the little things he's doing are drawing such nice noises from sungwoon's mouth, little moans on nearly every breath, but he does eventually try -- and that's when it kind of clicks for him. the slide of the head of sungwoon's cock against his tongue every time he pulls back or presses down is... something else. something he can't really describe. the feeling of sungwoon hitting the back of his mouth, the knowledge that he ___could___ press just a little further, take him just a little deeper, challenge his gag reflex and his ability to not choke, is something a little more. his movements are slow, trying to combine the movement with swipes of his tongue and some light suction, but it gets easier every time.

he builds speed slowly, but even when he reaches the fastest he's comfortable with, he finds himself disappointed. as overwhelming as it could be if he allowed himself to think about it for too long, it's hard to feel like this is fast ___enough.___ when he does push himself a little further, he chokes, or sungwoon hits his throat and he gags, and as disconcertingly interesting as that is, he's not really up to be playing around with it right now.

but sungwoon's hand is in his hair, so gentle, and he murmurs, soft, "don't push yourself. take your time. got all night. don't even need to get off like this."

which is nice of him, but daniel's spent far too much time staring at other people's come to just ___not___ taste sungwoon's, so that's not happening. the reassurance that he doesn't have to rush is welcome, though. he slows down a little, refocuses on his tongue and the suction, and sungwoon's quiet, moaning breaths get a little more frequent.

"that's good, niel," he mumbles again. "just... just like that. god, your tongue's good. where'd you learn that?"

"making out," daniel murmurs, pulling off so he can answer. he still has his lips against the head of sungwoon's dick, pressing a gentle kiss to it after he speaks.

sungwoon snorts. "of course," he says. "you don't even... don't even need to put me in your mouth, just feels good when you lick it."

so daniel does just that, going back to the long sweeps of his tongue, the smaller licks to the head of his dick, and matches it with movements of his hand now, using the uncomfortably wet layer of his saliva to smooth things along. sungwoon's legs close tighter around him every time he gives him a firm enough taste.

his shoulders are starting to hurt, so he lets himself drop a little more firmly onto the bed, trailing his tongue a little lower, over the base of his dick, his balls. the feeling of pubic hair against his tongue is ___horribly___ uncomfortable, but sungwoon moans, so he does it again just to hear that noise one more time.

and then... he's already gotten that far, he might as well just keep going. he places an open mouthed kiss against the side of sungwoon's dick, then trails his tongue down the center (sungwoon whining in the background) until he feels puckered, rougher skin against his tongue.

a quick taste has sungwoon breathing, "f-fuck." a gentle swipe over his hole has him slumping lower, cramming further into daniel's space. it means that his balls are right up in daniel's face now, but honestly... it could be worse. it could be so much worse.

this part wasn't planned, but he finds that he likes it much more than he would have expected. he tries not to forget about the motion of his hand, long tip to base strokes to match the swipes of his tongue against sungwoon's hole. he's so ___responsive___ like this, his legs falling open further now rather than closing around him, spreading himself out more and more for daniel, falling apart just a little bit.

daniel... loves it, to be honest. it's not how he pictured this going, but sungwoon's reactions are so priceless, so perfect. it's like every little touch from down here has him losing his mind, twitching and kicking his hips, his dick kicking in daniel's hand. daniel has to shift his own hips, his own pants suddenly a little too confining, and the pressure of his awkward sprawl bordering a little too close on painful. every noise out of sungwoon's mouth is beautiful, every sigh, moan, pant, and whine. daniel never wants this to end.

he presses the tip of his tongue a little firmer to sungwoon's hole, a little surprised when it gives and he slips inside just that tiny bit. sungwoon whines louder than before, tugging on his hair, but daniel pulls back before it can go any further. sungwoon pulls his hair hard when he does it again, and daniel can feel his dick twitch hard in his hand when he moans.

"fuck, niel," he pants. "you said you wanted to suck me off, not..."

"this is better," daniel mumbles. he sits up a little more so he can kiss sungwoon's dick again. "you get so much louder."

sungwoon whines, face flushing. "shut up," he grumbles. "we'll see how you do when i finally get around to riding you. stop licking my asshole and sit up, i wanna touch you." daniel frowns. "but you're not done."

"i know," sungwoon says, ruffling daniel's hair a little with the hand he's still got there. "don't worry. just come here. i wanna do this together."

daniel's not sure what that means, but he reluctantly sits up and kneels, hunched over, in between sungwoon's legs. sungwoon grabs hold of his shirt and tugs him close enough that he can kiss him -- everywhere but the mouth. he drops little kisses across daniel's cheeks, his nose, his forehead, but deliberately avoids daniel's mouth, leaving him pouting.

"don't tease," he grumbles.

"not teasing, baby," sungwoon says. "you voluntarily decided to start licking my asshole, so you gave up all kissing privileges until you brush your teeth. now, you've got lube?"

daniel pouts harder, but sungwoon's face doesn't change, just the tiniest smirk around his lips. daniel heaves a sigh and grumbles, "yeah," turning away and climbing off the bed to go dig through one of the few drawers they've yet to clean out.

except the lube isn't there. he tries another drawer, checks under the desk and the bed to see if it could have been dropped -- except he doesn't know when either of them would have had time, both of them far too busy with schedules and cleaning to have bothered.

"um," he says.

sungwoon huffs. "seongwu probably brought it with him," he says. "whatever. probably a good thing. i stole minhyun's just in case. it's in that pile of clothes on the desk."

daniel does some digging and surfaces with a nearly empty bottle of lube, frowning. "that's not gonna get us far."

"doesn't have to," sungwoon says. "c'mere. honestly, i was hoping to get back at them for kicking me out of my bed for a night, but minhyun probably told him to bring some anyway. stupid pillow princess. i just hope seongwu knows what he's in for."

daniel settles back on the bed and twists off the cab to the lube -- no point in trying to squeeze it out when it's that low. "can we stop talking about our best friends now?" he asks. "i don't really wanna think about it."

sungwoon chuckles quietly and sits up to kiss daniel's nose again, pulling the bottle from his hands as he does so. "okay, cutie," he murmurs. "now take your pants off."

daniel does as he's told, dropping his pants and underwear to the floor before slipping back between sungwoon's legs. he's not sure what exactly sungwoon's got in mind until he wraps a hand very carefully around them both and upends the lube over their dicks. daniel hisses when it hits him.

"don't be a baby," sungwoon says, giving them a slow tug. it's still cold, but at least he's slightly distracted by the long motion of sungwoon's hand against him, the press of sungwoon's shorter, rounder dick against his. sungwoon keeps tugging as he dribbles more lube over them, until they're slippery and sliding easily in his hand.

it's not a great setup, sungwoon's hand a little too small to properly get them both, but when daniel tentatively fucks into the little circle, sungwoon sighs contentedly and grabs daniel by his shirt with his other hand, pulling him in closer. so daniel repeats the motion, sliding them together easy and smooth. the friction is light, but he can feel every kick and pulse of sungwoon's cock right against his own, and sungwoon is squeezing them tight enough to make up for the rest.

"there you go," sungwoon murmurs. he pulls daniel's forehead to his, their faces so close -- it's so hard not to turn his head and kiss him the next time he pushes himself into sungwoon's hand.

"that's it," sungwoon breathes. "c'mon, baby. fuck it like it's my hole. lemme feel how you'd give it to me."

daniel's face heats quickly. "hyung," he mumbles. "that's--"

"embarrassing?" sungwoon guesses. he shifts his face up and kisses daniel's cheek softly. "what's embarrassing? you've done it before, baby. i know what it should feel like. come on, fuck my hand. i want you to come all over my dick."

the worst part is that daniel can't even hide the way his own dick twitches in response, whining quietly when sungwoon laughs and hiding his face against sungwoon's neck.

"don't be shy," sungwoon says. "come on. i know you can do it. let me feel you."

daniel gives a another tentative thrust, but it's obviously not enough for sungwoon, because he just squeezes them tighter and says, "harder, baby."

so daniel pushes harder, driving himself into sungwoon's hand and against his dick, and this time sungwoon groans a little, letting his head fall back. it's the perfect opportunity for daniel to press his mouth to his throat, sucking hard enough to make sungwoon moan, but carefully light enough not to leave any marks.

he picks up speed with time, getting less self conscious about the shameless rutting against sungwoon when it becomes clear that this is getting them both off. sungwoon's free hand comes up to tangle in daniel's hair again while daniel kisses his throat and fucks his hand, until the rhythm is forceful and fast enough to leave them both panting.

"that's it," sungwoon breathes. "fuck, niel, keep going. come on, baby, you first, let me see you come."

"hyung," daniel moans against his neck, and he feels sungwoon's dick pulse against his.

"yeah," sungwoon whispers. "hyung's got you. come on, you're almost there, aren't you?"

he is. he doesn't know how sungwoon's holding out except that maybe he doesn't have the same friction against his own hand, because daniel can feel himself nearly there -- embarrassing given that he's barely been touched, and sungwoon's been sucked off and eaten out in the time that daniel was still fully clothed. he supposes he can excuse it as inexperience, but... still.

sungwoon scrapes his nails down daniel's scalp to the nape of his neck, so gentle but so forceful. "come on," he breathes. "show hyung how pretty you come. almost there, baby, come on--"

he doesn't even have time to finish, another solid squeeze enough to pull daniel over the edge. he whines against sungwoon's neck as he comes, spilling over sungwoon's hand and dick and stomach, twitching with oversensitivity when sungwoon finally stops. he doesn't give himself time to recover, only sniffs quickly, sitting up and wiping his mouth, and then quickly shifting back to his original position hunched between sungwoon's knees and swallowing him down before sungwoon can even make a noise of surprise.

" _ _ _fuck,___ niel," sungwoon moans as daniel takes him deep, chokes a little. "oh my god, baby, don't push yourself. oh my god." his dick is twitching against daniel's tongue -- he's close.

daniel knows this is stupid, that he's probably in for an unfortunate surprise when this happens, but he doesn't care. he swallows around sungwoon's dick, hums against him, squeezes with his hand, sucks as hard as he can -- anything he can think of to tip him over just that little bit faster.

sungwoon's hips are kicking under him, whining softly on end, no break in his tiny cries. "daniel," he pants. "oh my god, niel, baby, pull off, oh my ___god--___ "

daniel would shake his head if he could, but he settles for sucking hard again, and sungwoon slaps his hands over his mouth, moaning loud but muted behind them and twitching hard once more in daniel's mouth before salty sticky weird hits daniel's tongue and he throws his head back against the wall.

afterwards he lies there, panting, a tiny moan in every breath, until daniel pulls off and carefully climbs off the bed to lean over to the trash can and spit heavy into it. behind him, sungwoon laughs, breathy, and says, "niel, come here."

daniel comes to him slowly, sitting on the edge of the bed and awkwardly wiping his mouth. "hyung?" he murmurs.

sungwoon looks so relaxed and content, legs sliding down the bed and slumping until he can put his head back on the pillows bunched against the headboard. "not a fan of that?" he asks, reaching for daniel's hand and sliding their fingers together.

daniel shrugs. "it's not... bad. i thought it'd be... different, i guess."

"mm," sungwoon hums, then drops his voice quiet and low. "hey. look. you know you don't need to prove anything to me? you don't need to swallow or let me come in your mouth or... i don't know. i don't care if you come first. this stuff is still new to you, and honestly? none of that shit matters. we're making each other feel good. you know that, right?"

daniel feels his face flush, and he looks down quickly at their intertwined fingers. was he really that obvious? "i, um," he mumbles. "yeah. i know that."

"okay," sungwoon says. "i mean, i'll probably tell you again, but it's true. you don't need to impress me in bed. you're impressive enough in literally every other way already."

daniel sticks his tongue out of the corner of his mouth. "that's cheesy," he says.

"yeah, well, your boyfriend's got a secret cheesy side," sungwoon says, his voice so quiet even daniel can barely hear him. "now come here and kiss me."

"huh?" daniel glances back up, surprised. "thought you said nothing till i brush my teeth."

sungwoon shrugs. "yeah, well... i decided fuck that, i'm in love. and you're perfect whether you taste like ass or come or lube or whatever, so... come here."

well, he doesn't have to ask twice. daniel leans in quick and kisses him deep and long and loving and tries to infuse every emotion, every tiny scrap of love he feels in all the furthest reaches of his body, directly into the kiss.

"i love you," sungwoon breathes against his lips when they part. "so much, niel. god, i love you so much."

"i know," daniel whispers -- and he does. finally, for real, he does. "i love you, too."

and maybe that's all they need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/kdbf31), [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/kdbf31)


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